2 lbs. 6 inches. . .and now The House

I have continued down the path towards a smaller, leaner more healthier me. I have reached the next step towards my eventual goal and that has put me on top of the world. It's strange how good reaching a goal can make you feel, maybe because the goal doesn't seem so far out of reach the closer you get to it, and I'm still far away from it but I'm closer than I was and I guess that's what counts.

The real measure of progress, the real notch in the belt, the air beneath my wings is that my wedding rings fit again. It has been four years since I have been able to put them on my fingers, to play with the way the diamond glints in the light, to truly feel married again. The past few days have felt wonderful being able to look down at them and remember the way Gil pledged his love to me, the ballons that floated the first ring into my hands, the church in which I received the second. They continue to catch me by surprise because I'm just not used to them.

So now we're putting our energy into our next goal. You see on Sunday Green Gables will be inundated with 30 to 35 people (not including children) to celebrate Frances Aileen's dedication. Well that's all fine and good except our house is small and that is a lot of people. We will have to ask people to bring food, and we will have to make sure there is enough seating and space in the rooms we do have. In order to create such an atmosphere for such a festivity we first have to tear apart what is presently here. That means temporarily creating more chaos in an already busy house and of course that means STRESS and lots of it.

Our lovely daughter left out nail-polish (bright red) and it spilled on the carpet and now the carpet has to be pulled up; hard wood is going down and it is all happening by the end of the night. I tried to prevent this drastic change until a time period that maybe I might not be so stressed out about it, but Gil used all his money (his birthday money and christmas money) towards this endeavor so I couldn't exactly say much now could I? So that is where we are, a house with furniture in every room other than the room it's supposed to be in, and a floor only half finished and nowhere to sit and eat-----yikes.

Hope. . .

Hope is something I do not have an abundant supply of,I am the pesimist in the family(a difference between Anne of Green Gables and myself), Gil is our optimist;yet today the Lord gave me hope. Hope in something better down the road, hope in my family, hope in my marriage, but most of all hope in myself. I was on a road of despair and I thought I was a lost cause. I believed there was no good way out and no good options open and then the heavens opened with mercy and grace rained down on me. Someone reminded me that God was closer to me than my very next breath and I believed him. Often I don't believe it when people say things like that but this time I did. I knew it to be true within my soul and today that was a miracle and now I have hope. I think I have taken my first step on the journey home and I think it's going to be a very long and hard journey, but maybe at the end I'll be a better person and maybe God will be waiting to welcome me. It's hard for me to imagine that because I have travelled so far away, and made so many mistakes but to know that I am at least on the right path is exciting.

A Mother's "Nerves"

What are nerves? We've all heard the terms used by our own parents,"you're getting on my nerves" or "you're giving me a nervous breakdown", etc..., but what exactly are "nerves" anyway? I've experienced the feeling of little ones getting on my "nerves", some days more than others. I've even experienced the feeling that you might have a nervous breakdown; but today I am experiencing the reality of "nerves". It's not the little annoyances or the way they seem to push you to your limit, it's the reality of perpetual danger that causes our every sense to awaken to a point that it seems to hurt our very being, our body, our mind.

Tomorrow my oldest daughter goes in for her first operation. It's minor really, just fixing her teeth, but it's surgery. They are putting her out for it, it involves anesthetic and so my nerves kick in. I remember my surgery for my tonsils and I begin to worry. Will she be okay throughout the process? It's more than the actual surgery, will she cry when they put the iv in, will she panic when she begins to go under, will she wonder where I am? Will she cry for me and wish I was there for her in that moment, and when she wakes up will she feel sick, will she be in pain, will she be dis-oriented again wondering where I am and so my nerves again kick in. My motherly instinct to protect her at all costs, and I want to fight the doctor and demand to go in with her. I want to hold her hand through it all and I am terrified she won't come out at all.

Gilbert says that this is silly, but is it? Is it silly to worry about your baby or is it instinct; our God given intuition that says protect that which came from you. In the end she is still that---my baby. She may think she's sixteen(she's only seven and 1/2), roll her eyes at me like I know nothing, demand more and more independance from me (like today she packed her own lunch, got her sisters out of bed, and would have fed the baby if she knew how to make her cereal), but she is still my baby. I still remember when they laid her on my belly and said,"congradulations, you have a baby girl". I still think of her as my little baby girl, Jessica Anne, 8lbs, 2 ounces, 22 inches. My little baby girl, my first-born, my fire child.

And so I will have a sleepless night, a night full of "nerves", and a day when I may reach that point of having "a nervous breakdown"; when they wheel her away; and until she is back in my arms and ready to "get on" my nerves again, and for the first time I really understand what "nerves" are.

And so I cave

Well I have caved to writing my own blog, after being inspired by my beautiful, funny and charming niece(brownie points expected here), this will not be a place to vent super personal feelings, but maybe report on family life---hence the title. Since I have loved Anne all my life, and continue to think of herself and myself entertwined I figured it was a good title. Of course our house is not nearly as lush or as beautiful as Green Gables actually is it is the best I have to offer. It doesn't help that I do not have a green thumb either, so making it the lush landscape I crave is a lost cause.

So far it has been a good day, I have been able to chat with Diane my bosoom friend and we have shared, laughed, cried,etc... It's always refreshing to talk to friends from yesteryear, friends who know your soul, your innermost thought and love you all the same.

It has been an exhausting day and I find myself wondering why when all I do is run after and change kids all day long. Nothing too strenous and nerve racking yet i find at the end of the day I can't even stay awake to watch a show with my husband. So what is it about kids that makes taking care of them so difficult; I think it must be the constant demands. Demands for hugs, kisses, attention, juice, a specific toy, a specific show it does not seem to end and with three you find at the end of the day if you've eaten it's been a good day, let alone clean or anything like that.

Yet when it all comes down, when they crawl across the floor as fast as they can to get to you because you're the love of their life, when they smile with that one dimple showing, when they roll their eyes at you because they know so much and you must know nothing, when their world starts and stops with your very breath, it's all worth while and life at Green Gables aint half bad.