Anticipation. . .

I am looking forward to tomorrow
I am looking forward to meeting with You
I am looking forward to healing
I am looking forward to coming clean
I am looking forward to putting some stuff away
I am looking forward to sitting at Your feet
I am looking forward to crying at Your Cross
I am looking forward to learning
I am looking forward in anticipation

Agony. . .

Why do all roads lead back to this place of pain and agony? Why do I never seem to be able to take more than a few steps forward? Why does the pain always return like a shadow? Why can't I get it right just once?

Lost Again. . .

Well it has happened again, the vortex of time and space collide and he disappears into the abyss of W.O.W. and I am left alone. Sounds, sights, everything around him vanishes and all he sees and all he hears and thinks about is this silly game. I wish I could connect to him like it does or even understand it but I don't. It is his escape and I have enjoyed a six month reprieve until on Wednesday night at midnight he was mine. Then he went purchase the contraband and disappeared into that other world where I cannot follow. Apparently this is his escape and that is fine except that I don't have an escape. If I choose one it is unhealthy but for him it is okay. None of this makes much sense to me, nor does his love for it make sense to me, but maybe it is just me. I hate though what this all does to our relationship, how it makes us distant from each other.

I feel myself retreating to that place inside where no one can follow. You can look in through the glass and see that the piles of clutter are starting to pile up, you can see that the once swept through home is looking dirty again but the glass doors are shut and you cannot come in. Inside it is dark, empty and dank; soon the clutter of despair, aloneness, doubt, and dirt pile in corners and soon begin to encroach on the room; soon all 50 some parts will disappear again into me and they will be hard to distinguish; soon the glass will fog over and you won't even be able to see inside. Soon I will be lost again as he is.

Our little pixie in Frances style quit trick or treating half way through because she felt she now had enough candy. So she sat down in the wagon and just rode the rest of the way.

Cinderella was absolutely beautiful. When I put her make-up on I couldn't believe how long her lashes were. They curl naturally and reach her eye-brows. They look false they are so long. I am jealous.

Year after year she picks the "dark" costume, I keep praying she will grow out of it. I think it has more to do with dying her hair black than anything else.

Mr. Wallstreet was all business on Halloween, he would yell at Glenn at each house to make sure that Glenn would stop the wagon and wait for him to go get the candy. He wouldn't go to the house until he was sure Glenn had stopped.

Dearest Jessica. . .

Well you are finally twelve and I know for you thirteen can't come soon enough. It's been a year of change for you and you are adjusting so well. You are growing up too fast for my liking. I love how you are growing up, the way you look out for your siblings, the way you are driven to follow your dreams. I am so proud of who you are.

It makes me so happy to see how much you love Church, love it to the point of making it your party. I am going to pray that your friends have such a good time that they always want to go to the NAC PAC events with you.

You are a beautiful girl and not just on the outside, but on the inside as well. You are always concerned for others and the feelings of others. You are the smartest twelve year old I know. You have such a beautiful voice and I also pray that I will find a way to get you the voice lessons you want so that you can develop that voice of yours.

I know when you were younger I wasn't always there for you. There is so much that I have missed and so much that I wish that I had been a stronger mother for you a stronger influence when you were younger. I can't take back those years but I can tell you that I will be there for you in the future whenever you need me.

Mom.