Davey,

I hope I don't embarrass you too much, but I always was the romantic mushy one. I have been so pleased to read your e-mails and catch up with you. Your son is sooo cute, it's a great name you picked out for him too, I really like that name.

I have missed you my friend more than any words can describe. Since we parted ways I have gone down roads of pain that aren't even describable and roads of joy that eclipse the most beautiful sunsets. All of my children are healthy, smart (too smart) and beautiful. My hubby is good to me -- a nerd. I always go for the nerds don't I -- well except for that Mike mistake, but we won't go there.

Gil has been very patient with me through these battles that have become almost unbearable. I live in a suburb north of Toronto, it's quiet and I don't have any friends in close proximity so often I begin to get lonely and to feel like the only chatter available to me is kid chatter which is one sure way to drive a person nuts.

I've traveled down some lovely paths and some paths that would bring you the darkest of nightmares. I still have my faith, and it keeps me alive and although I don't think a blog or even an e-mail could explain all to you, I do think we should talk sometime because it sounds like life has led you down a few roads too. I still think of you often, and miss your presence in my life. Thank-you for seeing something in me I never did see, something I couldn't see but because you saw it I was able to keep going. Thank-you for allowing me to feel innocent and beautiful, thank-you for the privilege of being your VERY first love.

RLS. . .

My life gets stranger and yet better every day. I have discovered much to my amazement that I have RLS, or Restless Leg Syndrome. What is restless Leg Syndrome, well apparently it is what I have called foot-pain.

Now let me explain further, I have had an issue that I have had ever since I can remember with pain the the bottom of my feet. It feels like you are about to get a charlie horse, or like they are constantly being tickled to the point of pain. So my feet are constantly tense, feeling like they are cramping and I find myself moving them and moving them throughout the night to try to get comfortable. It has kept me awake at night. I cannot sleep and twist and turn all night. Sometimes it is so bad I just give up and walk around in order to make myself feel better, and sometimes it makes me startle awake if I have finally fallen asleep.

Well with four children you can imagine what a irritant this has been. I am so over-tired all the time I dissolve into tears in seconds. My doctor started prescribing sedatives that are supposed to be helping this process but I found myself taking more and more because it was still not effective in getting me to sleep. Then when I finally would fall asleep I would be very tired the next day or be unable to awake in the day and then Gil was up a creek without a paddle where the business is concerned.

So last week at the doctor's office I was discussing with him again the situation and saying I don't want to keep taking heavier and heavier narcotics. I want just to fall asleep and I can't no matter what relaxation techniques I have tried and what other systems I have put into place. So he delved in, "What exactly keeps you awake? Are you having flashbacks? Are you scared about the children? Are your thoughts racing? What is it exactly?

Well, to me it has been this awful pain in my feet. How do you explain it? I've always thought it must be a strange phenomenon that happens just to me, that is just in my head and isn't real. So I've never actually talked about it with anyone except Gil and Giles. So I take a deep breath and say "foot pain" and then give him the explanation above and what that feels like. He looks at me sort of comically and then says, "That's RLS, restless leg syndrome." How long have you had this problem. I'm like as far back as I can remember. In fact I don't recall not having foot pain, just not this severe.

He then begins to tell me that this is a nervous system disease that is akin to Parkinson's. It's not Parkinson's, nor does it mean you'll get Parkinson's, (in fact you probably won't), but this pain is not anxiety. He says it is one of the easiest things to fix. You take a very small dose of Parkinson's medicine and he says it will be like a light switch. Poof! The foot pain would be good and I probably would not even need the sedatives anymore. YIPEE!!

So I started that night and waited in high anticipation. However I still had issues falling asleep, however instead of not falling asleep at all, I did eventually fall asleep and when I fell asleep I slept like a baby. I didn't wake up startled, I didn't have bad dreams, so for the first time in forever I was able to wake up and actually be awake. I cannot tell you the level of joy that this has brought me. Instead of wandering around feeling only 20% awake or having so much trouble getting out of bed that I needed to consume large amounts of coffee, I actually just woke up.

I thought that maybe I just wasn't a morning person and it took me awhile to get moving. Apparently I was wrong I have never woken up so awake except at Christmas, or if something special was happening and on my wedding day. Even on those occasions it was more that I didn't really sleep at all because I was so excited about the event the next day.

I feel like I have woken up and it is a brand new world out there, and I like it.

Frances the Duck!!!

Frances was given a coat the other day, a bright yellow rain-coat. As we were trying it on her I pulled the hood up and it is a duck face with "googly eyes" (Elizabeth phraseology), anyways I started to laugh and told he to go and look in the mirror. The delighted laughter and glee that proceeded from her was like nothing I've ever heard. She wanted to go outside right away but it was warm and sunny. I told her we would need to wait for a rainy day. Later passing by the front stairs there is Frances sitting patiently on the stairs holding her duck coat waiting for the rain. So today she was overjoyed by the dismal weather and spent most of the afternoon outside ---- quacking like a duck. I'm sure if you passed by green gables that is all you would have heard. Her helium voice and the top of her lungs -- quack quack, quack quack!!

Dearest Frances do you know how much joy you bring to your mommy everyday. I love you so much and I'm so glad you're my little girl. I will love you forever and ever thank-you for passing my way.

Here's to a rainy day. 

Rapper Girl! 

The Cutest Little Anne Ever!!!!!!!