LifeatGreenGables

The War Goes On

2011-09-15T12:47:00.000-04:00

The War Goes On

The lies, the hurt, the pain, the war
Yet all is peaceful.
Where is the way, where is the light, why so dark
And yet so bright.
The war goes on, the bullets fly, some kill
And some die.

My God, my Lord, my Life, my Light.
Where are you, in this my fight?
The wounds are raw, the bullets deep, the ache is strong;
Why do you bleed?

The war goes on, the bombs are blasting, people crying,
Darkness never ending.

In this confusion - where is the peace?
In this pain - where is the healing?
In this darkness - where is the light?
In this war - who will fight?

The war goes on, the troops keep marching.
The enemy keeps trying to shoot me down.
Yet you, oh Lord, are right beside me.

In this, my confusion, you bring me peace;
In this, my pain, you bring me healing;
In this, my darkness, you shed your light;
In this, my war, you fight my fight.

The war goes on, but I'm victorious.
Your love, the shield I wear.
The war goes on, but still I march
For I know that you are there.
The war goes on, but the wounds can't control me
For you bore them long ago.
The war goes on, but it's been decided
I see peace, and joy, and love.
The war will end, and you will win
For you brought the light, and the fought the fight
So that I would live.

Christine Byrne

October 2010

2010-10-21T17:46:00.000-04:00

October floods in once again, arriving in the splendor and majesty of color. The cooler days and nights after a warm summer is welcome, the sun shinning through the many colors of the trees is intoxicating, but still the true beauty of October is hidden from these eyes. How I long to find that key, that one thing that will bring October back to me, to a time of joy and laughter. Every October I feel the pangs and the regrets, and the pain and every October I mourn the loss of my favorite month.

This year was the first year that it started out okay, with the wonderful birthday celebration Gil threw for me. Dianna and her two children traveled all the way from Quebec, Cordy was there with a friend, family, old high school friends(well not old, just friends from long ago), and the bliss that followed from that day has been traveling with me and uplifting me despite the scene unfolding in my mind. Yet as today approached my heart began to ache again as I am reminded again of the day that October got stolen from me, and everything I was disappeared.

I have been learning lately that not everything disappeared it just felt like that, I had to make choices that were not easy and no person should have to make. I chose life, I chose to face many Octobers in the future and sometimes I regret that choice because I think the other would be easier but at the same time when I look at my family I am glad for the choice I made. I thought I lost my faith and I now I know that you can't lose that even when you try to because Jesus doesn't let go of you, He hangs on to us despite everything.

Today it wasn't sunny like it was twenty-two years ago, and I didn't end the night in tears and despair. It was just a day and it has been okay. I got to go out with a friend and have a nice evening, I didn't hide away, and I no longer regret my choice.

A quote reminded me today of something important, a quote from Buffy. "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live." I always thought that in choosing life that day I was weak. Now I think I was wrong, it was the brave choice, the hard choice. How hard it was comes flooding back in every October that comes my way, and I will keep making that hard choice in all the Octobers I have left. I will keep being brave, I will keep living, and this day is now the day that I became strong, not a day that made me weak.

Happy Birthday Giles. . .

2010-10-20T19:44:00.003-04:00

If we look at things outside of time as God does, then the day before my horrible day, He had already provided for me, before I even stepped in that house, He had provided for me the way back out. As I thought about that last night I found myself praising Him who cares so much.

I am often grateful to Steve for leading me to you, allowing me the chance to know you and be blessed by you and your life. You have already taught me so much and although I know I'm not out of that house yet, and I don't know how long that journey will be I am glad that I am no longer alone in it; that I have you walking with me, struggling with me, and at times crying with me.

You are such a blessing to me, such an encouragement, such a good friend. Your family has also blessed and continues to bless me and I am often encouraged in my own role as a parent by how I see you parent. I am blessed to have a friend in your beautiful wife and the blessings just continue to come as I get to know the wee ones.

I do not know if you can know completely the impact your life is having on others but you definitely are having an impact by the few around me that I do see. You are kind and gracious, patient and loving, and so many times you have demonstrated Jesus to me in your humility and your grace. Thank-you for being a Jesus with skin on for me when I desperately needed that.

My prayer for you this day is that you will glimpse not only today but in the year ahead a portion of what you have done for others that it will encourage you in what God can yet do through you. I pray that your blessings will abound until they are almost too much, in every area of your life, your family, your work, your ministry, your friends, your walk with God. I pray that God will draw so close to you and minister to you in such an amazing way it would eclipse any other experience and you will once more be in awe of Him. May He rain down His blessings upon you, lighting up your days in color like the leaves outside. May He fill your days with more joy and love and passion than even you can imagine or dream about, and may He meet you daily in your dreams, that you might catch those glimpses of Him all around you and with you, and may you have that peace that that surpasses all understanding.

Lyrics for my guys. . .

2010-08-21T07:02:00.002-04:00

To Giles and Wes and Gil, don't leave me behind I'll be as brave I can.

"Whisper" by Evanescence

Catch me as I fall
Say you're here and it's all over now
Speaking to the atmosphere
No one's here and I fall into myself
This truth drives me
Into madness
I know I can stop the pain
If I will it all away

Don't turn away
Don't give in to the pain
Don't try to hide
Though they're screaming your name
Don't close your eyes
God knows what lies behind them
Don't turn out the light
Never sleep never die

I'm frightened by what I see
But somehow I know
That there's much more to come
Immobilized by my fear
And soon to be
Blinded by tears
I can stop the pain
If I will it all away

Fallen angels at my feet
Whispered voices at my ear
Death before my eyes
Lying next to me I fear
She beckons me
Shall I give in
Upon my end shall I begin
Forsaking all I've fallen for
I rise to meet the end

Servatis a periculum [save us from danger].
Servatis a maleficum [save us from evil].

Lyrics for Gil

2010-08-21T06:58:00.003-04:00

Gil I love you.

"Understanding (Wash It All Away)" By Evanescence.

"You hold the answers deep within your own mind.
Consciously, you've forgotten it.
That's the way the human mind works.
Whenever something is too unpleasant, to shameful for us
to entertain, we reject it.
We erase it from our memories.
But the imprint is always there."

Can't wash it all away
Can't Wish it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't cry it all away

The pain that grips you
The fear that binds you
Releases life in me
In our mutual
Shame we hide our eyes
To blind them from the truth
That finds a way from who we are
Please don't be afraid
When the darkness fades away
The dawn will break the silence
Screaming in our hearts
My love for you still grows
This I do for you
Before I try to fight the truth my final time

"We're supposed to try and be real.
And I feel alone, and we're not together. And that is real."

Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away

Lying here beside you
Listening to you breathe
The life that flows inside of you
Burns inside of me
Hold and speak to me
Of love without a sound
Tell me you will live through this
And I will die for you
Cast me not away
Say you'll be with me
For I know I cannot
Bear it all alone

"You're not alone, honey."
"Never... Never."

Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
It just won't fade away, No

Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away

Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away

"But the imprint is always there. Nothing is ever really forgotten."
"God, please don't hate me"
"Because I'll die if you do."

Wasn't it just Yesterday. . ..

2010-06-25T17:36:00.005-04:00

Wasn't it just yesterday that we heard the news we were going to have a baby
Wasn't it just yesterday that I felt you kick inside me for the very first time
Wasn't it just yesterday that the Dr. put you in my arms
Wasn't it just yesterday you laughed for the first time
Wasn't it just yesterday you started walking
Wasn't it just yesterday you started school
Wasn't it just yesterday

The time has flown by so quickly, and as I watch you move into this next stage of life it is with mixed emotions.

So proud and happy for the confident, poised, courageous girl you are
So proud of your spirit, the way you live every moment to the fullest
So proud of the way you treat others, your compassion, your empathy
So proud of the way you are not ashamed of Jesus or His word
So proud of the young lady you are and the young woman you are becoming

There isn't a grade you could earn, there isn't an award you could win that could make me prouder. There isn't anything that could happen good or bad that would take away or add to my feelings. I am and have always been the luckiest Mom because YOU are my daughter. I get to watch YOU grow up, I get to watch YOU learn, I get to be with YOU. I am so very blessed because Jesus gave YOU to me to be my first daughter. YOU have brought me so much joy since the very first moment I knew you were coming.. Your smile, your laugh, your confidence in life, your poise, your beauty, your everything.

But I am sad for me as you grow up and away from me
sad that my baby is growing up way too fast
sad that there aren't more days like yesterday where we can just enjoy each others company
sad that I know this next chapter of your life will also fly by and I will find myself saying,

Wasn't it just yesterday she graduated grade 8.

If No One Will Listen

2010-04-16T07:31:00.002-04:00

I am hijacking the blog today because you need to know something my dearest. This is for you ....

Maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears
And so you fight to keep from pouring out
But what if you unlock the gate that keeps your secret soul
Do you think that there's enough you might drown?

If no one will listen, if you decide to speak
If no one is left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you for what you really are
I will be here still

No one can tell you where you alone must go
There's no telling what you'll find there
And God I know the fear that eats away at your bones
It's screaming every step just stay here

If no one will listen, if you decide to speak
If no one is left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you for what you really are
I will be here still

If you find your fists are raw and red from beating yourself down
If your legs have given out under the weight
If you find that you've been settling for a world of gray
So you wouldn't have to face down your own hate

If no one will listen, if you decide to speak
If no one is left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you for what you really are
I will be here still

If no one will listen, if you decide to speak
If no one is left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you for what you really are
I will be here still, I will be here still
- Kelly Clarkson

In the end, Giles, Wesley and I (Gil) "will be here still". Hold onto that.

Lyrics again. . .

2010-04-13T19:17:00.001-04:00

It's been a difficult road lately as emotions rise to the surface they are crushing and I find myself drowning. Sometimes all you can do is remember who is God and lean into Him and trust Him in the storm. These lyrics reminded me of that today.

"Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain "I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

"Can you feel it in the air. . . I am coming."

2010-03-15T09:30:00.000-04:00

There is a sudden stench in the air, a sudden putrid smell that hits every sense, overpowering, threatening to overwhelm. I am dizzy, it is hard to think, there is fear, there is evil. I am sinking into the abyss and clawing at the sinking sand. . . feverishly clawing. My breath is quickening, my hands are sweating, my heart is racing. It is hard to breath in the presence of evil. I am suddenly ill and I know I may need to find a washroom, I look around where is it coming from???

Daughter of mine come back to me. Daughter of mine I am here. Daughter of mine this is My house, He will not cross the threshold. Fresh air suddenly fills my nostrils, the air begins to clear, my eyes begin to see, my nose can smell the fragrant perfume, my heart begins to slow, I am rising.

Words scrawled on a doodle card, "we are here with you, you are safe here, you are safe."

Then the sound of Your voice in the distance, "do you hear Me, I am coming for you. Do you feel it in the air. . . I am coming for all of you, I will not leave anyone behind."

My heart quickens to a song, my voice quavers with excitement but I try to sing, He is coming for us to take us to the place that is our homeland.

Then the stirrings of a new longing, a new need, a new hope. Can you give us one more moment, give our heart more strength to look behind, give our legs more strength to stand, give our hands the ability to reach and grab hold of one more hand. . . one more child's grasp, one more mother's lost child, one more desperate hand that is clawing out of their abyss of evil? Can you give us clearer eyes to see, to see the hands and hearts desperate for their healing, their relief, their need? Can you help us to look to the child beside us, beyond the polite smile and see it doesn't reach their eyes, and reach over and grab their hand and say. "you are safe here, we are with you, He won't leave you behind."

Give us the grace of one more moment where we stop to listen to Your voice, don't let us us miss the one voice that then has to cry in that horrible suffocating loneliness "what about me, do I not count? Did you not see me crying into my pain?"

I can feel it. . . You are coming. . . help me grab one more hand to bring them too.

Cry. . .

2010-02-25T14:56:00.003-05:00

For CS again, my words fail me so I have to use someone else's.

Cry. . . by James Blunt

I have seen peace. I have seen pain,
Resting on the shoulders of your name.
Do you see the truth through all their lies?
Do you see the world through troubled eyes?
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

I have seen birth. I have seen death.
Lived to see a lover's final breath.
Do you see my guilt? Should I feel a fright?
Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?
And if you want to talk about it once again,
On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder.
Your a friend.

You and I have lived through many things.
I'll hold on to your heart.
I wouldn't cry for anything,
But don't go tearing your life apart.

I have seen fear. I have seen faith.
Seen the look of anger on your face.
And if you want to talk about what will be.
Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
Once again.

Cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

Blessed are The Tears. . .

2010-02-23T18:00:00.002-05:00

To CS, I know you think the tears I cry have nothing to do with you, but the truth is they are because of what you have done for my sake, and they are for what you went through. A song Giles shared with me awhile ago, hope it helps.

Blessed are the Tears ---Bryan Duncan

Think of all the times you've fallen victim
All the restless nights you've wrestled through
The closest of your friends abandoned, helpless
They're reaching but they're just not reaching you
You hold no valid thoughts of consolation
The future holds no interest, no concern
The world you love is closing in around you
Clearly now there's nowhere left to turn

Blessed are the tears that fall
Clean the windows of the soul
And usher in a change of heart
And bring a joy that angels know

The time has come to share you well-kept secrets
The hatred and guilt degrading you
I'm sure you blame yourself for all that's happened
This time there's just no way that it's true
You need to know you've got a friend in Jesus
You need to know he felt rejected too
Humiliating pain and unjust treatment
He's been there so he knows what you've been through

Blessed are the tears that fall
Clean the windows of the soul
And usher in a change of heart
And bring a joy that angels know
Blessed are the tears that fall
Wash the stains of life away
Forgiven and forgotten now
A new creation's here to stay

And God will send a merciful Peacemaker
Comforter of all of those who mourn
We'll become the pure in heart, the earthly meek
Enduring misdirected scorn

Blessed are the tears that fall
Clean the windows of the soul
And usher in a change of heart
And bring a joy that angels know
Blessed are the tears that fall
Wash the stains of life away
Forgiven and forgotten now
A new creation's here to stay.

For Rose. . .

2010-01-30T21:01:00.003-05:00

Rose---since you trusted me,

First I got a whole note just for me and now I feel so special. Thank-you for trusting me with your thoughts. I would just comment, but my comment would be way to long so I thought I would post a note back, being nontechnical the only way I could figure it out was to blog it.

I too have trust issues, still after all this time I find the same questions haunt me that haunt you. I too do not understand the female gender and why they are more often deceptive and cold. I too am more unsure of myself around girls than guys, and I too wish that girls would just say what they mean and not what they think you want to hear.

I think of the times that trust has been broken and there have been many many times, by both genders, by family, by the closest of friends to people who should just know better, but the times that seem to sting the most, the times that smart long after the smack has come has been the times that a girl has caused the sting. I don't know if it's because somewhere inside I expect more from girls, or because I know girls(being one) and so it has taken longer for me to jump in and trust in the first place and I end up so mad at myself for trying. I end up thinking, "why did I do this, I know better, it always ends the same, they always turn on you in the end".

I do know this that occasionally you meet a woman who is different, who has been hurt the same way as well and gets it. You move more cautiously and tread lightly and take more time because your heart is so wounded it's hard to put it on the line again, but you do and you find a true kindred spirit, a true friend. I have hope for that for me, and I do pray and hope for that for you too. I do think because these friendships are harder but then they are more worthwhile in the end.

I also know what you mean about putting on the face and pretending your okay even though you are hurting inside. Sometimes people want to see the face that says "I'm okay" and all you want is for people to see beyond the facade and see into your eyes and know you are hurting. I see that you are hurting and for the record if I could beat those people up for you I would, I hate when you are hurting not because you are my niece but because you are you. I see beauty, potential, you are deeper and have more spirit in your baby finger than most people have in their entire being. You are so very smart and have so much to give that I think the people who are breaking your trust are missing out on so much and it seems so stupid to me that they are so shallow that they can't see this. As you get older(I'm that too so again I know) you see the important things in life, and friendships are one of those things. They are hard and you really have to work hard to maintain them, but when you are sick, or your kids are hurting, or your marriage is hurting, friends are the things that keep you going, that keep you moving, and when they get to this time, they will be sorry that they lost a friend like you. I know you and I know that you would be the kind of friend that would go to the wall for someone she loved and it's a shame that others can't see that and see how valuable that is.

I know it's hard to build trust, at almost 40 I am still learning. Recently someone very close to me hurt me deeply and it was excruciating to me to even tell this person I had been hurt. I thought revealing my feelings would mean an end to the friendship but it was the opposite. We grew closer as a result. However the hour or so it took to work through it drained me, I was a mess etc. and I said at the end, this is harder than some of the other stuff I've gone through. It's harder, it's hard to even put yourself on the line, but I think it's worth it to keep trying.

Don't hide away because you are too beautiful and your spirit too beautiful to be hidden.

Full of Grace Lyrics

2010-01-13T20:11:00.001-05:00

Full of Grace by Sarah Mclachlan


the winter here's cold, and bitter
it's chilled us to the bone
we haven't seen the sun for weeks
too long too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go

if all of the strength and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I can love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace


so it's better this way, I said
having seen this place before
where everything we say and do
hurts us all the more
its just that we stayed, too long
in the same old sickly skin
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go

if all of the strength
and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
its better this way

What I need. . .

2009-11-20T16:35:00.001-05:00

Saviour Lyrics by Lights

The night is deafening when the silence is listening
And I'm down on my knees, and I know that something is missing.
Because the back of my mind is holding things I'm relying in
But I choose to ignore it because I'm always denying them

I'm a bit of a manic when it's not as I plan it
Cause I start losing my head and then I get up in a panic
Remember when we were kids and always knew when to quit it
Are we denying a crisis or are we scared of admitting it?

I don't want to know

I just want to run to you
And break off the chains, and throw them away
I just want to be so much
And shake off the dust that turned me to rust
Sooner than later, I'll need a savior, I'll need a saviour

It won't ever change if you want it to stay the same
I really hate it but I know it's hard to choose if you're chained
And when it's all you control cause you've got nothing else to hold
You're getting tighter and tighter, it's getting harder to let it go

I don't want to know

I just want to run to you
And break off the chains, and throw them away
I just want to be so much
And shake off the dust that turned me to rust
Sooner than later, I'll need a saviour
I'll need a saviour

Stand me up and maybe I won't be so small
Free my hands and feet and maybe I won't always fall...
save me

I just want to run to you
And break off the chains, and throw them away
I just want to be so much
And shake off the dust that turned me to rust
I just want to run to you
and break off the chains and throw them away
I just want to be so much
and shake off the dust that turned me to rust
Sooner than later, I'll need a saviour
I'll need a saviour

Happy 40th birthday. . .

2009-11-11T23:29:00.007-05:00

I'm not sure how I can make this an awesome birthday for you, I really want it to be an awesome day for you because of who you are and how awesome you are. I know a lot of people know you as the smart techy guy who can fix almost any computer problem they encounter, and a lot of people know you as the funny talkative guy who is confident and loves being around people and talking a blue streak, and a few of us lucky ones also know a different side of you, they know you as a loving and generous guy; generous to a fault, the kind of guy who would give you the shirt of his back, a patient guy. I also know you as a guy who hurts for the hurting, who would do anything for those who bleed on the inside, and would never take credit for what he ever did manage to do.

The part of you I was attracted to, the part I fell in love with is the part that has only grown as you have gotten older, that part is your heart. You have such a passion and a heart for God and those around you that are hurting and desperately need His healing hand in their life. There have been so many times when you have stayed up late talking to someone because they needed to talk and it didn't matter to you how late it was you were just happy to help. The countless times you were the driver that made sure that everyone else got home safely, even when driving was two hours out of your way, just to make sure everyone was home.

In my life you took a girl who didn't think she was much and made her feel like a princess. I still remember that cold February night when you reached out and put your arm around me, to let me know you cared, only for a second and then you were back with your friends trying to fix someone's car while I stood and wondered if I just had imagined that that happened. After that my heart didn't have a chance but to fall in love with you. You have always loved me with everything you have and more. You have put me first time and again, and shown me God's love.

You have also loved those I love. I remember the night you stayed up all night with Joy because she felt so sick and homesick. There were all the times you have spent on the stoop with Susie, keeping her company no matter what the weather. There was the night you drove Naomi home to Hamilton at midnight cause she missed her bus and was a newlywed and couldn't bear to be stuck at OBC(of course that gave us a chance to talk lots too).

I don't know if you know what an awesome father you are and how much the kids adore you. You never grow tired of Jessica's questions and always patiently give her the "full" answer whether she was looking for that or not. You always get up with Elizabeth even though it's three am, to help her get back to sleep. You spend so much time in the morning with Frances and you always take the time to cuddle her and tickle her, and Christopher. Well you can do no wrong in his eyes and it's easy to see why when you get to see how you are with him. In fact the look on his face in this picture says it all.

I love you very much and I hope that you do have a really good day, and that together we will have a wonderful year.

Jessica is a teen-ager. . .

2009-10-30T07:35:00.003-04:00

You came into the world in the wee hours of the morning 10 days late and full of drama, sort of like you are now. I know that you have been waiting to be a teenager for years now, but for me it's still too soon. You have the drama, you have the flair, you definitely have the attitude, but when I look at you I see my little girl, my baby girl and I think I always will. You were a surprise in the fact that you were a Jessica and not a Matthew. I was so convinced that you were a boy and everyone but your Aunt Joy agreed with me, that when you were finally born I asked the doctor if he was sure you were a girl. Now you are becoming a beautiful young lady.

I have always been amazed by you. You are brave and confident in ways I could only dream of being. You have always been the one to go out and make friends, first thing you do anywhere new we go. You are the one who is ready to put on a show and sing a song for the people around you. You are the one who is the one who greets the new kids at church and makes them feel at home. You are the one who all the neighborhood children flock too. You make me proud each and every day. You make me smile and I see so much potential in you, so many people are watching to see just what you will become.

Treasure the gift of your voice that God has given you. The very first time I felt you move was when your dad and I were at a worship conference and the band played an upbeat version of Amazing Grace and you must have started dancing. After that if I ever wanted you to move all I had to do was put music on or sing amazing grace. After you were born you would refuse to go to sleep unless we sang Amazing Grace to you----all 4 verses. You sang before you talked, you would sit in your crib singing away for 1/2 hour before you would call for us to come and get you. I would keep the monitor on just to hear you, I've always loved your voice. Every time you sing, people tell me how beautiful your voice is and how blessed they felt hearing you sing. It is really a gift from God, and He shines through you when you sing, the music is your passion is a reflection of that.

Did you know that you are also really really smart. I know that you don't think you are, but you really are. You've always been so far ahead in how you think and how far ahead you think. You were never a cranky child, but you got bored so easily that sometimes it was hard to keep you entertained. You didn't really play with toys as much as you figured out how they worked and then that was that. I still remember when you were 18 months old and I had bought you a Po doll that would make noise when you squeezed her belly. I had put you down for your nap and then I heard Po making noise again and again and again. I thought I should sneak in and move Po because I assumed that you must be rolling on her. When I walked in you were wide awake sitting with Po, her back unzipped and the the insides pulled out where you had the sound box in your hand squeezing it together again and again to make it go. After that day, Po did not hold the same fascination for you. Your like your dad that way, and he loves it.

I especially love how you love your brother and sisters, you are so good with them and they all love you and look up to you so much. I know that you sometimes get frustrated by them but you still are so patient and kind and gentle(most of the time) and it makes me so very proud.

I won't say that this year will be easy, sometimes even though you are looking forward to something like being a teenager it ends up being harder than you expected. It's a year that will bring change, some exciting and some scary but remember that the best is yet to come. No matter how hard it might seem, or how sometimes your heart might hurt, remember you have two people in your corner that love you so much and will always be here for you. You can talk to us anytime, cry at us anytime, and we will always be here to listen and walk you through.

You came to us at a time when there was sorrow and you brought us so much joy and you bring others so much joy that take time yourself to enjoy all that the year brings to you. Don't try to grow up too fast, just take your time, take it all in, breathe and laugh. I love you my dearest girl, I love you with every piece of my being. Let Jesus guide your heart and your mind, trust Him at every turn and He will give you the desires of your heart, because He loves you even more than I do.

Elizabeth is eight !!!!!

2009-10-28T01:20:00.003-04:00

I still remember that early Sunday morning that you arrived, a small tiny cry, a small tiny girl. We were all so worried through the night, I remember that I didn't get any sleep but instead prayed all night that you would make it through. We already knew you, knew you were a girl, knew your name, I had been talking to you for almost nine straight months. Prayed into the world by Jessica, prayed into that morning by me, prayed over within hours by your grandpa. When you finally decided to move you moved quickly, and when the nurse said "here look at your girl" and I looked at you and my cry was "oh baby girl" and you immediately turned your head and stopped crying to look for me. That at that first second of life you already knew my voice is one of my favorite memories, and of you there are many. That you would only sleep in my arms for two weeks, that if I was in the room your dad could not feed you it had to be me, that you used to look up at me with one eye closed. Those late night feedings where I was trying not to engage you so that you would simply eat and then go right back to sleep, and you'd stop slurping so I thought, "oh she's done" I'd look down and you would be wide awake staring at me and then you'd smile with that one dimple and the milk would run out of your mouth, and I couldn't help but smile back, coo at you and cuddle you close, even if it meant you didn't get back to sleep right away. I remember how you used to "river-dance" in your excersaucer, and you had that strange language "cooie" meant thank-you and how that worked I don't know. You burst into laughter for the first time and the longest time at something Jessica did. You always have looked up to her and wanted to be just like her in everything. Your fear of large stuffed animals that we used to keep you away from stairs, your endearing love of Candice and dressing up with her to get your picture taken.
Now you are a real pro at posing. To see you grow, how strong you've become from that tiny girl we were all worried about, to see how much love you give to all those around you, your younger sister and your younger brother, to see you grow, to hear your laugh. You are so precious to me dearest Elizabeth. Thank-you for blessing me with your life, and thank-you for hanging on with me that night. My prayer for you this year is that you will keep growing and developing and finding Jesus. That you will let Him guide you and keep you safe, that you will make even more friends and discover what your passions are. I pray that you will continue to grow in your relationship with Jessica, Frances and Christopher. That you will continue to see yourself as your dad's precious princess, that you will continue to come to me with your cares, your hopes and your dreams. I will keep praying for you always just like that night, and I will do my best to protect you and encourage you and be the best mom I can be for you. Remember you are my Angel.

Joy. . .

2009-10-04T20:58:00.002-04:00

Let the rain fall down on me
Let it cleanse me from within
Let it take my heart and lead me to the place
Where I dance before my king

Let the rain fall all around and soak me to my core
I look up into your sky
with bright eyes and wait,
yes I will wait for more.

One Republic Lyrics, for Say (all I need)

2009-09-18T09:07:00.002-04:00

The lyrics that I posted here, I posted because it is how I really felt, how I feel, and what I need now, just to say and say all I need, to fall apart if I need to, to cry and to know that it's okay and it's safe to do. I need to "say" and get all that is inside tearing me apart outside where it loses it's power and then there are others to say "you're okay, you're going to get through this". I don't even need any advice, just listeners so I can just say;

Say (All I Need)

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Yeah, better than you had it (Better than you had it)

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say it

Two Surgeries

2009-09-03T00:30:00.000-04:00

I had two surgeries this week, one was routine and simple and one was anything but. One was planned for awhile, one was an emergency. One was removing a tiny irritating organ, one was removing a large pervasive tumor. One has left me weak and in pain and one has left me strangely peaceful and alive. There are many surgeries in life; the spiritual ones are the ones that are the most important, the most dangerous, the most tiring and bear the most fruit, yet often we concentrate and pray for the simple physical ones and allow the spiritual ones to slide. We don't go for the diagnosis, we don't put in the prayer requests, we don't put in the time, and as a result we don't get to experience the freedom and peace that could be ours. I think that's sad.

Have You Noticed. . .

2009-05-22T18:17:00.001-04:00

Have you noticed how my head fits perfectly into your shoulder,
Have you noticed how your hand fits perfectly into the small of my back,
Have you noticed how we see most things eye to eye
Have you noticed how no matter what you can make me laugh

I've noticed that your hand touches mine in all the right spots
I've noticed that your eyes always melt my heart
I've noticed that your heart beat soothes my own
I've noticed that your touch melts my soul

I think we must have been made for each other
I think He must have known how much I'd need you
I think He knew that only a guy like you could reach a girl like me
I think He knew that together we would make beautiful babies.

I can't see the future but I'm glad I'm facing it with you
I can't see past this hour, but I'm glad that I get to celebrate this day
I can't see past the pain, but I'm glad that you are here with me
I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I trust you that you do.

Together we will make it through.
Happy Anniversary my love.

New Family Pic. . .

2009-05-16T19:27:00.002-04:00

My Reasons. . .

2009-05-16T19:25:00.001-04:00

Fragility. . .

2009-02-12T10:12:00.002-05:00

My father had a heart-attack last week and it has catapulted me into a introspective frame of mine this past week on how fragile we all are. Someone who seems so strong and invincible can suddenly be so ill and close to death. He was lucky that despite ignoring all the signals he didn't do damage to his heart and that despite having to face surgery tomorrow the prognosis is good. My dad has actually handled this crisis well, my mom and sister however are barely pulling through.

My mom confessed to me last night that she did not realize how much she depends on him; we three girls have always seen it but she had managed to hide it from herself until this happened. My sister too is so dependent on him too. With the struggles she has with her own sickness she depends on his strength and help everyday, and sometimes his help is what pulls her through.

I have felt very helpless in all of this. Being far away and unable to help with the day to day stuff they need has left me feeling useless. At least I'm closer than Paige. I know for her it has been even more difficult being half a world away. We have missed her too, she is always so calm, cool and collected during these times that it would be great if she was here to help us navigate through this time.

Yesterday was the anniversary of my friend's nephews suicide and in praying for him and his extended family I was contemplating again how short life can be, how we can all be surprised by how quickly things change. This time of year is the time of year that is the highest for suicide in young people. We always think we know how people are by how they present themselves but knowing from my own experience the stronger we appear on the outside is sometimes when we are the weakest on the inside and we just don't want anyone else to know how hard we are finding life.

The only comfort there is in all of this is that God is the one in control, He is the author and finisher of our lives and He has counted every breath and every tear, when we hide from others He still sees and in the end no matter when it is for each of us He is there. I am leaning on that as my dad goes in tomorrow that God has my dad's heart in His hands, that as I struggle He has my heart in His hand as well and I pray for those who are hurting that they can find Him and find the peace that comes from just knowing no matter what at the end He is there.

Be my Escape

2009-01-16T20:19:00.000-05:00

"Be My Escape"

I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging
You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You

So were You

Co-Concious for the Holidays. . .

2008-12-22T14:48:00.004-05:00

Well Christmas has been quite interesting this year so far. It is the first year where my parts and I (see Previous Post titled Me and My Selfs if you don't know that I mean), have been co-conscious and so shopping and getting things done have been vastly different than what I am used too. It has been amazing and it has shown me what is possible and showered hope on my weary soul.

It didn't start great when unexpectedly Giles decided to have his intestines quit on him and he needed emergency surgery which pushed back a needed meeting. So after some bad choices on my part in response to that things have been progressing merrily along. Normally the crowd and all the varieties of choice out there cause quite stress, distraction and frustration to my parts and we end up buying more than we need, things we don't even want and spending so much time that we are constantly playing catch up, however this year having most everyone co-conscious we attacked this season differently and as a result I am much more merry.

It started with searching for the perfect present for Giles. Wesley's present had already jumped out at me so he was taken care of but Giles was harder. All my parts wanted to participate in his gift and that made things very complicated since there are over 50 at last count. They are all very different so the possibility of buying 50 or more presents was frightening me. So we all conferenced and decided upon a craft instead. That way everyone could participate throw their own flair into it and yet it still be inexpensive.

Well for those of you who know me you know how funny the words me and crafty go together. However there is a first time for everything. The first hurdle we ran into was the purchasing of the crafting material. Do you know how large craft stores are and how much selection there is? It's mind boggling especially if your mind is already pre-boggled. It's like taking a kinder-garden class, a middle school class and a class of high school kids simultaneously to a crowded craft store and saying "have at it". Normally when I then have to have discussions we do it in my head but unfortunately for me I and those around me I found myself talking to myself quite a bit. Imagine being in a store with someone who occasionally bursts out with "that's not what we want; no we can't have that; that's too much money;" and my personal favorite, "Quit nagging me and be quiet!!!" That will get you strange looks every time. Of course looking at the positive side of things that also makes the crowds pushing and jostling around you disperse like the red sea.

So crafts bought we ventured home to actually do the crafting. It was much more difficult than I imagined---the actual crafting part--but with some help from my twelve year old daughter I did it. It was also more time consuming than I imagined it would be so I had to cut down my original concept to something more manageable but it still works. Each part was able to add their own little bit and everyone was happy. It took six hours (so Giles you had better like it) and it is a little girlie (I am a girl after all) but Giles is in touch with his feminine style so that should work still work but it's finished.

Doing the crafts also allowed me some quality time with Jessica. She loved all the craft stuff and when she first saw it after she picked up her jaw from the floor and said (You! Crafts!) she exclaimed her excitement that there was a part of me that did like crafts. I told her she could make some too we would just wait until the first three were in bed for the night and then we would sit down and craft. Like I said earlier she actually helped me with part of the craft stuff when I would get lost in the details. It was also an opportunity for her to see the parts in me, they have always been around but try not to look like they are when the kids are around so as not to confuse them; they are good at covering too after years of practice. At one point she said to me, "you make such cute noises when you are crafting and you get this look like you're a big kid----it's cool." My parts were very happy to hear that they are cool.

Then the next part of the Christmas shopping I attacked a different way too. We went out together browsing for what we wanted and then we wrote a list for each store and what we would get there for home. Then on Saturday we went out and attacked systematically and it went so quickly and was so organized I was stunned. it's never been that easy before, all the choice, all the kids inside demanding stuff, all the people confusing me, it has always been chaos and this year was different, this year I had fun.

So now on to dinner with the family and now I am much more confident that I can get through that as well.

First Day of Christmas

2008-12-04T16:32:00.002-05:00

As a family we decided to try to enjoy 12 special days of Christmas where we focus on something Christmasy to get all excited for the big day. So last night was the first day and we decided to dig out our Christmas tree and decorate it. Jessica wanted to actually put the tree together so she was in charge of that part. The kids danced around putting the ornaments up. I took pictures and video(thereby insuring that I would not be in the pictures) and everything was going well. Then tragedy struck.

It was brought to my attention that most of the ornaments were lost or broken in the move and due to two smaller children getting into mischief. So I was distraught. Those ornaments have special significance to me as many are sentimental. So I dug out the crazy glue and set out to repair the ones that I could repair.

As I cut the tip of the crazy glue open---woosh--it sprayed all over the place right into both of my eyes. The pain was excruciating!!! After I stopped screaming Gil got me into the bathroom where I began dousing my eyes with cold water. By now each of the children were screaming too. Jessica was screaming because she understood how awful the situation was, Elizabeth and Frances were screaming because my screams had scared them, and Christopher was screaming because everyone else was screaming.

Gil then placed a call to Telehealth who told us we needed to get to the emergency room. Thank goodness that Jessica is old enough to baby-sit and so we left with a cold cloth pressed up to my eyes. I could open one but it was too painful to open the other. So Gil lead me everywhere I needed to go as we navigated the emergency room and were put through to "acute care". We spent two hours there before being seen by a doctor and by then I could open both eyes. Even though I was now leaking puss out of my eyes I was told that my eyes were fine. They are still bright red but I can see and they didn't actually stick together. So I wonder how my kids will remember this in years to come.

"Do you remember the year that Mommy glued her eye-balls?" So I have decided that crazy glue is an evil substance that I refuse to use again. Gil can do all the gluing from now on. So what was meant as a nice evening ended up in the emergency room.

However I am thankful that I can see, that I didn't scratch my eye and have to wear a patch--that would have sucked.

Anticipation. . .

2008-11-26T23:50:00.002-05:00

I am looking forward to tomorrow
I am looking forward to meeting with You
I am looking forward to healing
I am looking forward to coming clean
I am looking forward to putting some stuff away
I am looking forward to sitting at Your feet
I am looking forward to crying at Your Cross
I am looking forward to learning
I am looking forward in anticipation

Agony. . .

2008-11-23T19:25:00.002-05:00

Why do all roads lead back to this place of pain and agony? Why do I never seem to be able to take more than a few steps forward? Why does the pain always return like a shadow? Why can't I get it right just once?

Lost Again. . .

2008-11-14T18:24:00.002-05:00

Well it has happened again, the vortex of time and space collide and he disappears into the abyss of W.O.W. and I am left alone. Sounds, sights, everything around him vanishes and all he sees and all he hears and thinks about is this silly game. I wish I could connect to him like it does or even understand it but I don't. It is his escape and I have enjoyed a six month reprieve until on Wednesday night at midnight he was mine. Then he went purchase the contraband and disappeared into that other world where I cannot follow. Apparently this is his escape and that is fine except that I don't have an escape. If I choose one it is unhealthy but for him it is okay. None of this makes much sense to me, nor does his love for it make sense to me, but maybe it is just me. I hate though what this all does to our relationship, how it makes us distant from each other.

I feel myself retreating to that place inside where no one can follow. You can look in through the glass and see that the piles of clutter are starting to pile up, you can see that the once swept through home is looking dirty again but the glass doors are shut and you cannot come in. Inside it is dark, empty and dank; soon the clutter of despair, aloneness, doubt, and dirt pile in corners and soon begin to encroach on the room; soon all 50 some parts will disappear again into me and they will be hard to distinguish; soon the glass will fog over and you won't even be able to see inside. Soon I will be lost again as he is.

2008-11-05T13:18:00.000-05:00

2008-11-05T13:16:00.000-05:00

Our little pixie in Frances style quit trick or treating half way through because she felt she now had enough candy. So she sat down in the wagon and just rode the rest of the way.

2008-11-05T13:14:00.001-05:00

Cinderella was absolutely beautiful. When I put her make-up on I couldn't believe how long her lashes were. They curl naturally and reach her eye-brows. They look false they are so long. I am jealous.

2008-11-05T13:11:00.001-05:00

Year after year she picks the "dark" costume, I keep praying she will grow out of it. I think it has more to do with dying her hair black than anything else.

2008-11-05T13:06:00.001-05:00

Mr. Wallstreet was all business on Halloween, he would yell at Glenn at each house to make sure that Glenn would stop the wagon and wait for him to go get the candy. He wouldn't go to the house until he was sure Glenn had stopped.

Dearest Jessica. . .

2008-11-03T21:59:00.002-05:00

Well you are finally twelve and I know for you thirteen can't come soon enough. It's been a year of change for you and you are adjusting so well. You are growing up too fast for my liking. I love how you are growing up, the way you look out for your siblings, the way you are driven to follow your dreams. I am so proud of who you are.

It makes me so happy to see how much you love Church, love it to the point of making it your party. I am going to pray that your friends have such a good time that they always want to go to the NAC PAC events with you.

You are a beautiful girl and not just on the outside, but on the inside as well. You are always concerned for others and the feelings of others. You are the smartest twelve year old I know. You have such a beautiful voice and I also pray that I will find a way to get you the voice lessons you want so that you can develop that voice of yours.

I know when you were younger I wasn't always there for you. There is so much that I have missed and so much that I wish that I had been a stronger mother for you a stronger influence when you were younger. I can't take back those years but I can tell you that I will be there for you in the future whenever you need me.

Mom.

2008-10-31T17:05:00.000-04:00

Dearest Elizabeth. . .

2008-10-29T22:12:00.002-04:00

Well you are finally seven. I can't believe that my little baby girl has gotten so big, where did all the time go. It's been a difficult year for you but you have come through it with flying colors. Change has always been hard for you, and you started last year at a new school, we moved, you started going to Church regularly, and made a new best friend. All changes that were hard but again you made it through and I am so proud of you.

Last year you were nervous about learning French and now it seems to flow out of you as naturally as English. You did let me cut your hair last year but now you are letting it grow long again. You've lost six of your teeth and now four have finally grown in. You look so much older but you still have that dimple that melts my heart.

You also are still my little chatter-box and I love hearing all your stories from school and activities with friends. You've gotten so much taller and have also become such a reader. I love that you love spending alone time with me and wouldn't trade our time away together for anything.

My prayer for you this year is that you would come to know Jesus as your personal saviour and begin to develop a deep personal relationship with Him. I am praying for this everyday and I am so thankful that we have Giles and Wesley who get you guys to Church when your dad and I miss the mark. My goal for myself this year is to be the ones that take you and to be there for all your questions so that if you need help to find Jesus I will be there to help. Having Him in your life makes all of the hard stuff, and all the change that we meet easier to deal with because He becomes our constant.

You see I don't do well with change either and it helps me that I have Jesus because Jesus never changes and so no matter what changes I face there is so much peace inside that He never changes and He can help me through the changes that are assailing me. I hope that you can find Him and find that same peace because life as you have learned this year is full of changes.

I love you Elizabeth and that will never change either.

Mommy

Christopher's Dedication. . .

2008-10-26T22:02:00.002-04:00

The dedication was beautiful. Wes delivered it and after being called up with the family(all the girls behaved themselves) he delivered this prayer. It was a beautiful service, and a beautiful day.

"Father thank you for this little boy and the persistent faith of his parents that was established in the context of Christian parents and grandparents. Thank you that Christopher has been brought today because of the desire of his parents that he grow up into manhood from childhood to be a Christian man and father. Thank you also for his sisters who have demonstrated their own desire to seek out Jesus and participate in the community of the church. Thank you for the care and pride they take in their little brother. So today is about Christopher and the desire of his parents and siblings to see him grow up into Christ.

Christopher means "Bearer of Christ". We pray that Christopher will have the grace to bear the symbolism and meaning that goes with his name and grow up to demonstrate Godly character to those around him.

We pray that Christopher be be blessed with a childlike faith in God that will stand strong in any test, becoming more defined and visible as a result.

We pray that Christopher would be blessed with a determined love for others, the hurting, the sick, the poor, the ones who don't know God, that they might come to know God through his demonstrated faith and actions.

We pray that Christopher would be blessed with courage to face any adversity the world might throw at him; the courage to stand in who he is as God's son.

We pray that Christopher would be blessed with humility, that he would be able to be a servant and seek to serve God without thought for his own gain.

We pray that Christopher be blessed to hear and know God's heart and discernment and understanding of his own heart and mind, to walk righteously and with empathy and compassion along side those that are hurting.

Finally, we pray for Christopher that he grow into a man of wisdom who's decisions are founded in God's Word, who knows best how to walk in Christ.

Amen"

Day Twenty-five. . .

2008-10-25T18:28:00.002-04:00

So the twenty-first was a success. Giles, Wesley and their wives had a good time at our house and the dinner seemed to have been enjoyed by all. Today has been busy, the kids went to a Halloween party at a local church, there is also a costume contest that Jessica has entered although apparently there were two other girls with exactly the same costume so it does not look hopeful that she will win.

Tomorrow is Christopher's dedication and we are again having company over after. Gil's mom and my parents are expected to come and Wesley gets to do the actual dedication at the front of the Church. Tomorrow I will post the prayer that we will be saying over Christopher. How it works is that we will be praying for certain characteristics to be put into Christopher's life. We usually dedicate the children much earlier than this but we have had a lot on our plates the past few years and so it got delayed. Then as I thought about bringing God back into October and making October special I thought a dedication would be really appropriate and so we decided to do the dedication this month.

Day Twenty-one . . D.Day!!!

2008-10-21T15:07:00.003-04:00

Well last night everything that could go wrong went wrong, Christopher was up a couple of times in the night throwing up, Jessica was up three times scared, an alarm went off on a mantle clock that got bumped accidentally, and then the girls missed their bus this morning(not to mention the snow). However I am feeling better than I was yesterday, my perspective is clearer and I do feel encouraged and celebratory. Giles and Wesley and their wives are going to come over, I am going to make my world famous casserole, I baked last night and even though the house isn't perfect it's a lot better than it was.

Today my devotion was on "abiding under the shadow of the wing of the Almighty" and what a beautiful image that conveys. As I pondered this devotion I was struck with the picture of how even though I did not realize or was not consciously aware of it that is where I have been all along. Even when I felt abandoned and alone I was under His wing of protection and love. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow which means that He has been with me every step of the way. The promise is that everyday I can be aware of that presence and that He is still with me and will be with me. So as company comes I will abide under His wing and worship Him and be thankful that there is such a place reserved for me.

I have been in the desert for 20 years and today I claim the promised land. When the Israelites were in the desert and they came into the promised land it was not just laid open for them, the trials were not over, they still had to go and fight for what God had promised them and that is how it is with me. I am coming out of the desert but I still have some battles to fight to claim His full promise for me and my family.

The other analogy I thought of was Lazarus being raised from the dead, he came out of the tomb but still needed to be unbound by his family from his grave clothes. In that aspect I have arisen from my grave but I still need to be unbound from my grave clothes, freed from the last vestiges of the life that has kept me from God and free to live my life again. So I am grateful and looking forward to the celebration tonight.

Day Twenty. . .

2008-10-20T18:44:00.003-04:00

Well today was another tough day. However enough about me today is my good friends birthday. As I thought about that today I found myself thanking God for not only bringing him into this world but blessing my life with him. I thank God that God has allowed him a profession which allows him to bless the lives of so many other people too. He is very gifted with empathy and understanding and I know he has helped so many people. Having him in my life has also opened me up to know other people too and hopefully as the years progress we will be better friends. So today I celebrate him and I thank God for him. I thank God for letting me meet him and for the friendship that has developed between us. I thank God that he led him into the profession he is in so that he can bless others. I thank God for his family and the opportunity I have had to get to know all of them.

My prayer for him for this year is that he is blessed in more ways than he can ever imagine and beyond his wildest dreams. I pray that he continues to be used in ways he can't see yet but that his ministry and business allows him to be as busy as he can handle. I pray that his family will be blessed, safe and grow even closer.

So happy birthday dear friend of mine!!!!!

Day Eighteen. . .

2008-10-18T22:29:00.006-04:00

I won't lie and say that it has been a great day, but it has been a growing day. I have been suffering the past few days with insomnia but at last this afternoon I managed to get a few hours sleep and that has made a huge difference to how this evening played out. Although the day has been discouraging and I have been unproductive in every way it is days like this when we flock to Jesus in search of comfort and that is a good thing.

My devotions where Luke 24:15 says that "Jesus Himself drew near. . .", it was such a comfort to read these words that despite the agony my heart and mind endured that today I could hold on to the fact that Jesus Himself draws near. In our grief, in our pain He comes and draws near.

Many things begin to go on in my mind as the 21st approaches. I begin to remember that awful day 20 years ago that changed my life so radically and that of my family. Our world was torn apart and nothing has been the same, I wasn't the same and although tragedy and torment have followed I have never allowed myself to grieve and then put it away. Instead I tried to deny it, tried to stuff it deeper inside, put on a happy face, gone on with my life in what way I could to survive and now it is time to bury this and take back my life. I can never be who I was, I can never be that girl again and that is very sad. What happened to me was horrible and very sad, but at least I wasn't alone. Until this year I have always felt like I was but I know now I was never alone, Jesus walked that day with me, and has walked the past 20 years with me too. He has drawn nearer to me even when I tried to push Him away, and He has been faithful and persistent in reclaiming and redeeming me. This year I will let myself cry, grief and even succumb to the sadness in order to let it go. This year I will draw near to Jesus so that I can grieve the way He wants me to and with Him by me so that together we can get past this. All days are His days and I will not let a day or a month be used by any other force again.

These are two of the passages that spoke to me and brought me comfort last night,

"Here is God the Christ the Great I AM, totally identifying, understanding, and hurting with me right where I am in my pain, suffering and victimization. The Incarnate God, my Elder Brother, Companion, Unrelenting Lover, and Fellow Sufferer, who at great cost to Himself desires to become my Savior, Healer, and Restorer of new life. The Great I AM is weeping as I am weeping." David A. Seamands.

He weeps as I weep, He grieves as I grieve.

"He not only bore the penalty and consequences due all who have sinned, but He also experienced the whole range of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual pain borne by those who have been sinned against. He totally identified with all innocent victims as well as all guilty sinners." David A. Seamands.

As much as I have suffered He is one person who gets it, who really truly gets it and therefore gets me.

Day Seventeen

2008-10-17T09:03:00.002-04:00

A chill creeps in through this October morning and I pick up the old familiar blanket of discouragement. It's familiar smell and folds easily wrap around me and I settle in the comfort of it shedding the uncomfortable scratchy blanket of the past few days. I am hoping that perhaps as the day goes on the sun will come out and warm my heart again but I must confess that I do not have much hope in this respect.

I was venturing into Sunnydale last night with Giles and Wesley and it did not go as well as I would have hoped. There is progress but at times progress moves like a snail when I would like it to move more like a rabbit. I have never been a patient person especially when it comes to myself and so I get easily frustrated when I cannot move forward in this process as much as I would like. Why can I not just leap ahead like a gazelle or deer? Why must each step be so darn challenging? Why does it seem like some people's lives go merrily along and mine passes before me unlived? My head hurts today but my heart hurts more and there is no relief.

Day Fourteen. . .

2008-10-15T01:36:00.002-04:00

Well the official thanks-giving ended yesterday but our dinner is not until next week and so we continue to work around the house to try to perfect our house for our company on the 21st. I am not an easy person to live with when things like this are on the horizon because I get so anxious and then I start to notice all the things that are wrong with the house and begin to drive Gil nuts because I am certain we will not be ready in time. Luckily he is used to me and so it seems to roll off him, but the stress has started and I'm trying not to let it consume me but it is difficult. It's nice to see the house coming together I just wish it would happen at a faster pace.

We had cell tonight which I thoroughly enjoyed and it was a chance for them to pray into October for us as we continue to try to change this time of year for everyone in the family. We took some time chatting about the change in me from even just one year ago. One of the people there said that I "radiated" now, I felt uncomfortable when they were saying nice things about me but I am beginning to see the changes myself. I don't recognize who I was a year ago, I am different but those demons are still howling at my door and I am scared that I will fall back into the old ways, or that I will fail.

Failure is so scary to me and I am afraid of disappointing my friends and family and there are times when I don't feel strong enough to keep up the good fight. Thank goodness Jesus is strong enough to carry me. Because of Jesus I can celebrate day fourteen and know that as the month progresses He will continue to help me and be my strength on the days that I don't think I can make it.

Day Twelve. . .

2008-10-12T23:12:00.002-04:00

So of course the first question becomes what happened from day eight on that I have not been posting as faithfully; well it's been a tough go with sickness and discouragement looming from every avenue. However it is day twelve and I am still here and still finding ways to find joy everyday. It however is proving to be a bigger battle than I first imagined it to be.

You can become complacent in life and forget that you are in a battle, but the truth is that we are in a war and I am right now on the front lines. I'm here because3 I took the battle to the enemy this month instead of waiting for him to spring at me from the corners. It's hard but who said war would be easy. I'm glad that I have made this decision because despite how hard it can get and how discouraged I am some days I feel like I am doing something and that life is not just passing me by.

We've made progress around the house as we prepare for the celebration on the 21st. There are pictures on the wall; I've lost 9 lbs, all things to be grateful for and all continual progress towards that date. I know that tough times are still in store and that the big guns are probably going to come out but I'm in the trenches and I'm thankful that there is a trench for me to be in. I'm thankful that I can fight and that my life has purpose just in that. Many people are going through their life blind unaware of the fight around them and things may look good but they are not living in reality and I would rather be in a fight and be struggling and be living in reality than be blindly rolling through life unaware.

Jesus is always gracious, gentle and kind and as my walls of denial fall down and I grieve, I also become more aware of how often He has reached out and pulled me from the brink with a time of renewal; whenever I become afraid He finds a way to pour His mercy into my life; He is always faithful and that brings joy to my heart and makes this October so full of promise rather than despair.

Day Seven. . .

2008-10-07T23:48:00.002-04:00

Day seven has been frustrating for me and I can't explain me why other than it just didn't unfold the way I wanted it too. I have been tired and dragging all day and when I almost gave up I finally put some praise music on and the clouds parted and joy poured in. God is good. So today I celebrate music and praise and in light of that I want to share with you a song that was played for me on Monday night that I found so true for this season of joy that I am seeking for this October. This is

Desert Song Hillsongs.

Verse 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

Verse 2:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Verse 3:
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Verse 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

Day Six

2008-10-07T00:37:00.002-04:00

Today was a mediocre day there was good and there was bad. The good was that I got to spend my money that my mom sent me for my birthday, the bad Gil and I had another fight. Fighting with Gil taxes me on a level I can't even describe because I love him so much that any disconnect that occurs between us causes me great distress. However I was reflecting as I got ready to write this blog that today being mediocre is in itself a miracle. I've never had mediocre days they have either been really bad or really good. Middle ground and gray areas were non-existent in my life and everything was painfully one way or the other so today I celebrate mediocrity.

Day Five. . .

2008-10-05T23:00:00.000-04:00

Well today was a very surprising day, nothing went according to plan. I was planning to go to Church and had our clothes laid out and everything. Had the day laid out too, what was happening after Church; who was doing what and going where and when, and suddenly I am waking up in a very groggy state and it is 1:30 in the afternoon. Not to mention I actually was still unable to string two thoughts together and then slept until 5pm. What happened? Apparently this morning when Gil tried to wake me from my sleep of the day without any success so Linda came and gathered the troop for Church and he then tried to wake me again at 1:30 to explain he was going to get a bed for Frances and Jess was planning on watching everyone and then he was home at 5pm. I don't know what happened my feet are killing me which considering I have been in bed ALL day I don't understand how they could possibly hurt.

So no progress on the celebration front in one sense but I am celebrating getting a good night and days sleep.

Day Four. . .

2008-10-05T00:21:00.000-04:00

Today was a busy day but another good day. I woke up early and was blessed with the sight of the sun cascading across the field in the back of our house. Some of the trees and bushes have begun their slow change towards winter and the sky in the early morning was a crisp blue. I spent the first moments of the morning in prayer and praise before God, it started a wonderful day four.

Today I thank God and my parents for sending me to OBC. It was at OBC that I was able to find God again. At first I wanted nothing to do with God but opening up His word and studying His word filled me with such joy that I couldn't stay away from God. I found my spirit continuously seeking God and as a result I also became painfully aware of how far from God I had traveled. OBC showed me that I needed God and I needed healing and started the journey back.

So as I look at 1990 I look at OBC and the blessing that it was for me, I thank my parents for sending me and mostly I thank Jesus for putting me there and seeking me out there in order to bring me home.

What is amusing about today is that an old friend from OBC contacted us and wanted to pop in for a visit. So I said(uncharacteristically) sure drop in I'll make dinner. Well this was stepping far out of my comfort zone but we managed just fine, I made a lovely chicken casserole and we had a lovely visit. Yes I am making progress even in unexpected ways.

So I let go of 1989 and 1990 as the OBC years thanking God for this provision for me during those years and I move forward as the celebration continues.

Day Three. . .

2008-10-04T00:46:00.000-04:00

Well the show must go on even if there is a hiccup in the proceedings. By hiccup I mean that today was not a happy day. I have felt sad and depressed, Gil and I have had a fight, things have not been perfect. However I know that this too will pass and that life cannot be perfect and that despite this blip in the proceedings I am still blessed and so we move on. Onward and upward. I choose to move on in the knowledge that God is good and that He loves me, even though like this day I am not perfect. Thank goodness He sent perfection so that I didn't need to be.

Day Two. . .

2008-10-02T22:59:00.000-04:00

Well today I celebrated my birthday and it was a fantabulous day. It was a day of pampering and luxury. I had my roots done, a slight trim, facial. the works. It was a day for me to be doted on and cared for and I even had a chauffeur at my beck and call to drive me around everywhere. It was rainy at times, but when the sun managed to poke it's head out it was so beautiful. Where the sky was blue it was a real sky blue and I even liked how crisp the air felt. My day was topped off with dinner at this cute diner in town with Gil and then cake with the kids. They each bought me a pair of earrings and wrapped it in a huge box with duck-tape. Day 2 was a success and I feel even more blessed, blessed and how gracious God continues to be, blessed that He has given me such an awesome family and such great friends.

Day One. . .

2008-10-01T23:44:00.000-04:00

Today I celebrate survival. For a long time I have questioned whether I 'should' or 'should not' have survived that October day twenty years ago but I have come to realize that there was no 'should' or 'should not' there just is. I survived! Plain and simple I survived. What is different from before though is that today I am happy and feel blessed that God in his goodness has helped me and granted me the wherewithal and gumption, the physical strength and the opportunity to survive. I am blessed and I am grateful that I survived that horrendous year and that I am where I am today. I am blessed.

Today I also welcomed Manise and forgave Kevin and I now let go of 1988 and I choose to move on from here.

Just because . . ..

2008-09-30T09:09:00.000-04:00

This pic makes me laugh and today I desperately need a reason to laugh.

A Praying Parent. . .

2008-09-16T22:09:00.000-04:00

I came upon this verse today from Lamentations 2:19 "Pour out your heart like water before the face of the Lord. Lift your hands toward Him for the life of your young children." and I found myself thinking of a couple I know who at this moment I am sure are doing just this---pouring their heart out before God in search of comfort and mercy as they say good-bye to their son.

Their oldest child their son left today for Afghanistan and last week they had a scare with their daughter who seems to have a heart arrhythmia and so the past two weeks have been difficult for them to say the least. Even though their children are no longer young the principle still applies and because of who this couple is I know that they don't need to be told to pray over their children since prayer colors every fabric of their life.

They are prayer warriors and take everything to Jesus in prayer; when they are angry they pray, when they are stressed with business they pour it before God, when they are sad they let their tears flow before Jesus, and when they are full of joy they praise God and sing in worship. Their lives are characterized by prayer and it has made them who they are and I stand in awe of them.

It is this that has made them strong and able to deal with the sacrifice they face now as they say good-bye to their son. It is this heart for God that has helped them face countless trials and stressors and still find joy in each and every day. It is this life commitment to prayer that enables them to be warriors for the Kingdom that is to come and has made them the extra-ordinary people they are. It is this that gives them courage in the face of this new danger to their child(something I could not even imagine), it is this that gives them hope in light of the struggle their daughter faces and it is this that shows me how powerful a praying parent is.

Their children carry the imprint of caring parents that have prayed over them their entire life. Their children are caring, joyful young people involved in Church, and one now one serving his country in such a sacrificial way. I see in their children and other young people whose parents have taken the time and made the commitment to pray over their children and seeing the effects trying myself to much more faithful in my prayers for my children.

Gil and I feel blessed that we know couples like this that can mentor us, in all truthfulness we feel blessed just to know this couple because of how wonderful they are as people and the inspiration their family is to us. We now also have the blessing that they have adopted our children into their hearts and I know they now pray for our children as well as their own and so I want to say to them, "we also have your children in our prayers, especially Jonathan at this time." We love you guys.

You are beautiful. . .

2008-09-10T21:00:00.000-04:00

There are so many different ways that beauty speaks to us, in the first laugh of a baby, the funny expressions our two-year old comes up with, and lately in the beauty of your growing up. A mother always hates it when her children begin to exert their independence and grow away from you in life. I hate it and I was blessed with you my oldest daughter being extremely independent. So you have been growing up and away from me from the minute you were born. At four months old you would get angry if you saw us helping you to sit up and we would have to sneak in and hold your pj's where you couldn't see our arms and then you would sit there proud as punch that you were sitting on your own---at only four months. Now we seem to have moved into the phase of slamming doors, rolling eyes, and the constant "oh mother" looks.

You are growing up and out and I hate it. Your arms and legs are at the willowy , gangly stage where you don't seem to quite know how to work them, sometimes giving the appearance that you are doing some sort of wood-nymphy dance by the light of moon and at other times it looks like you are having a seizure as somehow you manage to knock down everything close to you and even some things not so close. You don't seem to know how to work these growing limbs yet, or how to style her hair just right.

Then there's the graceful way you flick your long brown hair behind your ears that takes my breath away how grown up you look, how beautiful you are becoming. The way you mother your brothers and sisters speaking in tones reminiscent of my own showing a maturity few possess at this tender age and then the way you burst into tears once again reminding me that you are only eleven.

You are beautiful with your dark brown hair, and chestnut eyes, that perfect nose that we have yet to trace to either family history. There mischief in those eyes that twinkle, and fire in all your moods and I am aware that the teen years are sure to be hellish. (Envisioning slamming doors here, more rolled eyes, and of course the "I hate you - you are ruining my life"), but I saw something beautiful in a picture today, a picture that you didn't know was being taken or that you were in. Sitting in the corner in this picture there is a look that betrays your real feelings. There is admiration in your gaze a look of wonder a look that says "I want to be like you" and if you follow your gaze you are looking at me (yes me).

I hope in reality you are more like yourself than me, but as you grow away it's nice to know that a part of you still thinks I'm the best mom, even if you can't say it, even if you still roll your eyes, and slam the door, even if you don't think I know it, it's nice to see your pride that I am your mother is still there. There is that look that wants me to see you and be proud of who you are, that part of you that still cares what I think and still needs my approval so. . .

"Yes dearest fire child, I could not be prouder of you or more in awe of who you are and who you are becoming. You're beautiful, and that's for sure. . don't ever ever change."

2008-08-18T18:55:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday Frances. . .

2008-08-13T12:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Frances,

Well I'm sure to you it has taken forever to get to this day, but here we are and you are finally five. I remember last year the day after your birthday you appeared at our bedside to ask "am I five today?" and after bursting out laughing I explained that it would take another year before you would have another birthday. I was pleased that at least it must have been a good day for you if you were already awash in anticipation for the next birthday.

You have had quite the year, it has been full of change but you have adapted well to every single one of the changes. You started Junior Kindergarten and for half a year that meant taking the bus every day. You loved that part and enjoyed putting on your backpack and walking to the bus-stop down the street. You always looked so little to me, with a backpack almost as big as you, climbing into that huge yellow bus to go to school.

We also moved to another house and that doesn't seem to have bothered you either. You seem to like the layout of our new house better. You love our neighbors and from the looks of the trays of cookies that Julie made you they like you as well. The only regret you seemed to express was missing Dickens our cat since he didn't make the move with us. However you didn't express your loss in a dramatic way other little girls might have you moved on from it rather quickly, seemingly to understand that loss and change are a part of life.

You excelled at Kindergarten which of course doesn't surprise anyone because you are smarter than your average junior kindergarten girl. This year also marks your most talkative year. The days that you spent at home were quite noisy compared to the days when you weren't here. You would talk to me and pepper me with questions all the day long and chat with your brother who absolutely adores you. You two seemed to miss each other on the days you were in school because on the opposite days I would often find you two locked in an embrace, cuddling on the couch watching a movie or dancing together. I found it quite delightful that your presence brings out his softer side and I hope that that is something that continues.

You really do mean so much to your Dad and I. You are a breath of fresh air in our family. You are the first to rise and sometimes the last to go to bed. Trying to get you to stay in bed and actually sleep is often a challenge. You often wake up way before the rest of us and sometimes you awaken before the sun even rises. Candice spent time this summer watching you guys and told us how she was awakened at 5:00 am and she had to explain to you that even though it was bright out and even though the birds outside your window were singing it was definitely not time to get out of bed yet. Somehow she convinced you and you went back to bed but probably not back to sleep.

You are also always full of song, your little voice peels through our house as you sing and dance the day away. You love the full length mirrors in the hall and the basement and can often be found standing in front of them admiring your latest fashion experiment, singing, or talking to yourself, once you even sat in front of the mirror reading yourself a story and showing your reflection the pictures in the book to make sure that whoever was looking back at you was following along as well.

You definitely suit your name, you are free and pure, unencumbered by social expectations you express whatever happens to be in your little head at that time. You hug almost everyone you meet and lavish lots of hugs on the people who are special to you---like Grandpa. You tell us often how much you love us spontaneously when we are doing other things and it delights our soul.

This year has also marked our return to Church as a family and it has been so good for our hearts that going to Church is important to you. You love Sundays because you get to dress up go to Church and dance in front of the Church to the worship music. You enjoy your junior church experience and often come home with a myriad of crafts. On days when as parents we have not been able to go, you still long to go so Uncle Byron and David usually fill in the gap for us (Thanx guys).

I love how much you delight in life, I love how your laughter seems to burst forth like a waterfall from a stream and cascade all around us. You laugh all the time and I hope you never have a reason to stop. I love your little voice that is still higher pitched than your average voice, I can always tell no matter where I am in the house who is talking. I love your hugs, your bursts of love, your singing and your dancing.

I'm also glad that yesterday when we celebrated your day that you really enjoyed it. I love that you enjoyed every little bit of your party since you have been waiting for so long. I loved how you showered Byron and David with affection, how you gasped at every gift, how everything about the day seemed to delight you and today that has only continued. You know it's okay if you slow down a little bit in the growing up department, my heart would appreciate it if you did so that I can enjoy my little girl for a little bit longer. I do love you so very much, happy birthday dearest girl.

Dieting. . .

2008-08-04T13:51:00.000-04:00

Trying to get fit, trying to be healthy, to exercise and to diet is what seems to be consuming me at the moment. I hate it, I hate excercise but I hate how I look right now more. So I am trying really hard to stick to the diet but most days I just want to throw it all out the window. Why do we have to diet, why can't we eat what we want when we want and still lose weight or at least stay the same. I used to be able to do that, then I had kids and it became something I have to work at, after Jessica I still did okay but then Christopher came along and my metabolism slowed down to a crawl. I started gaining weight even when I did not eat, and no matter what I did I couldn't seem to lose weight. The doctor and I even started to believe I had entered extremely early menopause, I was frustrated and at my wits end.

Then Glenn and I decided to embark on a crazy "all bacon all the time" diet(lol) and things managed to get jump-started. Suddenly I started to lose and so did Glenn. Of course I'm still not losing as fast as I want to but I know it's because I still need to add the fitness part into the diet. Yuck yuck yuck I hate exercise. It's too bad we don't have a pool or a squash court near us. Those are two things I love doing and would do so naturally thereby getting fit would be a by-product but unfortunately that is not my life so I must find other ways to get fit. At least another by product of the weight loss is that I have more energy to put into exercise. For awhile there I had barely enough energy to breath, and exist and now that energy is beginning to be in abundance so at least exercise is at least possible.

Yes after 20 years of not being able to function in the morning before noon, my clock has finally switched back and I now am awake during the day and sleeping peacefully at night. I did not think that this would ever be possible and I wish I had found the "secret pill" long before now. It would have been so much easier when the kids were super small if my time clock had been correct but until the past month being able to function before two in the afternoon was an impossible dream, now it is a reality and I am loving every second of it.

So all that to say that I no longer have an excuse not to be healthy not to get fit and even though I hate the idea I must start. . . yuck!

Beauty and the Beast. . .

2008-07-17T11:54:00.000-04:00

You probably think I am talking about a couple, but actually I'm talking about this past weekend. It was a beautiful time that turned beastly at the very end with our trip home, so come with me and I'll take you deep into my escape from the city and from the kids. It started when Gil had extra time off because of the hours he has been able to log lately and so he made arrangements with Rose to come and baby-sit the three we have at home so that we could escape to the cottage for a weekend alone. It was awesome that it happened at all, that he would notice we needed time to connect, time to unwind and just be together in the quiet of each others company. No T.V., no computers(no faceboook) no phones just us.

As a teen quiet time, or time away from technology would have seemed crazy to me, why would you ever want to go away alone with only one person to a spot so secluded no one can reach you, that just seemed like the epitome of boredom to me, but now, now that I have three little munchkins at home and one big munchkin, silence has become golden because it is in such short supply, it is heaven, it is bliss, it is pure relaxation and I finally understand my parents. I have learned that true love is being able to be silent together, that even in the silence you know each other and can feel each others' moods and you don't feel the need to fill up the air with talk, it is just fine to be silent with each other.

The initial plan was for Gil to pack me up and surprise me last minute but he decided that perhaps it would be better to give me some notice, let me pack myself and also therein let me have the joy of anticipation which sometimes is half the fun. So once Rose was booked in he told me of his dastardly plan to leave our children and retreat to the bliss of my family's cottage. It is only accessible by boat(although that will be changing) there is no phone, no T.V. and no internet access so it is a true retreat. These are things that could be changed but my family has loved the remoteness of the cottage and enjoyed being unreachable so my parents have decided not to change these things, (thank-goodness).

We left the city later than I had wanted to, we were hoping to leave right after lunch but Rose had a job interview and also was horribly sick, so the fact that she was still coming despite this ailment was good news to us so we didn't mind leaving later. Also as always it took us longer to pack up than we wanted and we needed to stop in Costco to get the few groceries we would need for our retreat. However despite it being a Friday evening there was little to no traffic. It seemed that the weather forecasters had scared people off by their predictions that it would rain all week-end long.

When we arrived my parents were still there waiting and we had a quick chat with them, they showed us the renovations which included new stairs to the deck and stone stairs up instead of the rough path that it used to be and then they left. We settled into our retreat, snacking and reading and then we watched a movie before retiring for the evening.

The next morning was rainy, every kind of rain, hard downpour, the lighter spritzing, wind, thunder and then a gentle more steady rain. I loved hearing the rain on the roof and snuggling up inside to watch old movies and just enjoy being together. Nothing to do, no dirty diapers to change, no fights with children over meals, no having to cut sandwiches into various sizes in order to please everyone, no needing to be referee to the myriads of fights that would have escalated by now, just the quiet bliss of rain on the roof, and the wonderful strong arms of my husband as we snuggled in. We didn't care that it was raining this time alone was as they say priceless.

Gil had finished novel number one and began his second. That in itself was amazing because he is not a reader except on these occasions when we escape our brood (which almost never) and he is not a fast reader but he really was enjoying this novel so he flew through and then was on to his spare.

The next day he began novel number three, yes he finished the second one as well. He actually had not brought up a third and was about to succumb to boredom, but as always I saved the day by having picked up another book at Costco before we actually left town. This book called The Shack by William Young, it had an endorsement from Michael W. Smith which is really the only reason I felt compelled to buy it so I suggested that Gil read it since Michael W. Smith is his favorite singer. So he decided to start this novel, he found the first 80 pages difficult to read emotionally but after that all he would say is how good it was and how much I needed to read it also.

This day was a beautiful day and the promised rain never materialized, there was a cool wind, and the dock was bathed in sunshine the whole day. I was wise and slathered on the sun-tan lotion but Gil(as is his habit) decided not to worry about it. I not only read but did some exercise too and swam in between reading but Gil became absorbed in his novel and only after much coaxing at the end of the day did he venture in for a swim. The water was cool, too cool to swim the lake (not that I would have survived such a swim anyway) but it was wonderful, refreshing and absolutely refreshing. So after his brief dip, we barbecued our steaks and sat down to a wonderful meal.

Later that evening I noticed that Gil had quite a peculiar sun-burn, because of where he had been sitting on the dock he had a burn on one side of his body, one side of his neck, one arm, one leg and one foot. It was also one of the worst sunburns he's ever had so he was quite sore and of course I had a good laugh at his expense.

After supper we played a card game, watched a movie, talked, snuggled, read some more before drifting off to sleep. The slumber of no children venturing in, in the wee hours of the night for hugs, kisses, water etc. The next day we reluctantly packed up for the long journey home. We really didn't want to leave but this was the longest we have left the children and Rose was sick and so we had to after all we are supposed grown ups right?

This is where it all turns beastly, first we have to leave and second, well you see there was a small accident. The way our cottage works with only having lake access is that a marina down the way houses the boat and so one person drives the boat and one person drives the car to the marina to pick up the first person. Since I only drive land vehicles(and even that is disputed by many) Gil was the one driving the boat. So we loaded up the boat and went across the lake to pack up the van. When we got there, there was a large truck barring the road. It had slid in the gravel down the hill and barred the way of getting out, it was sideways and so they were waiting for a truck to come and pull them out of the way. This meant that we too were waiting. Gil however is an impatient man and we were concerned for Rose as she had promised she would watch for the morning but she did have a life to get back too after all.

So after discussing the predicament with the four burly strangers Gil decided to try to pass the truck by moving some bushes out of the way. He also was being protective of me because he didn't want to leave me alone with four strangers and so he wanted to make sure that I could leave. So he tried to pass but at the last second the van slipped on the gravel and the load of this truck went crashing through our two back windows.

So now we had to go to town to get bags to duck-tape the back windows. Once that was done we were finally on our way (we would have saved time just by waiting for the truck to come tow the burly men's truck) we then got into a long traffic jam. I took the opportunity to paint my toe nails and my nails because what else are you going to do in a traffic jam, and after a long long drive we finally arrived (again much later than we wanted) to relieve Candice of her burden and return to domestic bliss.

The kids were happy to see us and I was shown just how much our presence was missed when I sat down to my laptop to see what had happened in the world of facebook and they all crowded around me not wanting to let me out of their sight. This is something I have learned as a parent that there are times when you need time away from your kids not only for your piece of mind and that precious time you and your husband need, but also so that they have a chance to miss you as well. It is in times of absence and then re-connection that they learn that you(as their parents) can leave and you always return, this lets them learn to trust. They have a chance to miss you and look forward to your return, they learn that you value the relationship with their dad enough to take the time away that you need, and that will give them skills when it comes down to the way they parent and will teach them how to value their future spouse.

Growing up TOO fast. . .

2008-07-17T00:54:00.000-04:00

I've complained on this blog about how fast Jessica is growing up, and there are times when I see her sisters desperately trying to grow up, I've written about Elizabeth's first "boy-friend" and her first kiss, but I really thought that I would not be here writing about my son until at least he started pre-school, but I have learned much to my heart's dismay that my son is a player. Today I decided to treat my kids(the three that are at home right now) to ice-cream while of course sticking to my own diet and resisting the cold delicacy, so I packed them up into the van and off we went. Once we got there it was the process of picking which ice-cream they wanted. I picked for Christopher just the standard chocolate and then once the girls picked theirs we sat down at a table in order to avoid making a huge mess in the van.

After a few minutes another couple of families with similar thoughts of cooling off with ice-cream entered the store. One of these families had a two-three year old little girl with them. She was shy with a mop of tangled brown curls and huge baby-blue eyes. She was wearing nail-polish and had earrings and Christopher was smitten.

Now you must understand this little guy does not get smitten by the opposite sex very easily. Having three older sisters more often than not he avoids girls, and usually does not like to be around anyone but his dad; he is known for playing shy; yet this girl got a reaction. He barely talks yet here he is talking a blue streak to her. She would smile and bat her lashes and he would say, "how r u?" with the slur because his "r" isn't quite right yet. The funniest moment though was when he said as he pointed to himself, "I'm 'fir-'fir' what u?" It was all I could do to stay in my seat and not roll about laughing.

Elizabeth even noticed and exclaimed, "that girl and Christopher are standing and talking real close!" I was like, "yes I think they like each other", by the time we left he had ascertained her name, "Isabella," and said "bye Bella". So sweet and I don't mean the ice-cream.

Amazing Grace Leading to Amazing Love

2008-07-10T22:51:00.000-04:00

It is not often that I get to blog happily so this is a refreshing change for me. It is amazing because I really didn't think that you would find me here today knowing that I was off to Sunnydale last night but God in His mercy and grace has delivered me yet again and now peace floods my soul. I sing praises to His name, grateful am I that I serve such a wonderful Lord who is pleased to bring me good gifts, to bring me my hearts desire.

I feel like a teenager in love tonight, Gil arranged a baby-sitter so that we could get some time alone at the cottage. It's so exciting to know we will have three whole nights and two whole days of just each other. After fifteen years you would think that we would be sick of each other but it actually quite the opposite. In celebration I got my hair done yesterday and I am once again in my natural blond state and that makes me happy. It's short, but I knew that it would have to be right now because it would get damaged and now that it is done I can just keep it like this and begin the grow out portion. My hair has been growing fast so I'm not too worried about the length and for the summer it's perfect. So right now I am preparing for my second honeymoon and getting giddy in love again.

I think it's amazing when you can find in your soul-mate a person who always sees you as the most beautiful person in the world, when it seems he breathes in the air that you exhale, where no matter what physical condition you are in he sees beauty, when no matter how you hurt his heart he forgives, and where no matter how long you've been together and how much of the "worse" he has seen he still stays because the "better" just keeps getting better. I think that when you find someone who you can just be who you are with it is the most amazing of all loves, it's the person that you can fall in love with again and again; it is miraculous. That is what I have found with Gil, my heart and soul, my hearts desire.

In Case of Emergency , , .Please Read.

2008-07-09T00:43:00.000-04:00

I have decided to write a small note to update how things are going for me emotionally. I have been writing more as you all I am sure have noticed by the millions of comments left on the blog, and I think that it has been doing me good. I have changed and grown over the past three weeks in an incredible way, I am not sure how and I am not sure it will "stick" because it rarely does but I wanted to write tonight in case tomorrow I am back to hiding and wallowing in a sickly despair that is my usual state of being.

Tomorrow night Gil and I are off to Sunnydale to fight the uber-evil Forsythe and so I do not know exactly what shape I will be in. It is true that as a slayer I rebound well, and I heal faster than most, but I have been weakened greatly by the uber-evil and so I may not be strong enough. Giles and Wes will be there to guide and coach me and I do have God on my side but if my mind falters I forget so this blog is a pre-post for myself to read in the next four weeks should I doubt, should I falter and dive into the abyss, should I lose myself in the blackness I am hoping this will help to find me. (if you are all confused don't worry the code is understood by those who need to understand)

So this past three weeks God has brought me out of a despair that I thought had captured my mind and I was 100% positive I could not escape from. I despaired even of my own life and I did not think that I was worth saving, that my children would be better without me, however God remained faithful and I for no earthly reason began to improve. I began to get better daily, feel better do more and become stronger. I can't put my finger on an event, a moment, anything like that it has been gradual, bit by bit, moment by moment, day by day, it has been a difficult and I can't say that enough a DIFFICULT time, but I have become stronger. The fact that there is no one event to correlate it to makes it obvious to me that it has been the work of God in me. I feel His hand on me, gently guiding me back to Him, His mercy, His grace, saying bit by bit, moment by moment, reminding me this isn't a sprint, this is a marathon. Three weeks ago I think I hit the wall in the marathon and almost called it in, but I got up and now I am planning to fight through and get to the end of the race. Below is a song by Relient K that describes my mood, in bold are the lyrics and beside are notes describing why they fit with me, just in case my mind is a blank after tomorrow.

RELIENT K ----CONSEQUENCES

And I’m good, good, good to go

I got to get away
Get away from all of my mistakes I always want to run from my mistakes.

So here I sit looking at the traffic lights
The red extinguishes the hope that the green ignites I am scared that tomorrow the red will win again
I want to run away I want to ditch my life that I will run again
Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night because my mistakes do keep me up at night

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don’t want nothing to hurt me I always think that this is the best way
I had no idea where my head was at then I wonder where my head is at
But if my heart says I’m sorry can we leave it at that and I hope again that because I'm sorry that's
Because I just want for all of this to end enough, cause I just want this to end.

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is I run from God and Gil, Giles and Wes
Consequences it's easier that way
Oh God, don’t make me face up to this I never want to have to call and face it
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Cause I know that I let you down I hate letting all of you down
And I don’t want to deal with that

It just now hit me this is more than just a set back
And when you spelled it out, well, I guess I didn’t get that
And every trace of momentum is gone the momentum waxes and wanes and
And this isn’t turning out the way I want seems to disappear

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don’t want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I’m sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

And I spent all last night So often it seems that I spend all my time
Tearing down destroying what I build
Every stoplight So often I feel like all I am doing
And stop sign in this town is sabatogeing myself and I end up weighed
Now I think there might down, with what seems to be no way out.
Be no way to stop me now
I'll get away despite
The fact I’m so weighed down

All of my escapes have been exhausted Three weeks ago this is where I was
I thought I had a way but then I lost it no way out, exhausted
And my resistance was once much stronger all my strength evaporated, I couldn't go on
And I know I can't go on like this much longer and I knew that it was over.

When I got tired of running from you When I read this part I cried
I stopped right there to catch my breath cause again and again Jesus has used
There your words they caught my ears the story of the prodigal son in direct
You said, “I miss you son. Come home” relevance to me, through Steve,
And my sins, they watched me leave and my own reading, through sermons
And in my heart I so believed and now this song and I can't deny that He
The love you felt for me was mine is speaking once again to me, calling me home.
The love I’d wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed My prayer is tomorrow night my sins will watch
I heard no I told so’s me leave and I will feel the love for me as mine
I said the words I knew you knew that I will hear no I told you so's
Oh God, Oh God I needed you That all my parts will be able to say "God I
God all this time I needed you, I needed you need You, all this time, I need just You."

Christopher is Three!!!!

2008-07-07T00:47:00.001-04:00

Dearest Christopher. . .

2008-07-06T23:23:00.000-04:00

My dearest Christopher,

Another year has gone by and you are growing up so fast. It is hard to believe that you are three now, especially when I look at pictures of you when you were born, so very tiny, so very sweet, perfect in every way. Now every day you learn new words and new phrases, you run faster, you get into more, and your personality develops more and more. We see hues, textures, colors and shapes of who you are and of you will become.

These are the special things about you and our family that I remember from this year that have happened. The biggest change has been that as a family we moved from Green Gables to a rented property in Narnia land. I haven't really come up with a name yet so hopefully as my writing voice continues to develop and my imagination begins to take root and soar once again the name that is this house will reveal itself to me.

You didn't really notice the move other than you have enjoyed the new house. You love the long hall way and running up and down it as fast as your feet can carry you. You love the shutters that let you peer outside to enjoy the sunshine and the nature that is more visible to us in this house. You have loved going outside in the back-yard and playing loudly on the swing-set and even in the neighbors yard on their swing-set. You gained access to this swing-set by batting your long lashes at the neighbors through their yard. You also love the neighbors especially Dennis, you often enjoy going out to the front yard or back yard to chat with him as he gardens. To tell the truth he and Julie have fallen in love with you, as lots of people do.

You also got to meet and spend lots of time with your Aunt and Uncle who are usually in Indonesia and so we don't get to see them often. You are the only boy cousin on that side of the family so you are seen as special and Johnny and Paige scoop you up whenever they get a chance. I don't blame them you are awfully cute. Your blond curly hair and hazel eyes, with really long lashes.

You know you're cute though and often bat those long lashes at anyone that looks at you. You don't think we notice but we do. You often employ those lashes to get your sisters to do your bidding, and foolishly they comply. They will let you play with things or mooch food from them, or even give you extra kisses and hugs all because of your long lashes and that little voice that begs please.

The one biggest change in your life has been a result of a change in our family dynamics, what I mean by that is that last September Frances started school. Until then you had been used to having her around all the time. In fact you two were beginning to drive each other insane, teasing and always wanting to play with the exact same toy. However with her at school every other day you began to miss her. Until then she was an annoyance to you, but now the days she is home you are happier and you follow her everywhere she goes, you flood her with hugs and kisses and often your little voice rings through the halls "Fances where are ouuu?" As you search for her who is looking for alone time.

I have enjoyed seeing this side of you and seeing you two develop a friendship, a kinship, I see you two developing a close relationship and that brings joy to a mother. I love it when you go up to her and just out of the blue hug her. You love cuddling on the couch with her and sometimes she protests but more often than not she cuddles right back because she adores your too.

You have always seen Jessica as another parent because she is that much older and that has continued. If Daddy or I say no to you, you often will try to do an end run around us to her in hopes of getting what you want, but luckily for us she does not often comply. She loves you a lot and loves doting on you. Elizabeth and you have always had a close relationship and that has continued and strengthened, she has always felt a close affinity to you because you both share the blond hair gene.

You are definitely a boy you love all things with wheels and detest "girl toys", you like figuring out how things operate, and you usually try aggression first to solve your disputes. The past few months have been a bit trying for your dad and I as you have found your "no" voice and use it quite often now to assert your authority, as a result you have also learned what time-out means and you are beginning to learn that yelling, hitting and attempting to get your way through arguing will not be tolerated. I know it's a tough life.

It's been a year of firsts for you too, your first sentences are coming out now, you had your first visit to the fair, your first time on a carousal, your first trip to the LBP picnic, even your first time in Church. My very favorite first though is your first ice-cream cone. You were so funny because at first you weren't sure even how to eat it. Then for some strange reason you preferred to try to use your finger to scoop out some ice-cream as opposed to using your tongue. You made quite the mess and I had to get a towel to use as a large bib to try to keep you clean and as you can see from the picture that did not work out too well. What is also amusing to me is that as soon as you decided you were finished you wanted to be clean, you wanted your face wiped and especially your hands clean, you never have enjoyed being dirty. In fact you are neater and tidier than any of your older sisters which is unexpected but appreciated.

For your birthday both your grandparents, Grandma and Grandpa Bill and Grandma and Grandpa Byrne came over and we had an awesome party for you. You loved every minute of it and that is what made it a special day for me. I loved being able to give you a party that brought such joy to you. You were also so polite again thanking me at every turn. When I brought the presents out, when I helped you get your loot from the pinata , when I put your cake in front of you, when I gave you your piece, when I helped you get the cars out of the package, when we gave you your truck to take up to bed like it was a stuffed animal. You were so thankful and joyful and that was an awesome gift to me. So thank-you Christopher. I am glad you are my little boy. I love you so much and even though I don't think I could love you more I do find that every day I love you more than the day before.

I love your smile, your laugh, the way you giggle. I love the way your eyes light up when you are around your dad. In this last picture you are holding your favorite truck and looking at your dad and you can see the love in your eyes. I love the way you love music and singing and often sing along with the videos. I love the way you love your sisters, the way you hug them and the way you cuddle with them. The way you say each of their names, the way you say "right?" at the end of each sentence you try to form. I love the way you run, the car noises, yes even the siren noises you make when you play with your cars. I love the way you bat your eyes at me when you are trying to be sneaky, I love the way you sit on my lap, the way you wrestle with me and let me tousle your hair. Quite simply my little man, I love YOU and every little thing about you.

Homesick. . .

2008-06-26T20:27:00.000-04:00

It's the feeling that washes over every missionary kid at some point, the longing for home, the land of your youth even though it is not the land of your birth. It is this land that beats with your heart, this land that breathes air into your lungs, this land that captures your mind and soul and lets your spirit dance. For me this land is Indonesia, the land of beautiful smiles, humble gentle hearts, the land that for me represents beauty and peace. It's flag is simple red and white and yet I feel the stirrings of my heart and the National Anthem reverberating in my head when I see it before me. I have been away for far too long, it has been 17 years since my feet touched the soil of my heart, since my eyes took in the feast of beauty that is Indonesia, since my skin felt the dew of humidity on my skin and felt that same humid air take my breath away, since my lips tasted the sweet Salak and sampled the Durian despite the warnings from my nose, since my ears heard the crickets sing, and hear the language like music rolling off their tongues, and since my soul danced with worship just to be part of this land. It has been too long, and my very heart aches and breaks with longing; I am green with envy for my sister who gets to go back in a few months.

I long to shop in the markets, to barter with the best of them and to see how shocked they are when a white girl with strawberry blond hair and a million freckles knows how to barter, and will not be taken; their native language flowing from my tongue as easily as theirs. I long to see the twinkle in their eyes as we pass that knowing smile of a joke between us that no one else understands, the joke of a kindred spirit. They are a beautiful people, a people with humble generous hearts, a people who love life, and laughter and who love to tease, a people who live simply with grace, in peace.

I miss long beaches and playing in the sand for the whole day. Going home with a sunburn face, blonder hair, and a face full of freckles, tired and exhausted from a day of swimming, shell hunting and castle building. I miss waiting for the sunset on the beach, the clouds turning pink, purple and the sun turning a deep orange and finally a deep red as it sinks into the horizon. I always felt it was like God lifted a corner of the veil that hides the glory of heaven from our mortal eyes to give us a glimpse of the beauty that lies ahead for us if we persevere in faith.

I miss the blue/purple mountains in the distance like watchful giants you could figure out where you were in the land from where the mountains were. They peak out around the clouds and the clouds surround them like a beautiful painting. Wherever you go, whatever island you are on it is always like a painting set up before you, you take more pictures than you ever even thought possible because beauty lies all around you. The beach, the clouds, the mountains, the fishing boats dotting the horizon is only one of many scenes that play out before you, causing you to stand in awe of the Great God who created such diversity and beauty for us to feast on.

I miss the rice paddies that stretch as far as the eye can see. My house was situated on a hill that overlooked rice paddies and every day I spent some time gazing down at the paddies below me, watching the farmers working the fields, watching the sun set over them. They were in a sense in my back-yard and more in tune with my heart that the landscape of suburbia that is the North American scene to look behind and just see fences, stores and more back-yards. There you could inhale the sights and smells, languish in the sound of nature that is all around you. The paddies, mountains, beaches, the star filled nights, and bright blue skies, the world at your feet teeming with life, as Anne would say, "so much scope for the imagination".

I miss my homeland, I miss the fruit the smells of the market(fish), the beauty all around I miss my homeland. It's hard to accept that I may never return and see this land laid out before me again, or have a chance to delight in the delicacies laid out before me. I love rice even rice three times a day, fried curried chicken, curried beef, fried bananas, Salak, Durian, Go-Fu, the list is endless and my stomach growls grumpily as I let my imagination soar with the dreams of the feasts that I miss so much.

This is my house, the shutters that were green are now Blue and although it is a small house, tears come to my eyes and I remember all the joy that I experienced there. All that I was taught and come to know, the laughter, the cement driveway my parents put in just so we would have somewhere to roller-skate, the red jeep(the only red jeep at the time on the island), the beatuiful people, the peaceful nights, I am homesick tonight, I am aching to be back where I belong or to find a new belonging but after 25 years it is just a dream. Maybe my mansion in the sky will be in the Indonesian part of Heaven.

This is my front yard. I always walked that path on my way to school everyday. The flood this brings back is indescribable.

Jessica as a cute baby. . and now a tempermental tween.

2008-06-18T21:56:00.000-04:00

A Frump. . .

2008-06-18T20:14:00.000-04:00

Well Jessica is growing up, sigh. She was such a cute baby, such a sweet little girl and now such a smart and brave tween. At the moment she is over the moon that her school is having a dance on Friday night for grade six and up which means she can go and I have never seen her so excited. I tried to play the evil parent and say that she couldn't go but I couldn't keep up the charade.

Then there was yesterday when I heard her and Gil having an argument that I didn't expect to hear so soon. It was like a scene from the show 8 Simple Rules to Dating my Teen-age Daughter, it went something like this;
"you are not wearing that to school!"
"yes I am."
"no you are not!"
"Why????"
"Because it is not appropriate to wear that out of the house"
"Why???"
"Because that is something you wear around inside the house."
"not it's not."
"Yes it is and you are not leaving the house wearing that."
"Yes I am!!!"
"NO YOU ARE NOT!"
"But that's the only thing I wanted to wear."
"I'm sorry you will have to find something else."
"FINE I'LL JUST GO LOOKING LIKE A FRUMP THEN!"

At this point I am upstairs trying to figure out what on earth she could be wearing to create such a stir since Gil NEVER notices what they wear, and I have to control myself from bursting out laughing because what the heck is a "frump"? So I gingerly make my way downstairs into the war zone, happy that it is not a war between Jess and I but that for once Gil is the bad, over-reactive parent. She is sitting on the stairs now in nice white pants and a giant rust colored hoodie. The hood pulled over her head to hide her scowl as she glared around her. The cloud of rain over her head reminding me of Eeyore in the hundred acre wood on his worst days.

So I casually ask what's going on as if I haven't heard the tale already word for word from my boudoir. She begins with saying "Daddy wants me to go to school looking like a frump!" She then further explains in the tersest of words and with as much drama as you would expect from a hormonal teen-ager and not the pre-teen that she is, that she had started her day with a tank top/tube top combination. The tube top being a top that her cousin Rose no longer fit in and had given her but then discovered that it was way too big and there were not enough pins in the world to hold it up,(again on the inside I am rolling around laughing trying to imagine that outfit because she really has nothing to put in any tube top and the thought that she would try to strikes me as hilarious.) so she further explained that the next combination she came up with was a dressy pink lace robe with gold stitching over her tank top since they are not allowed just to wear tanks at school.

Well to Gil's credit it does look sort of like lingerie and I know that must be what went through his head at first but it isn't. It's an Indonesian dress robe that a young girl would wear over a tank dress or dress up outfit in Indonesia because the fabric is airy and would keep the girls cool yet at the same time maintain a level of modesty. Bare arms on young girls in a Muslim nation is usually frowned upon. So although here it may look revealing, in a different culture it's the opposite, and it was given to Jessica and Elizabeth from her other cousins from Indonesia since they have out-grown it.

Once I see it I understand her father's concern and so begin to explain to him that it isn't lingerie, etc. So then it's decided if she wants she can wear it, then she says "well what if people DO think it's lingerie?" Now the real test of a parent. I can't promise no one will think it is or isn't, I have not idea what pre-teens think is cool and I don't even want to guess. So I say well take the hoodie and if people bug you then you can change if you want. When she returned from school I was a quiver with curiosity as to the reaction from her peers and in typical Jessica fashion she responded, "yah they said it looked like lingerie, I told them it wasn't and it was an Indonesian dress robe and that was that!"

The Result!!!!

2008-06-17T01:13:00.000-04:00

The Hair Cut Cont. . .

2008-06-17T00:54:00.001-04:00

The Hair Cut

2008-06-17T00:51:00.000-04:00

More Than Useless. . .(RELIENT K)

2008-05-18T19:03:00.000-04:00

I feel like, I would like
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I'll admit here, while I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

What's the purpose? It feels worthless
So unwanted like I've lost all my value
I can't find it, not in the least bit
and I'm just scared, so scared that I'll fail you

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

So I say if I can't, do something significant
I'll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
And nothing trivial, that life could give me will
Measure up to what might have replaced it

Too late look, my date book
Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone
And I bet, that regret
Will prove to get me to improve in the long run

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I notice, I know this
Week is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent it, I spent it
Convincing myself the world's doing just fine
Without me
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my time , it's my life
And my right, to use it like I should
Like he would, for the good
Of everything that I would ever know

Awash in His delight. . .

2008-04-16T13:39:00.000-04:00

My church bulletin reminded me this week that God delights in us. It is such a strange thought to try to comprehend, that an awesome powerful God can delight in us, when we are so flawed and fragile. Yet as we delight in our children despite their imperfections so our Father delights in us. This and some other wonderful things that have come my way lately reminded me of a poem I wrote this summer when God was pleased to give me a time when I could sense His delight. I named it Serenity because when you can sense His love his way, all it can do is leave your soul completely at peace and serene.

Serenity

Yesterday You tickled my fingers with Your sunshine
Today You tickled them with Your rain
Tonight my heart flew to You in worship
My feet danced before You without pain.
Tomorrow I'll be still in Your presence
I'll let Your wind play with my hair,
but now my Dear Sweet Jesus
meet me in my dreams somewhere.

Temporary Fillings. . .

2008-03-26T03:28:00.000-04:00

Well I am still here and somehow still breathing. To continue reading be aware that viewer discretions is advised, this blog is not meant for those who are faint-hearted, those who only wish to read happy stories, or those who do not wish to take a trip into the disturbed psyche. Some may find this content discouraging, negative, dark, disturbing, and could trigger feelings of unhappiness so proceed only at your own risk.

I was finally was able to make it to the dentist for some much overdue work, and so three fillings and a root canal later I am sitting here wishing it was all over and knowing that there is more still ahead. I have at least four appointments left to go to finish repairing my teeth and although physical pain is never fun somehow I wish that emotionally I was in the same boat. I wish I could say in four therapy appointments I will be done, I wish I could even see the end of this road. I can't, I thought I found the end when I was baptized and was surprised and now I am beginning to believe the end will never come.

I am questioning my faith, I am wondering where God is in all this misery. My core is being tested in ways I didn't think even possible, and I just don't know if any of this is worth it anymore. I am sitting here at 3:30 in the morning staring into a computer' that lately has become my best friend, tears flowing freely because I am alone and there is no need to pretend or put on a fake smile right now, at least not for a few more hours. I am sitting here alone like I have been for the past few nights in the quiet of the early morning wondering what happened to my life, the plans and dreams I had for my life, and how did I ever let myself get here.

I was a girl who planned to write, to live, to travel, to act, to sing and to dance, and I find myself unable even to leave the house for the most mundane tasks. I had a strong faith that I didn't think could be shaken and yet it was and is, and I find myself doubting again and again my own salvation, and even now God's existence and knowing that if He does exist He must be disappointed in me right now.

I can't write my story's anymore, my journal stays empty and even this blog I have avoided until lately. I can't relate to people I used to relate too, my friends have disappeared into the ether and I feel so very alone, confused and disappointed with life.

Since most of you don't know Gil and I lost Green Gables. We had our home foreclosed on and now we are renting a house in a different part of the city. It's a nice house, it's laid out better than Green Gables was, the children like it, everyone has adjusted well, everyone that is but me.

I am a missionary kid who spent most of her life moving around and around and never having a home, then the first home I find, I proceed to lose. I always swore I would never force the lifestyle of moving around on my kids and yet in many ways I am doing just that. It's shelter, it's warmth, it's dry, and for that I should be grateful. There are so many who don't even have that, but it's not a home. It's not my home. I feel uprooted and I find myself wondering if I will ever find a home or a place where I belong.

I know my homeland is not a place I can ever go back too, and visiting seems like it will never be an option either (financially we just can't do it) even though I would love for my kids to see my real homeland, and I had made peace with where we were and no matter how brave I try to be, or what kind of face I try to put on it I cannot make peace with where I am now.

So many people helped with the move and I feel so guilty that I can't just smarten up and be happy. So many invested time, hard work, money and even more hard work, so many are still putting in time, sweat, prayer, and tears into getting me better and I feel so ashamed that it is all amounting to nothing. I feel so ashamed that I am failing and wasting everyone's time.

I feel that just as the dentist put a temporary filling in today, one that will wear away and fall apart within a week, that that is all that has happened with me. I got a temporary filling that masked the giant cavity within. A temporary fix that I thought was more, but the decay was hidden underneath, the infection still ran rampant through my blood-steam, the cavity just grows more infected and harder to repair. Now the filling is breaking away and all that is left is filth, rot and decay. I have become a giant empty hole that can't be repaired only extracted.

Diffiult. . .

2008-03-23T02:50:00.000-04:00

Well life has been hard and so I have avoided blogging, writing, reading actually my whole existence has been about avoidance lately. I cannot seem to write what I really feel, I cannot seem to say what I mean, I cannot seem to get my bearings or find my voice. I feel like I have stepped into the twilight zone and now I am living in an alternate reality. Nothing is as it was, and nothing is me. I am different on so many levels. I have lost much, and right now I cannot seems to see what if anything I have gained. I am discouraged, disillusioned, and despondent. I feel like a Missionary Kid all over again, living in strange surroundings, with strangers trying to figure out who I am and who people want me to be. I feel at odds with my Maker, at odds with my friends, at odds with my family, at odds with my system and plainly I just feel odd. Jessica would say that I am odd and I would have to agree. I do not know who I am when I look in the mirror. I do not like what I see and I wish I could go back and be something else, someone else, somewhere else. Much has happened since I blogged and I will at some point take time to catch everyone up but right now I just needed to vent somewhere. Many are tired of hearing where I am because I never move forward and I never get better and I never seem to advance, but I am where I am and it will not change, not even miracles can reach me.

I am so very lonely and alone, , ,

2008-03-04T01:34:00.000-05:00

More Lyrics From Blue October---from the song Angel.

How do you tell an angel
That you don't believe in God?
Why do I feel
Like such a stranger
I look around
I look around
And all my friends are gone

How do you hold the special victim?
When they push you away
When they've been
Raped on the inside
Torn on the outside
The dirt and ugly from the stain that they try to hide
Touched in private places
Embarrassed faces
To scared to ask for help

2007-11-24T17:53:00.000-05:00

2007-11-24T17:52:00.000-05:00

2007-11-24T17:51:00.000-05:00

2007-11-23T01:18:00.001-05:00

Please Daddy Let Me In

2007-11-23T01:17:00.001-05:00

Christopher is not too sure about this white stuff. . .

2007-11-23T01:14:00.001-05:00

Enjoying the Snow Day

2007-11-23T01:11:00.001-05:00

Invisible. . .

2007-11-17T19:01:00.000-05:00

Hate Me
Blue October

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby girl I never was a woman
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

2007-11-03T21:54:00.001-04:00

Introducing SAWYER!!!!!!!

2007-11-03T21:47:00.001-04:00

So as most of you know I am not a dog person, I prefer cats that is until I met Dickens. He liked me till I brought Jessica home from the hospital and we have been enemies ever since. However he is still chummy with Gil and that has thwarted my efforts to be rid of this creature that bites my ankles at night and constantly plots my demise. Well when Christopher decided that Dickens was a puppy and proceeded to haul him around like one Dickens then made his displeasure known to him in a number of ways and well that secured the option of one day having a puppy and being rid of that darn cat. Enter Sawyer----introduced to us by kind Noelle and her puppy Sawyer's brother Dexter. So after some long discussions, three little girls with puppy eyes willing to give up Christmas money, one little boy with puppy eyes and well you see the puppy it wasn't long before Gil was putty in our hands and Sawyer was and is ours. Now I must be off to start fixing up his quarters before he arrives. His arrival date is next Friday and barring further complications with our van, green gables will have a new tenant.

Aren't I great?

2007-11-01T01:12:00.001-04:00

Jessica actually tried to get into the spirit by looking and acting depressed. Elizabeth's teacher decided that her costume was dangerous----apparently the pins I put in didn't impress her even though I had them positioned such that they would not cause harm. I am not an idiot. Frances on her adventures house to house declared to her dad when one lady tried to scare them, "I am not afraid of anything!!!!" Then at the next house the lady was sitting outside greeting the children and Frances went up to her and declared, "Aren't I great!!!!!!" Well at least her self-esteem is intact.

Ahoy matey!

2007-11-01T01:07:00.001-04:00

My little pirate. Boy did I have to fight him to get his costume on. Unlike his sisters he does not like playing dress up---who'll figure. The hat managed to stay on for the picture with some candy as bribery but then it came off never to go on again. According to Gil he lasted twenty minutes and then sat in the wagon the rest of the time. Of course his royal highness still did not miss out because the kind people would see him in the wagon and instruct his sisters to give him some candy as well. So he got to trick or treat and still get carried around, or wheeled around. I know the trick of not walking around too, but I always got up for candy---you have me beat on that one.

Halloween at Green Gables.

2007-11-01T01:02:00.001-04:00

Here are my girls. The pumpkin fairy, the goth and little Anne of Green Gables on their way to school. I actually dyed Jessica's hair twice. Once last night to the color blond(originally she wanted to be Avril Lavigne) then this morning to midnight black because the blond didn't take. Elizabeth allowed me to curl her hair, and I discovered that she has eye-lashes all girls dream of. They are long up to her eye-brow and they already are naturally thick and curl. That is before mascara is applied. I have to work long and hard to make my eye-lashes do that and even then it doesn't work right.

October Twenty-first.

2007-10-20T21:36:00.000-04:00

Others
Callously Carelessly
Tease, and Tear.
Others
Blacken, Blemish
Endless Evil, Endless
Rape

Tearing, Taking,
Whipping, Waking
Endless, Eventually
Numbing, Never Normal. . .Numb
Taking Tomorrows, Taking
Years. Your Years, Your Youth.
------

Father, Friend, and Future
Infinite Immanuel
Redeeming Rescuer; Rescue
Search, Save! Saving
Tomorrow. . . .Saving Today.

2007-10-04T02:20:00.001-04:00

Today My Heart Screams I am FREE!!!!1

2007-09-26T23:06:00.000-04:00

This is what I will be saying on Sunday for those of you who cannot make it.

Some back-ground first. . ."I grew up in a Christian home we were baptist missionaries stationed overseas on an island in Indonesia called Sulawesi. I accepted Jesus into my life at the age of six and quickly grew in my faith, but upon returning to Canada, along with the typical teen struggles and the adjustment issues one experiences as an MK, I lost my way. I began to believe a lie that I was not saved, not part of the Kingdom of God. However God is a God of grace who seeks out His lost sheep so He did not let me go but continued to reach out to me.

He gave me a patient wonderful husband, counselors and friends who are warriors in prayer, parents, sisters, and in-laws who are loyal, patient, forgiving and who were determined not to give up on that which I had already given up on---me. Then He gave me the gift of four wonderful, healthy, smart children, because of these four gifts I knew I had to try to find Him again so I called out and He answered.

You see, after Frances was born I experienced severe depression and that along with other complicating factors led me to become very agoraphobic, afraid to leave the house. I found it difficult to cope with even the most basic day to day tasks and in a very real way Glenn became tasked with the kids, and the house as well as running his own business. For me leaving the house just to do a grocery run was virtually impossible and just the thought of socializing or going to church would result in a full fledge panic attack. It was because of this that as a family we became clustered inside ourselves, our household became chaotic, and Glenn began to burn out.

Then God intervened through Pastor Steve from Community Bible Church in Aurora. It was three years ago almost to the day when Pastor Steve stepped into my life and put me on the path back to God. He told me that day, that God was closer to me than my very next breath, and that he believed God was calling me home. He reminded me of the story of the prodigal son, and asked me to let him help me take the next step back home to my Father. I was scared, I still didn't believe that God wanted me but I agreed. He put me in touch with David Klauke, who then together with Byron began to help me put the past and the lies of the past to rest so that I could begin to live in Jesus' truth.

Glenn and I began to change and rely on God instead of ourselves and my courage began to grow. I was discovering love and acceptance for the first time. I began to re-discover the Jesus of my youth, began to learn anew how to hear Jesus' voice; to be able to separate the lies from truth. I knew it was now time to begin to trust others.

It wasn't long after reaching that conclusion that Byron introduced me to Peggy and Andy. It had literally been years since I had been around people so this step was a real challenge for me. However Peggy and Andy were so welcoming, loving and accepting of me without any questions that it wasn't too long before I felt at home with them.

The next challenge wasn't far behind, and it presented itself in the form of a group of young girls who wanted to be like Jesus to someone else.; to show His love by ministering to someone in the community by being a cup of refreshing water to someone in need, and David knowing how overwhelming the house had become, suggested they might be able to help us out in some way. I had known for some time that Jesus had been asking me to step out of my comfort zone, to lean on Him and let Him provide for me. It was easier said than done and I was terrified of letting anyone in to see how bad things were for us, I was afraid of judgment and rejection all things I have experienced before but I knew that I had to trust that God knew what He was doing and let Him provide for me. There is much grace needed to give, and now I know much grace needed to receive as well and let the body of Christ minister to you. I knew that Jesus wanted to work in our lives through the gift of others and I needed to trust Him, let go and just breath.

It sounds simple but it was the hardest decision I have ever made. To let people in when all my life I have worked so hard to keep people out. I was concerned I would become over-whelmed if I actually let them in our house so instead we sat outside and sorted all the shoes and coats; organizing this helped us determine what shoes and coats I needed for the kids, what I had lots of and that helped organize our front walk way and our closet. Once that was determined the girls packed up what was left and took it to goodwill.

My kids were ecstatic when the girls came over and provided much needed comic relief while I continued to focus on breathing. I'm not sure how, but somehow this group of girls snuck past me into the kitchen and did some organizing and cleaning in there as well. The spirit of love these girls displayed to my family helped me to begin to see God's love and acceptance, His desire to work in our family and His determination not to just let me go. The passage in Romans where Paul talks about nothing being able to separate us from the love of God and God was showing me the reality of this. He wasn't letting me walk away without a fight.

The next challenge presented itself through Byron who told us a cell group wanted to come and help us outside the house. They said only two were coming to do some maintenance outside but that first night there were alot more than two. I wasn't brave enough to go out and greet them myself, instead I just peeked out windows and tried to keep breathing. I could hear Elizabeth in the front commenting to someone how much she loved the color of her work gloves and when I came downstairs all the blinds had been shut. I asked Glenn if he had done this assuming that He had done this to help me feel more at ease while the people worked outside but he told me it had been Jessica because she didn't want us to see what was happening so we could be surprised. After they left she eagerly took us outside to display all the changes.

I was amazed at how much they were able to complete and I was overwhelmed. It was so strange that people I didn't know, from a church we didn't attend would care so much and go out of their way to help. It started off a summer of Tuesday night fun when "the lawn people" as you all became affectionately known in our house would come and work outside. They painted the garage door, the outside doors the windows, they cleaned up all the overgrown foliage, they also brought a play center the Stewarts donated because their kids had outgrown it and they went the extra mile and built a sandbox underneath. Glenn and I had talked about a play-center but we knew it would never be something we could afford and so it was like a dream come true. Our kids live outside now regaling our neighbors with their laughter, giggles and their altercations. Jessica had been at camp when it first arrived so when she returned home and saw it she too was brought to tears.

I have often this summer found myself weeping at the love and generosity people have shown us. I have been in awe of this church and these two cell groups enabled me to trust again. To see that God wants to bless me, that God loves me and that I am His daughter. He has never deserted or abandoned me even when I thought He had, He has been working to bring me home and set me free.

Theres a couple of lines from a song from the Newsboys I'd like to end with it's called "I am free" The lines are "Through You the darkness flees, through You my heart screams I am free. I am free to run, I am free to dance, I am free to live for You I am free! Through You the kingdom comes, through You the battle's won, through You I'm not afraid through You the price is paid, through You there's victory because of You my heart screams I am free."

Today my heart is screaming I am free.

Where the heck have I been?

2007-09-25T04:00:00.000-04:00

Well I have not posted in forever. Really life has been too busy and at times so much was happening at once that I couldn't figure out even where to start a new entry. I kept thinking that if I did start a new entry that it would take forever to catch everyone up and I just couldn't bear the thought of it.

Since my last post in January a lot of things have happened. The kids have ended school and started school. The winter has ended, the spring has sprung past, the summer has come and gone(although it still feels like summer out), and now fall is approaching.

As a family we have celebrated the second birthday of Christopher, the fourth birthday of Frances and we are now approaching my well, my next birthday. Jessica has gone to camp and come home again, Elizabeth has experienced her first week at camp, and Frances has now started JK.

My sister has returned from Indonesia with her husband and children. We have enjoyed a wonderful time of re-connecting, I have re-connected with old friends through face book, re-connected with my favorite pastor of all time, my first boyfriend, the first boy who truly loved me for everything I was and am, and still does, a friend who only had one kid who now has two, and an old friend who had no kids and now has two. I have in short become addicted to facebook. It is so cool to hear from people you haven't seen or heard from in forever.

We have had changes to the house, the garage got cleaned out and we filled an entire huge bin with garbage. The bedroom is completely different, new furniture, new draperies, new bed, clean clean bedroom. Now we only have to paint. Cordelia, Blythe, and Oz got makeovers. Our entire garden and lawn got cleaned up, we have a new play-center in our backyard donated by the church, and they built in a sand-box to boot for our children to enjoy.

Now we are attending a new Church, making new friends and I am getting baptized. I am starting again at 37, too long I have wasted in the never ending question of who I am, and now I know I don't plan to waste a single day away. It is over! Finished! The past can finally now(of course after the actual baptism where I may have to talk a little about it), be just that the past. My history and never again my present or future. I won't let it be, I choose to live for Jesus and let him take everything else away.

Aspirations. . .

2007-01-29T17:43:00.000-05:00

Someone told me to write about my aspirations for the coming year instead of my goals. I don't really know what the difference is between aspirations and goals except maybe just the way that they are worded.

So what are my aspirations to have a nice house, a house that is warm and inviting. A house our children don't need to be ashamed of and a house that I wouldn't have trouble inviting anyone into.

I want my family to be full of joy and love for each other and life. To always be trying new ways to grow as people and find their own purpose, a family that will constantly amaze and endear me that I will never be ashamed of. A family that does things together like eat at the kitchen table, or go on trips, vacations, walks to the park. A family where we all want what is best for everyone else in the family and seek to do what we can as individuals to bring that to the table. I want a family that wants to help others. I want to be the house that all the neighborhood gang hand out in.

I desperately want to be healthy. Not to have one or two good days a month but to have one or two bad days a month. I don't want my kids worrying that I have taken a turn for the worse if I sleep in one day. I don't want to be a mother who is unable to be 100% there for her children at all times. I want to be a mother they can rely on to fix their cloths, help with school, prepare food, teach them responsibility, take them on trips or walks, a mother they can come to when they reach those points in their life where they are struggeling to keep their head above water. I want to be a mother who brings joy and love to her family, not chaos, strife and misery.

I want to help my children find and fulfill their purpose, their passion. To be able to help them see it clearly and help them find ways to fulfill it. I want them to be able to come to me with their tears and broken hearts when everything seems wrong instead of being afraid of me.

I want to be able to have dreams, passions and a purpose of my own that doesn't include just being able to get up in the morning or just surviving another day; when 24 hours seems to short a time to finish what I want to instead of to long a time to just survive.

I want to laugh like I used to laugh and feel pretty. I want to go on dates with my sweetheart and dance and sing like we were kids again instead of spending every waking second discussing how to survive the next 24 hours without a mental breakdown of some kind.I don't want to be afraid of life anymore, or people, I want to be able to embrace it in it's fullness and race into it full of hope and joy. I want to find joy again.

I want to rediscover my God and my relationship with Him. I want to feel His blessing on my life and feel full of the Holy Spirit. I want to know Him better than I know myself and be confident in the decisions that I make where God is concerned. I want to serve Him with my body, soul, and spirit, and minister to others who are broken and bring healing to them.

I want to be able to help others find their peace with their Maker, and know their Creator. I want to help others find the joy that I know and seek as well. I also want to be able to move forward in His will, my heart in His hand with all knowledge that as He goes before me, He will protect me and the ones I love, He will guide us and lead us into His purpose and plan.

2007-01-13T13:59:00.000-05:00

He is soooo cute!

2007-01-13T13:57:00.000-05:00

Every Christmas her hats get stranger and stranger!

Amazing Love. . .

2006-12-02T02:00:00.000-05:00

It is amazing to me how much God answers prayers and sometimes through our dumbest mistakes. Gil went up to see my parents a couple of week-ends ago. The kids had gone up and spent the night at their house, eating ice-cream and swinging on the chandeliers, and so he was picking them up. Truth be told I had promised to go on this adventure as well but for reasons still complex and unknown to me I paniced as the time drew close. So I didnt' go and spent some alone time here.

Well needless to say my mother was pissed. There really is no other way to describe it. She managed to get through dinner with only a few comments but Gil knew what was in the wind. He tried to escape to find shelter as quickly as possible but Hurricane Bertha was moving in quickly. Unfortunately he did not make it in time. As Susie held the chidren safely on the roof, he battled the hot air, winds and rising floods of emotion (dumping his own two bucketfuls in) that are my parents. In the chaos of such an event, considering all three are personalities that tend to bottle things up inside until a straw breaks their back and an explosion ensues, (however that usually results in a cease-fire and a time of peace and tranquility while everyone goes to the corner, licks their wounds and reasesses the situation), well apparently each of said member of the family was at the breaking point which resulted in a category 5 hurricane (Gil and Bertha) being classified as two in one since they both explode with a force unknown to man. Because of this chaos at the end Gil had spilled secrets of my life that I never had wanted them to know, they had gone into lapses of denial, tears, guilt, denial and then anger that he told them to begin with.

When he came home Jessica did inform me a huge discussion had taken place in which all children were sent outside. Or were all children inside and the real grown-ups outside? I haven't quite decided. So I knew something was up when Gil gingerly sat in front of me to tell me that he had something to tell me that I might not like. He was right, I was furious at him, and then furious at my mom for provoking him, furious at myself that I had such damaging secrets, furious and then devestated which is where I have remained as of late.

However this "bomb" of sorts which is how my sister described the aftermath, caused my parent's eyes to finally open. They have been living in denial about how bad my situation here is, and how much pain my family is in. So they went to counselling and worked some stuff out and now are willing to try to work stuff out with me too and try to come along side in the healing process. I never thought that would ever happen. I thought I could keep myself under raps until judgement day and then I have been hoping and praying that like Aslan did with Edmund, Jesus would take me aside quietly and rebuke me and my family would never need to know.

So I am still coping with them knowing, but I am also realizing that God works even in hurricanes and bombs of emotion to bring good and healing to His sheep and even more important I am realizing that I am truly one of His sheep.

Davey,

2006-11-29T02:00:00.000-05:00

I hope I don't embarrass you too much, but I always was the romantic mushy one. I have been so pleased to read your e-mails and catch up with you. Your son is sooo cute, it's a great name you picked out for him too, I really like that name.

I have missed you my friend more than any words can describe. Since we parted ways I have gone down roads of pain that aren't even describable and roads of joy that eclipse the most beautiful sunsets. All of my children are healthy, smart (too smart) and beautiful. My hubby is good to me -- a nerd. I always go for the nerds don't I -- well except for that Mike mistake, but we won't go there.

Gil has been very patient with me through these battles that have become almost unbearable. I live in a suburb north of Toronto, it's quiet and I don't have any friends in close proximity so often I begin to get lonely and to feel like the only chatter available to me is kid chatter which is one sure way to drive a person nuts.

I've traveled down some lovely paths and some paths that would bring you the darkest of nightmares. I still have my faith, and it keeps me alive and although I don't think a blog or even an e-mail could explain all to you, I do think we should talk sometime because it sounds like life has led you down a few roads too. I still think of you often, and miss your presence in my life. Thank-you for seeing something in me I never did see, something I couldn't see but because you saw it I was able to keep going. Thank-you for allowing me to feel innocent and beautiful, thank-you for the privilege of being your VERY first love.

RLS. . .

2006-11-17T20:00:00.000-05:00

My life gets stranger and yet better every day. I have discovered much to my amazement that I have RLS, or Restless Leg Syndrome. What is restless Leg Syndrome, well apparently it is what I have called foot-pain.

Now let me explain further, I have had an issue that I have had ever since I can remember with pain the the bottom of my feet. It feels like you are about to get a charlie horse, or like they are constantly being tickled to the point of pain. So my feet are constantly tense, feeling like they are cramping and I find myself moving them and moving them throughout the night to try to get comfortable. It has kept me awake at night. I cannot sleep and twist and turn all night. Sometimes it is so bad I just give up and walk around in order to make myself feel better, and sometimes it makes me startle awake if I have finally fallen asleep.

Well with four children you can imagine what a irritant this has been. I am so over-tired all the time I dissolve into tears in seconds. My doctor started prescribing sedatives that are supposed to be helping this process but I found myself taking more and more because it was still not effective in getting me to sleep. Then when I finally would fall asleep I would be very tired the next day or be unable to awake in the day and then Gil was up a creek without a paddle where the business is concerned.

So last week at the doctor's office I was discussing with him again the situation and saying I don't want to keep taking heavier and heavier narcotics. I want just to fall asleep and I can't no matter what relaxation techniques I have tried and what other systems I have put into place. So he delved in, "What exactly keeps you awake? Are you having flashbacks? Are you scared about the children? Are your thoughts racing? What is it exactly?

Well, to me it has been this awful pain in my feet. How do you explain it? I've always thought it must be a strange phenomenon that happens just to me, that is just in my head and isn't real. So I've never actually talked about it with anyone except Gil and Giles. So I take a deep breath and say "foot pain" and then give him the explanation above and what that feels like. He looks at me sort of comically and then says, "That's RLS, restless leg syndrome." How long have you had this problem. I'm like as far back as I can remember. In fact I don't recall not having foot pain, just not this severe.

He then begins to tell me that this is a nervous system disease that is akin to Parkinson's. It's not Parkinson's, nor does it mean you'll get Parkinson's, (in fact you probably won't), but this pain is not anxiety. He says it is one of the easiest things to fix. You take a very small dose of Parkinson's medicine and he says it will be like a light switch. Poof! The foot pain would be good and I probably would not even need the sedatives anymore. YIPEE!!

So I started that night and waited in high anticipation. However I still had issues falling asleep, however instead of not falling asleep at all, I did eventually fall asleep and when I fell asleep I slept like a baby. I didn't wake up startled, I didn't have bad dreams, so for the first time in forever I was able to wake up and actually be awake. I cannot tell you the level of joy that this has brought me. Instead of wandering around feeling only 20% awake or having so much trouble getting out of bed that I needed to consume large amounts of coffee, I actually just woke up.

I thought that maybe I just wasn't a morning person and it took me awhile to get moving. Apparently I was wrong I have never woken up so awake except at Christmas, or if something special was happening and on my wedding day. Even on those occasions it was more that I didn't really sleep at all because I was so excited about the event the next day.

I feel like I have woken up and it is a brand new world out there, and I like it.

Frances the Duck!!!

2006-11-09T01:00:00.000-05:00

Frances was given a coat the other day, a bright yellow rain-coat. As we were trying it on her I pulled the hood up and it is a duck face with "googly eyes" (Elizabeth phraseology), anyways I started to laugh and told he to go and look in the mirror. The delighted laughter and glee that proceeded from her was like nothing I've ever heard. She wanted to go outside right away but it was warm and sunny. I told her we would need to wait for a rainy day. Later passing by the front stairs there is Frances sitting patiently on the stairs holding her duck coat waiting for the rain. So today she was overjoyed by the dismal weather and spent most of the afternoon outside ---- quacking like a duck. I'm sure if you passed by green gables that is all you would have heard. Her helium voice and the top of her lungs -- quack quack, quack quack!!

Dearest Frances do you know how much joy you bring to your mommy everyday. I love you so much and I'm so glad you're my little girl. I will love you forever and ever thank-you for passing my way.