Buffy Verse. . .

Okay hold on to your hats, it's cryptic Buffy verse writing time. Tonight Gil and I are going into Sunnydale for training with my watcher and Wesly. It's a spur of the moment session brought on by much unrest in the system. However my skills as slayer are getting quite good, good reflexes, strength etc. so it's actually getting exciting. It's nice to see change and be able to say okay I am moving ahead even though sometimes I'm so impatient with myself that I demand better and in a sense shoot my self in the foot. Sometimes it's nice too just to have a watcher who understands you and your own tendencies, who can call it and say "you are looking too much ahead, or you are looking too much behind." I guess as in all things staying present in the here and now is the most important thing and the hardest.

So the past few days I have been going watching the Buffy series because it is so funny, and at times it speaks truth into my life and keeps me going and fighting the good fight. This is one of my favorite Buffy quotes. It's when she has just messed up really really badly and is feeling ashamed and disappointed in herself. So she projects these feelings and these judgements that she has on herself to Giles; assuming that he too must be feeling this way about her. So she asks (afraid of the answer), "You must be so disappointed in me?" Half question half statement. It must be so because she feels that way about herself so how can anyone else see things different. I know for me when I fail that is exactly where I go, to that place of shame and complete and utter disappointment in myself, and I assume that everyone around me must feel the exact same. However Giles' response is one that has been afforded to me through my own watcher as of late, a response that allows healing and growth and perspective. It is my favorite quote and it goes as follows:

"Do you want me to wag my finger at you and say you acted rashly? You did, and I can, but you couldn't have known what would happen. The next few months are going to be very hard, I suspect on all of us, but if you're looking for guilt I'm not your man. All you will get from me is my support. . . and my respect."

Sniff, weep, cry. When support is offered so unconditionally like that despite the rash things we do and allow to be done, despite the consequences that therefore may rain down upon us all and make all our lives more difficult, when respect and support are offered like this they truly become healing gifts that allow for growth. That allows slayers like me to keep up the patrol and keep taking down the bad guys and facing the demons of the night. It allows us to get up every day and take a breath and have hope that down the road we can offer such gifts to ourselves and others around us that find their way into our lives with a need of some healing. Because I have been called to a time to heal, but down the road I am envisioning a time that I can participate and help in someone else's time to heal. Just as we are given, we need to give.