October 2010

October floods in once again, arriving in the splendor and majesty of color. The cooler days and nights after a warm summer is welcome, the sun shinning through the many colors of the trees is intoxicating, but still the true beauty of October is hidden from these eyes. How I long to find that key, that one thing that will bring October back to me, to a time of joy and laughter. Every October I feel the pangs and the regrets, and the pain and every October I mourn the loss of my favorite month.

This year was the first year that it started out okay, with the wonderful birthday celebration Gil threw for me. Dianna and her two children traveled all the way from Quebec, Cordy was there with a friend, family, old high school friends(well not old, just friends from long ago), and the bliss that followed from that day has been traveling with me and uplifting me despite the scene unfolding in my mind. Yet as today approached my heart began to ache again as I am reminded again of the day that October got stolen from me, and everything I was disappeared.

I have been learning lately that not everything disappeared it just felt like that, I had to make choices that were not easy and no person should have to make. I chose life, I chose to face many Octobers in the future and sometimes I regret that choice because I think the other would be easier but at the same time when I look at my family I am glad for the choice I made. I thought I lost my faith and I now I know that you can't lose that even when you try to because Jesus doesn't let go of you, He hangs on to us despite everything.

Today it wasn't sunny like it was twenty-two years ago, and I didn't end the night in tears and despair. It was just a day and it has been okay. I got to go out with a friend and have a nice evening, I didn't hide away, and I no longer regret my choice.

A quote reminded me today of something important, a quote from Buffy. "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live." I always thought that in choosing life that day I was weak. Now I think I was wrong, it was the brave choice, the hard choice. How hard it was comes flooding back in every October that comes my way, and I will keep making that hard choice in all the Octobers I have left. I will keep being brave, I will keep living, and this day is now the day that I became strong, not a day that made me weak.