Death. . .

It surprises me when you show up, unannounced and take your icy hands to claim a soul. It's like I forgot that you are an everyday presence and no one is safe. There was a time when I knew that, where I did not feel safe and knew your shadow well; You paced behind me daily and I could feel your cool breath on my neck. There were times you even got close enough that I needed to fight with all I had not to get pulled into your deep dark sleep, and surprisingly I managed to outpace you. I survived your constant stalking and you did not claim me, somehow I managed to outwit you. Then there were those years that I actively sought you out, with pills and razors and I became your stalker. We danced this tango of desire, yours for my breath--mine for eternal sleep and then life moved on and I forgot you. I forgot how truly vicious and and cowardly you are for you rarely claim the ones who seek you You prefer rather to sneak up and take the ones who want to stay and have so many reasons to stay. Ones whose lives leave an impact, who have a voice for good. Those are the ones you catch unaware and snatch before we can say good-bye, before they are finished. Cruel death you have struck again and 2018 has started on the bitterest of notes.

Lonliness

Loneliness is a hard thing. You can be in a crowded room and feel completely isolated, alone, invisible. I have grown up feeling invisible again and again and for awhile I thought I was free from this. Facebook and the like give you the illusion of being connected and in touch, but it's an illusion just the same. I don't know why I crave friendship and to be connected. I crave to be known and have people care, and have people have my back. I fool myself and say that these connections and community on facebook are real and that the ones in real life don't matter as much, but it's a lie and I am fooling myself. But the ones in real life don't exist. I don't have friends, I have contacts, people who see me and think they know me, but they don't, and they don't really want to. Loneliness is a terrible thing, it eats at you, erodes your heart and what happens to you inside--well it looks and feels like death. I have been lonely for most of my life and I thought I was free from this, but alas it was all an illusion in the end. You start to ponder who would come to your funeral, who would weep for you, because you're pretty sure you are so invisible that no one would see you leave. There are those that would say you are not invisible and they would say that you should not be feeling what you feel, and that they care, but they sit in front of you and don't recognize your cry's for help and they don't hear your anguish and they don't see the tears streaming down your face. They don't see it until it's too late and when they cry at the funeral, are they crying for you, because they miss you and they love you and your absence has left a dent in their hearts, or are they crying because they feel like it's the right thing to do, and maybe they feel some level of guilt that they were so blind. Swimming is a silent death they say, no one sees you struggling in the water and your struggle to stay afloat, the panic to breathe the air in and stay alive takes all your concentration and everything you have to try to survive and in the end you just sink like a stone and sometimes there's not even a ripple of where you went in. Loneliness is the same. You silently struggle to survive, you panic, you do everything you can to stay afloat to tread to gasp and you can't speak because all your energy is going into just surviving and then in the end you sink and there's not even a ripple to mark where you were.

Another Chapter . . .

Wasn't it just yesterday that you graduated grade 8. . .

Another chapter is here and you race forward with abandon. Anxious to test your wings, to fly high, to pursue your dreams. Another chapter is here and your future beckons you forward, and although there is some anxiety, there is more excitement and joy for what might be right around the corner. Another chapter here and you are called away from the nest, you are ready, you are strong, you have faith beneath you, family behind you, your love beside you, and you've learned so much, developed so much. You have grown so much, conquered so much, become so much. You are beautiful inside and out, strong and confident and in every way my fire child. Another chapter is here and I am not ready. . . but you are and that means despite how heart-broken I am, I have done my job as a Mom and when I look at you, your confidence, your poise, your grace, your faith---I know I have done well. I still remember when you came into our life, almost 19 years ago and they put you in my arms, this tiny little girl with black hair. I was so terrified, terrified of all the chapters that lay ahead. I was terrified of all the days before us, I felt ill prepared and was positive I was going to mess up and therefore mess you up. As I gaze into this new chapter once again I am terrified because you are so strong and so ready that you will never need to look back, you are ready to expand your wings take flight and climb to the highest of your dreams. You can climb, you can succeed, you have all it takes to be whatever you want, whatever He has called you to be, but I feel ill prepared once again, because now I face all the new chapters on the side lines, now I get to watch you reach your dreams and I am the cheerleader because you have all you need inside you. So fire-child, as you take flight remember your nest is always here, I will always have your back, and as you climb and fly and fight for your dreams and passions, don't forget to take those moments to soar and enjoy where you are, enjoy what you have accomplished and bask in His pleasure; you have listened to His calling and are using the gifts He put in you from the very start.

Twenty-One Years.

It's amazing to think that's we've been married now for 21 years, and I've known you for 23. Not amazing that it is this long long time that we have known each other, but rather that 23 doesn't seem so long. You see I feel like I have known you all my life, that you were there when I was knit together in my Mother's womb, that you were there as I gallivanted in the forests and beaches of Indonesia, that you were there with me as I climbed that mountain, led that youth group, was bullied and harassed, and yet you weren't. How is it you weren't when I feel like you have always been there? Is it because I feel like we have become one in so many ways it is hard now to find the spots where you end and I begin. I feel like my DNA stretches into yours so flawlessly, and your skin covers my own. You finish my sentences and I finish yours, we laugh at the same time and we weep together. You have been so many things to all my parts, you have been a father, supporter, brother, friend, lover, you have given all of yourself to all of me and all my parts so that I could find the peace that for years evaded me. There has been so much in our lives together that has not been fair, there has been so much in our lives that has been debilitating, hurtful, painful, there has been grief, heartbreak and brokenness, there have been times where we have both felt so lonely even though we were together, but there has also been grace, healing, ecstasy, joy and peace. It's the same with any relationship, any relationship worth having. It's hard and it's every day, but those moments of joy, those moments when our souls are so merged that we lose each ourselves in each other make all those other moments disappear as if they never happened. It all becomes worth it, it all makes sense, when I see myself as you see me, when I can give you a glimpse of who you are in my eyes, all the hard times fall into the ocean and only His purpose is left. On our small vacation this year, our time to disappear and realign each our hearts to the others, I realized that every year with you I come more alive. You have this ability to breathe new life into me, you have this ability to bring joy to my weary bones. Instead of getting older and creeping towards the inevitable end, somehow I feel younger, sexier, more alive as each year passes and I don't even know how that is possible, and yet it is what is happening. This is what you do to me. I look at what we have created together, our four beautiful children, our children who are the epitome of us as one, smart, creative, stubborn, full of potential, beauty, grace, possibility.

There's a song that is playing on the radio right now that sums up so much of how I feel and how I feel you feel about me. I know that all of you loves all of me, every part, all the good, the bad and the ugly and I love all of you. You bring me joy in my despair, you fill up the empty spaces inside and you can get inside to those parts that are hidden and ugly and you make even those parts feel special and beautiful. So happy anniversary my love, and I do hope we have at least another 21 years to go. Those lyrics for those of you who may have suffered through this emotional stuff and have not heard the song are All of Me by John Legend What would I do without your smart mouth Drawing me in, and you kicking me out Got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down What’s going on in that beautiful mind I’m on your magical mystery ride And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright Bridge: My head’s under water But I’m breathing fine You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind ‘Cause all of me Loves all of you Love your curves and all your edges All your perfect imperfections Give your all to me I’ll give my all to you You’re my end and my beginning Even when I lose I’m winning ‘Cause I give you all of me And you give me all of you How many times do I have to tell you Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too The world is beating you down, I’m around through every mood You’re my downfall, you’re my muse My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues I can’t stop singing, it’s ringing, in my head for you Bridge: Cards on the table, we’re both showing hearts Risking it all, though it’s hard I give you all of me And you give me all of you

For Cream in my Coffee. . .

So I have been on a diet off and on for a bit now, and so when I am on the diet it of course involves taking certain things out of what you eat. So for me it has been dairy, sugar and carbs. Now you don't take all these things out of your diet forever but just for a certain amount of time and now that the diet is over we go on maintenance which means you can start to add those things back into your diet in moderation. So today being the first day of maintenance, I was able to add back into my diet some dairy. That means cream in my coffee. What a wonderful treat my coffee was to me this morning. Whenever you remove something from your life however small you begin to see what you take for granted. What you have just become so used to that you don't even really enjoy the flavor anymore. That cup of coffee this morning was so delicious it was like I was tasting coffee again for the first time. Whenever you really want to enjoy something, just don't let yourself have it for awhile and then the flavor will be so rich it will amaze you. Today it is this really simple thing, like cream in my coffee that I am thankful for. Thankful to move into a different phase of the diet and thankful that I can really enjoy the very simple things like cream in my coffee.

For Hard Times. . .

This is going to seem like a strange blog, I hear people saying now "why would you be thankful for hard times?" Well there are so many reasons. One is that I find during the really hard times is when I gravitate towards Jesus, cling to him for comfort and as a result grow deeper in my relationship with him. Another reason is that it makes me stronger. Every hard time results in me just being a little stronger and more able to handle the next hard time that might come my way. A third reason is that I really believe it develops character. The more I have to struggle with, the more empathy I have for others who are struggling, the more understanding I am of those who are not in the place I am in. My character grows and that is always a good thing. Now don't' take this blog that I want hard times. I think I have had enough hard times to last a life time, and peace and joy from here on out would be great. However if I need to grow in my character, if I need to grow in my relationship with Christ, if I need to be stronger (and I will always need those things) than I can see hard times as a gift because when I come to the other end I will be a better person for it. I also can see it as a gift because when you come out at the other side, then you can enjoy the peace and joy and you tend not to take it for granted. "Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back." Isaiah 38:17

For Prayer. . .

So tonight was cell meeting, and after sharing our prayer requests and we began to pray I realized what a wonderful thing prayer is. There are many types of prayer, corporate prayer, family prayers, prayers alone behind closed doors, couples prayers, and cell prayer. What a wonderful thing we have that God has given us this ability to pray. We get to come before God, the huge and powerful God and bring our concerns, our care, our sorrows and our joy and have a conversation. What a gift, what a wonderful gift. We can take anything and everything to Him and what is so great is He wants to hear it all. Every type of prayer we have available to us is so special. It's amazing to go to Church and be involved in corporate prayer, to lift up as a group our concerns for the world and for ourselves, for our community. Family prayers of course hold such a powerful and important spot in our lives. You can really learn about your children when you lead them in prayer and ask about their prayer requests. You learn about their heart, what is going on inside them, what worries them and what brings them joy. You can also learn how powerful children's prayers are. Jessica prayed for Elizabeth, Frances and Christopher. He answered her prayer every time. Prayers alone I find are the ones where you are the most yourself as you pour your heart out before God. It's amazing to know He loves those prayers too and makes mention of them in His word. He wants to see us as we are, not as we want others to see us and when we pray alone we are the most vulnerable and honest about what is going on inside us. Couple prayers of course draw you closer together with your beloved and help you as you bond. It guides your intimacy and your hearts towards each other. Then there is cell prayer. What I love about cell prayer is that we are able to bring our concerns to each other, to share together and then to lift each other up in love. It's amazing to hear one week, the prayers that are answered in the week that we lifted up the week before. We then rejoice with each other and get to see the power of God working. We get to support each other not with platitudes but before our Father. It's of course the best way to love each other. Tonight I am grateful for prayer, that God loves us so much He desires that we pray and come to Him daily. I am blessed because of my brothers and sisters who love me so much they lift me up in prayer and my concerns. I am blessed that I get to share with my brothers and sisters the joy of answered prayer. I am blessed because God is not a God who is far away, but who is involved daily and is delighted when I daily give time to Him in prayer. I am grateful for prayer, and blessed by prayer and I think that sometimes that I take that amazing gift that He has given me for granted.