October 2010

October floods in once again, arriving in the splendor and majesty of color. The cooler days and nights after a warm summer is welcome, the sun shinning through the many colors of the trees is intoxicating, but still the true beauty of October is hidden from these eyes. How I long to find that key, that one thing that will bring October back to me, to a time of joy and laughter. Every October I feel the pangs and the regrets, and the pain and every October I mourn the loss of my favorite month.

This year was the first year that it started out okay, with the wonderful birthday celebration Gil threw for me. Dianna and her two children traveled all the way from Quebec, Cordy was there with a friend, family, old high school friends(well not old, just friends from long ago), and the bliss that followed from that day has been traveling with me and uplifting me despite the scene unfolding in my mind. Yet as today approached my heart began to ache again as I am reminded again of the day that October got stolen from me, and everything I was disappeared.

I have been learning lately that not everything disappeared it just felt like that, I had to make choices that were not easy and no person should have to make. I chose life, I chose to face many Octobers in the future and sometimes I regret that choice because I think the other would be easier but at the same time when I look at my family I am glad for the choice I made. I thought I lost my faith and I now I know that you can't lose that even when you try to because Jesus doesn't let go of you, He hangs on to us despite everything.

Today it wasn't sunny like it was twenty-two years ago, and I didn't end the night in tears and despair. It was just a day and it has been okay. I got to go out with a friend and have a nice evening, I didn't hide away, and I no longer regret my choice.

A quote reminded me today of something important, a quote from Buffy. "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live." I always thought that in choosing life that day I was weak. Now I think I was wrong, it was the brave choice, the hard choice. How hard it was comes flooding back in every October that comes my way, and I will keep making that hard choice in all the Octobers I have left. I will keep being brave, I will keep living, and this day is now the day that I became strong, not a day that made me weak.

Happy Birthday Giles. . .

If we look at things outside of time as God does, then the day before my horrible day, He had already provided for me, before I even stepped in that house, He had provided for me the way back out. As I thought about that last night I found myself praising Him who cares so much.

I am often grateful to Steve for leading me to you, allowing me the chance to know you and be blessed by you and your life. You have already taught me so much and although I know I'm not out of that house yet, and I don't know how long that journey will be I am glad that I am no longer alone in it; that I have you walking with me, struggling with me, and at times crying with me.

You are such a blessing to me, such an encouragement, such a good friend. Your family has also blessed and continues to bless me and I am often encouraged in my own role as a parent by how I see you parent. I am blessed to have a friend in your beautiful wife and the blessings just continue to come as I get to know the wee ones.

I do not know if you can know completely the impact your life is having on others but you definitely are having an impact by the few around me that I do see. You are kind and gracious, patient and loving, and so many times you have demonstrated Jesus to me in your humility and your grace. Thank-you for being a Jesus with skin on for me when I desperately needed that.

My prayer for you this day is that you will glimpse not only today but in the year ahead a portion of what you have done for others that it will encourage you in what God can yet do through you. I pray that your blessings will abound until they are almost too much, in every area of your life, your family, your work, your ministry, your friends, your walk with God. I pray that God will draw so close to you and minister to you in such an amazing way it would eclipse any other experience and you will once more be in awe of Him. May He rain down His blessings upon you, lighting up your days in color like the leaves outside. May He fill your days with more joy and love and passion than even you can imagine or dream about, and may He meet you daily in your dreams, that you might catch those glimpses of Him all around you and with you, and may you have that peace that that surpasses all understanding.