For Coral. . .

My other girl friend from college that I have been lucky enough to remain close with despite the distance is Coral. Coral, Kara and I are very close. Coral has also become very close to my older sister, and to Gil. They are like brother and sister. Over the past two years we have been able to get together more often and I have really appreciated those late night talks, and just being able to connect again, like there has been no passage of time. One of the things I really appreciate about Coral is that she is the type of friend that doesn't let you get away with anything. I have valued that so much. Her loyalty and love do not mean she just tells you what you want to hear. She is not afraid to have the hard conversations with you and call you on your crap. I have often needed that check, and I really appreciate the deep honesty and the bravery that is needed for her to be able to do that. I also appreciate that she is always willing to share her stuff with me, to be vulnerable and let me in. There are no walls between us, we talk openly and honestly and to find that in someone is rare and so valuable. She is so beautiful inside and out and she will give you the shirt off her back. She often sacrifices herself for those she loves and has such a hard time putting up boundaries. I admire that lately this is something she is learning, that she is valuable and therefore she needs to put up the boundaries for herself. Loving others, giving to others doesn't mean harming yourself in the process and I am so proud that she has been able to make this transition. As I write this I miss you and love you and can't wait for our next late night talk. . .

For Kara. . .

My second year at OBC, I was lucky enough to meet a kindred spirit. Unlike Anne, I have not been one to find kindred spirits everywhere I go. I had seen her around our first year but we had never really talked. Then one night it was rather late we ran into each other and began to talk. I don't think either of us got sleep that night and it would only be the first in a series of allnighters. We became instant best friends. More than that we became sisters in every way. I always knew no matter what she would be there for me, and I hope that she always knew that about me. When we went back to Indonesia, she was able to come with us. She was my Maid of Honour and she was a constant support that first year with Jess when postpartum depression hit me so hard. She did things with Jess that I couldn't and they developed such a strong bond. Jess was even her flower girl. I think what I appreciate the most about Kara is that she got me, she saw me inside and out, flaws and everything. She never tried to change me and sometimes we didn't need words to communicate with each other. She lives in Quebec now with her family. Her oldest looks exactly like Jess, her son looks like Beth it really is amazing that we could have been sisters. It's harder with the distance, we rarely see each other and the long night chats are gone. When we do see each other we will pick up exactly where we left off like time didn't even pass by, but time has past by and the time in between is too hard. I choose though to look at the positive, the fact that I have been blessed with a best friend, that I have a kindred spirit, someone who really gets me. Even though she isn't my neighbor, she still is out there and I know she still has my back and I hope she knows I still have hers. I love you Kara.

For our return home. . .

In 1992, I got to go back to my homeland Indonesia. There was a mission trip back to Indonesia that CBIM was doing. It was a developmental project and we would be working with Indonesian students on the Island of Kalimantan. At first it was just offered to Gil. They were looking for one more male to round out the group. I wanted him to go because at this point we were engaged and I thought he should experience Indonesia so that he would understand me and be able to get a grasp on what my growing up life had been like. When he went in to talk to Blair, Blair thought it would be good if I came too and we experience this trip together. So we raised some money and he made room to add one more person and I got to go home with Gil. Our trip started with a few days of training and then we went to Kalimantan. We spent 7 weeks there building dormitories for kids who had to leave home to be able to attend school, and digging wells. Then the last two weeks my sister, friend from childhood, Gil and I got to return to Sulawesi, reconnect with the people we hadn't seen in over ten years, and for Gil to see where I grew up. The first part of the trip was an eye opener for me. When we got off the plain my skin suddenly felt moist with the humidity and it was so thick that stepping off the plane the air actually catches in your throat. The other team members immediately felt warm and perhaps oppressed with it. I'm sure they were wondering if they would be able to get through the next seven weeks, but for me, it was warmth and familiar and my heart began to beat faster. I suddenly began to feel more alive than I had felt in a long time, my mind, my emotions, my heart suddenly started to whisper we're home, this is our land, this is our land. The next weeks for me was awash in discovery. I was discovering a part of myself I had forgotten. As the language slowly came back to me, as I ate foods I hadn't tasted for over ten years, as I experienced a people that have a grace that I have not found elsewhere, she returned to me. It was memory, being comfortable in my skin, feeling at peace, alive and content. For Gil the experience was far less poetic. It was an exercise in survival. He dropped 20 pounds, he sweat 24 hours a day and never did seem to find relief from the heat. He tried to keep up with understanding what was happening around him but the language barrier made that difficult. He coped as best as he could but Indonesia was not a paradise for him. Though he would tell me later how much he enjoyed seeing me in a light he had never seen, to see me comfortable and content he said was a gift to him. When we went back to my Islands it was more somber, to see how things had changed and yet how things are the same, it was heartbreaking as well as beautiful. It was here that I learned that Gil would never be able to move here and live her and I needed to make peace with that. It was also here that I said a final goodbye to my homeland. I still want to visit but the dream of returning to live died that year. However I feel blessed that I was able to show Gil that side of me, that I was able to enjoy those nine weeks, that I was able to learn who I really was, and to appreciate my history. I feel blessed that I was able to say good-bye and move forward with Gil without that wondering lingering in the back of my brain. I was able to make peace and that was an enormous gift.

For Drama. . .

When we were young and on the mission field my sister Susie had a love for drama and plays. We would always put these productions together for the theology students and I discovered drama. I remember being angry in my youth that I was cast as John in Peter Pan simply because I wore glasses. It was one of the first injustices I experienced. However in high school I was far too shy to audition or try drama in any way. So I forgot about my first love. Then came OBC. At first I was too shy to try for anything again, but Kara convinced me to try out for A.D.A.M. I never regretted that choice, even though there were times I disagreed with the director. It brought out a new confidence in me and it was so cathartic. All of a sudden a new passion was born. You could work out almost anything on stage, and be people you would never dare to be in real life. I could be a lunatic and get out all the feelings that were bottled up inside me. In fact I discovered playing crazy was always easier than playing sane. A.D.A.M was a great first place to get my feet wet. It allowed me to try so many roles, I learned sign as well and we got to go on tour. The relationships and bonds that were made through that team were incredible. It was because of my involvement with them that I met Gil and that our relationship was born. He was the sound and lights guy that would shine the lights into my eyes to annoy me. When Nic Hunter came to our school, a directer from Wales who was brilliant, and he was setting up productions, I was intimidated. Again I was too scared to audition, I didn't think I would be good enough for anything he was putting together, but he had seen my work with A.D.A.M and said he'd take me without an audition. That moment when he said that was one I will never forget, it meant so much to me. I had so much fun being part of the production that year - playing an English General was the best work I did. He also taught a drama class that taught me more about myself than drama. He really boosted my confidence and would never let me hang my head or be "shy" if he was around. What I discovered more than anything is that I can be so nervous right before I go on stage, and then I go on stage and the nerves disappear and suddenly I feel like I am alive, more alive than I have ever been. Drama has been an amazing outlet for me, an outlet I wish I could use more now. I see it in my oldest as she does what I never had the guts to do at her age and I am so proud. Today I am thankful that I had this outfit, that I had this experience and that drama was a part of my life, my prayer is that I will find ways to use it in the future.

For the Cottage, . .

Every summer, my parents graciously let us use their cottage for a week, sometimes for even longer. We have had this piece of paradise since I was sixteen years old. I love it. It has been through it share of renovations lately and apparently now has a new ceiling. There was a time when walking up the rickety stairs would cause the whole cottage to shake and we often joked that one day we would wake up in the lake. It has a shower, but no toilet so it's an outhouse. That is probably the worst part of it. It's on Otter Lake, a beautiful long lake that often has speed boaters flying down.

It was at the cottage where my first paragraphs of my novel came to me so quickly. It is amazing to experience the cottage and the lake at Thanksgiving when the trees are dancing in their beautiful robes. It's also the place where I first knew that Gil was the one for me. It is because of the cottage and Gil fixing the water pump for my parents that they decided he was the one for me. It was the cottage where me and my collage friends often spent time sunning ourselves and enjoying the peace and quiet. We would bond over swimming, canoeing and Dutch Blitz, not to mention painting Gil's toe nails when he fell asleep, fun boat rides - that was Deb's favorite. It also has been the place of many adventures, Deb and Gil trying to cross over in the middle of a tornado and ending up in the lake clinging to the canoe, it was the first stop on my honeymoon when I didn't realize the scourge of of the black flies, and ended up with 43 black fly bites. That was our shortest trip to the cottage. Then there was the fun of going up with Jessica when we would all go up for a vacation, and lately it has become a safe haven in the summer for Gil and I. We disappear up there when the kids are in camp, I swim the lake and we both sit and catch up on all our reading.

There are no phones at our cottage, and no roads. We cross over by boat, and as a result it is very quiet and very peaceful (except for the speeding boats). It's the place where Gil and I reconnect and where I can reconnect with Nature. I feel very blessed that we have the place to go to, and that every year I get a chance to look forward to our time at the Cottage. Already as it is freezing outside I am looking forward to my time at the Cottage again this year, my time with Gil when we can just bask in the sun and get away for one short week. That's the only problem with the cottage, the weeks always seem too short.

For the Mountains in California. . .

When I was twelve and we had just left Indonesia we first went to California so that my Dad could finish his PhD. I had big hopes for California, most of which led to disappointment, but the one thing I wasn't expecting was the joy I would find at the Church we attended. It was a huge Church - the grade 7 and 8's of which I belonged had their own building as did the high school kids because of the large numbers. When I joined I learned about listening to God's voice and responding and it was at this time that I heard God tell me to go on the trip the group was having that year, a back pack trip up the mountains. My parents were very concerned understandably because I never walked anywhere and hated walking with a passion. They couldn't understand what would possess me to want to suddenly climb this mountain. What they didn't realize was that it wasn't out of desire but a belief that this is what Jesus wanted me to do so I felt compelled to obey. I went door to door in our apartment complex raising money, and getting things like tents and equipment for my trip. I endured much razzing from my sisters about how they would have to send the search and rescue to get me out because I would not last, but I persevered and went anyway. The trip itself was one of the hardest trips I have ever been on. I froze the entire time, I was scared and very confused as to why God called me to this mountain. I persevered. Our team got lost, a girl fell and broke her femur, we camped on a hill and kids slid out of their tents, most kids had trouble carrying the huge backpacks, but I never got help and persevered no matter how tired I was. Years and years later I figured out the reason I was there, but in the immediate I thought it was to show me that with God I can get through anything. I may not be strong, but He is strong because I never needed help with my backpack. I may be cold, but I can keep going if He is with me. I'm sure that was one reason too, because when I go through hard things, or face things that scare me I remember that I conquered that mountain. That with His help my critics were silent and I remember that with Him my fear doesn't matter because he can help me be strong. I am grateful that God gave me this lesson, and that years later He felt pleased to show me the other reasons too.

For Pastor Norm. . .

When I was in high school we moved from Oakville to Burlington. My parents agreed that they would stay in one place for my high school years so that I could have some stability. We attended North Burlington Baptist Church which was just down the road from where we lived. We had been attending the Church for a year already but had been driving quite a distance and now it was close enough to walk. The Pastor at that Church at that time was Norm Sowden. I am still grateful when I think back on that time that he was the Pastor and still feel blessed that through Facebook he can still be in my life. I was a very geeky, shy girl with very low self esteem trying to fit into a culture that I had no idea how to fit into and to have him in my life at this point was clearly a God thing. He was always there to greet you on a Sunday morning with a hug. I had a paper route and whenever he drove by he would beep his horn, and it always made me feel really good. He was good at getting us youth involved too, doing the ushering, reading scripture, doing sound, or singing. There was always a place for us in the Church. He had an impact on all the youth because of this; he took an interest in us, in our lives. There is still one memory that is seared into my brain. We had just bought our house and Pastor Norm was over and we were giving him a tour of the house. I was so excited to show him my room. At that point I had no furniture. Being missionaries we did not have a lot of money and my parents were saving for a bedroom suite for me but at that point we still did not have it yet. I showed him my room and he asked where I was sleeping. I explained the furniture issue and told him I would have a sleeping bag till I got my furniture. The next day he arrived with a large hunk of foam for me to sleep on. It was a simple gesture, something small but to this awkward girl trying to fit in it was huge. I just remember being amazed at how much he must have cared to go to trouble to get that for me, and it almost made me cry. To our Church leaders who might read this, it usually is the smallest things that mean so much. It meant so much because he saw me, he saw a need and he answered it without me even asking. I know that my high school life was blessed because you Pastor Norm were in it, you helped me in my walk with God and your example has been crucial in my walk of faith. I was never met with judgement but with love and compassion and when you moved away there was a definite hole in my life. I'm not sure if you know the impact you had on so many youth, but you really did. I often wonder what would have been different if you had been there when I went through those dark days, but I do know when I went to Vancouver and you went out of your way to see me it gave me hope and helped me to hold on. I feel deeply grateful that you were my Pastor and deeply grateful for technology that allows us to be in contact today even though we are across the country from each other.

For my writing. . .

It sounds egotistical and I don' mean it to be. It's not that I think this is a skill I have, I didn't go to school for it or train for it, I see this more as a gift that He has given me. I have always loved words; words to me have so much power and meaning that they have always informed my life. As I said in my previous blog I learned to read early and then I read everything I could. That is when my love affair for words began. I devoured everything I could get my hands on. Words can move you from the depths of despair to the heights of love. They hold so much power and so much promise. It was in high school I discovered that I could string these magical things together and evoke these emotions in others, that my words had the power to transport me to different places and allowed me to explore my world in a whole new light. I delved in full force and daily escaped to my world where I wrote for friends for myself. I honed and practiced this skill and suddenly had a new purpose and passion. It was then that I knew that writing was part of me, part of my being, knit into my very DNA. I see my writing as a gift from God, a gift He gave me to use and one I'm trying to use now. When I went through my dark phase, the story writing stopped and writing became a way to survive. It is what allowed me to grieve, to find hope, to keep myself going when everything inside of me wanted to stop. It was during this period of time that this ability really became a gift to me, because it was the only thing that gave me a voice. I couldn't vocalize my pain and my struggle, I couldn't get anyone to understand, but I could write and that began to bring me freedom. If you read through the past ten years of this blog, you will see how it has often been the only tool I had, the only form of expression, and you will see glimpses into this period more deeply. I feel that God giving me this gift is what has allowed me to move to where I am now. I feel blessed by this gift, but also called to use it. I think Eric Little in the movie Chariots of Fire expressed it best. He said to his sister that when he ran he felt God's pleasure. That is the only way I can describe what writing does for me. When I write I feel God's pleasure, I feel my heart take flight and so how can I not write. I am thankful that He has chosen to bless me this way.

For boarding school

When I was five, my parents made the choice to send us to boarding school for a year. It ended up being one of the better experiences I had, although I missed my parents so much that I am glad it was only one year. I learned to read, and then proceeded to read every book I could get my hands on. I learned great words that I still know today, "trousers, lift, sweets, boot, lorry". I got to have an English accent. When we went home for Christmas my cousins had a great time teasing me about that, and getting us to say all kinds of words so they could hear them with an English accent. I got to experience World War 3. A war started by my sister with the boys, which was a great fun, although not so much for the teachers. I missed my family something awful and did struggle with homesickness quite often. However we also got the most beautiful letters from my Dad. Decorated with Winnie the Pooh Characters all over them, he would write such beautiful letters and Susie would sit us down and read them to us. It was a good experience, it taught me so much, and I am grateful that my life has had such a diversity of experiences that I can look back on.

For the way He made me. . ,

For many years I fought the way I am, I disliked the very thing that actually kept me alive. I tried to cure it, wish it away, ignore it, run for it. Over the past three years I have now come to a place of acceptance and gratitude. I now realize if He hadn't in His wisdom created me this way there is a good chance I would not be where I am today. I would not be able to be a Mom, a wife, living a full life, instead likely I would be medicated, in a hospital or on the street. What I have, what people call a disorder, a disease, a coping strategy is really a unique gift from my creator. He knew when He knit me together because He stands outside of time that I would need this gift in order to withstand what I was going to go through. He knew the days I had in front of me and that I would need all the help I could get. So he gave me a unique ability and this condition saved me, kept me and allows me now to live the life I have. So today as I am closer and closer to freedom I can look back and welcome it as the gift it is. Today I can be grateful for this condition and understand it's presence in me. Today I am grateful, and humbled that in His love sought to protect me. Today this condition has 72 names, and I am grateful for all of them.

For Sandy. . .

There isn't much more of a blessing in ones life than having a woman of God in her life that she can lean on and learn from and that is what Sandy has been to me. For those who don't know this lady, she is a gracious kind loving woman who never draws attention to herself but demonstrates daily a life devoted to God. She is an amazing Mom and Grandmother. If you see her with children you can see her patience, kindness and gentleness. I only wish I had an ounce of the patience she has. She has taught me so much about parenting, she has taught me basic life skills, like cooking, she has been a true mentor to me, guiding me and helping me as I continue to mature. More than anything though, she is my friend. She is loyal and her support is something I count on. She is very wise and so I am always able to seek her counsel and trust her voice. She is one of the best listeners I know. She is loyal and if you have her as a friend it means your life is rich. This is shorter than my normal blogs, but not because there isn't a lot to say, there is so much, but she probably would already be aghast that I am writing this at all. She would prefer that I keep it short and sweet. So my blessing today is for my dear friend Sandy who I love very much, who has taught me so much, and whose role in my life cannot be equaled. I would be lost without her influence, and without her.

For Giles. . .

This is a hard post to write, mainly because it's hard to encapsulate how much you have meant and do mean to me in one tiny blog. How do I even describe the role you have played, mainly because you've played so many. You've been therapist and counselor, friend and mentor and now Father. You mean different things to different parts but the main result is the same, we all are so very blessed to have you in our lives. It was almost ten years ago when I first walked into your office, I had no hope for any future and things looked so bleak. I wasn't sure about being there at all, or if the meeting would change anything. I wasn't sure what good it could do, but when I walked out I had a little hope. Just a little, enough to hang on just a bit longer, enough to go back. I can't put my finger on exactly what gave me hope but maybe it was the fact that you saw me, I wasn't a case but a person. Over the years you have taken time to see me, to understand me and to help me to understand and see myself. You took the time to help me to figure out what exactly was going on with me and inside me so that I was able to emerge from what was keeping me bound up and be free. You fought for me, fought to get me well, fought to free me. That has meant the world to me. You've taught me so much about life, about how to be a better person, how to be a better parent, how to be a better wife. You've also allowed me to come clean about who I really am and not to hide. There is so much freedom in being yourself and living your truth and you have enabled me to do that. I am so grateful for all these things. You are an amazing person, full of compassion and empathy. God has wired and gifted you in a miraculous way that you can see and help the wounded ones so that they can walk in freedom. You are so wise in all your affairs and because of this wisdom you continue to teach me, and to be able to help others to become better people. I am blessed because you took the time to see who I am, I am blessed because you understood my pain and helped me to heal from it, I am blessed because you took the time to get to know all of us, I am blessed because you took me into your family, I am blessed because you love me and I have you in my life. So thank-you for everything, everything I have said, and for that large part that I can't even find the right words for. Thank-you for saving my life because you know you really did and that's not just words that's the truth.

For my heritage

I must say today of all days I am blessed to be Irish. My Dad has always instilled in me a deep pride of being Irish and as a result it is something I love about myself and of course that means that I love this day of the year. Every St. Patties day I will call my Dad and ask him if he's wearing his green and wish him a happy St. Patties day. What is funny is I never forget this day, but some years I will forget Father's day. Somehow this has become like Father's day for me. My dream is to one day venture off to Ireland to see the greenery for myself. I think that my Irish heritage has given me my humor, which is great because it is what gets you through those times that are tough. It allows me not to take things too seriously. It has also made me stubborn. When people hear that word they always hear the negative connotation that it has but it can be a good thing. I don't quit, when things get hard I get tougher and try harder. Probably the negative thing it has given me is that fiery temper. I always tease my kids that because they have Irish from both sides (the Catholic and Protestant) that they have a civil war raging inside them. My daughter got up at 6:30 this morning to get ready and get in her Irish gear, and I was very proud of her. I am proud that they are all growing up proud to be Irish too. So I tonight I am thankful that I am Irish and I feel very blessed to be Irish!

For Aileen. . .

Well I have often said I lucked out in the mother-in-law department and that is not a lie. I have been so blessed with the most wonderful mother-in-law. I have often heard the horror stories from others about how their mother-in-laws never like anything they do, are often critical of them, and disapproving. That has not been my experience at all. From the beginning I have never received anything but total support, and encouragement. Even before Gil and I were engaged, she found out I was at OBC for the summer and therefore fending for myself so she had me over to dinner every night. After being at college for so long, home cooked meals were rare and that summer it was so nice to have such healthy wonderful meals. Then there was that week I got violently ill with tonsillitis. I had a high fever and was throwing up non-stop. Gil didn't want me to stay at the dorm like that and so his mom told him to bring me to their house and they took care of me. I was so grateful for that. She is a woman who is very generous of herself and her things. When Gil and I got engaged and phoned to tell her, her response was to tell us to go to the spare room where she already had bought all our dishes. It was such a huge surprise and I was overwhelmed, and her generosity to us continued. She listened to all my wedding plans, and never once interfered or said she thought something was strange. She raised her son to be independent and self-sufficient. He knows how to do laundry, cook, clean, sew and fix the car. I couldn't have asked for a better mate. I always tell Gil I want to raise Chris in the same way because having a husband who knows how to do things has been such a blessing. When we had our first baby her husband died four days before. When we found out we went straight to the house and at that time we were all so overwhelmed with the surprise of it and the grief. I can remember she just kept saying she felt so bad for me, because here I was nine months pregnant, a week overdue. She was in her time of grief worried and concerned for me. That was so touching. She has never once interfered in how I raise the kids, or come over and told me I'm doing it wrong, in fact at every turn she encourages and supports me. The kids all love going over to her place and visiting with her and her new husband and their generosity continues. Every time they go on a trip they always bring stuff back for everyone. Last summer she and Bill took our younger kids out to the Jays game, where they spoiled them with hot dogs and drinks and McDonalds after and of course souvenirs. Our kids had never been to a game before and absolutely loved it. A few years ago my weight hit an all time high. I was on a crazy drug and it made me gain weight. It was a long hard struggle for me, my self-esteem plummeted and I hated even leaving the house. It was a long struggle to figure out the cause and then find a way to get back to me. I always felt like everyone was judging me because of the weight and when I started to lose of course I was excited. Aileen's only comment during this time when she saw me after I had only lost about 20, was that she didn't want me to lose too much. She was concerned for my health not my appearance and that was so encouraging to me and such a boost. It was a reminder to me of what is really important, not just what the world says is important, but that health is the main thing. I think the thing I love the most are those birthday cards. She always writes a little message in them about what I mean to her. I always think that I'm not a very good daughter-in-law, not terribly chatty on the phone and for the first while not chatty at all. The Hunt family was a hard one to fit into for me because they are opposite of me. They are a family of extroverts and I am an introvert so of course for awhile it was very uncomfortable. However she always sends these messages that make me feel like I am the best daughter-in-law she could have, it always is such a boost for my self esteem and always it is a card that touches my heart and makes me cry. I look forward to those every year and I always think of how sweet she is to go out and take the time to find just the perfect card. She has four kids and 12 grandchildren, yet she finds the time to make us all feel special. I am so grateful and blessed to have Aileen as my mother-in-law, to have her as a grandmother for my kids, and I can see where Gil got the heart he has.

For Paige. . .

I am also blessed to have another older sister, you Paige. Growing up I must confess I didn't feel blessed and we never saw eye to eye. I was often jealous and we seemed to fight all the time. However when I reached high school things changed. I was very proud that you were my older sister, pretty and petite and you seemed to just know what you were going to do and where you were going. I remember missing you in the summers when you would go and work at camp, being jealous that you had a job and a boyfriend, while I was just the geeky sister. When I started getting bullied and went through such a deep struggle you were always there for me trying to encourage me and help me through that time. I feel like that was when we really became sisters. In my dark time I feel like you were one of my closest friends. You didn't press me for details, you didn't try to have answers, you were ok with silence and just being there and that meant so much to me. I loved our trip back to Indonesia together. Again I feel like we were really able to bond over remembering our homeland, Blair, the funny interactions between the Canadians and the Indonesians, and of course I got to meet and see your first interactions with Johnny. I got to see you two fall in love and help in the sneaking out to see him. That was the best time. Later we became even closer as we bonded over kids, first you had Nicki and then within a year I had Jess. You were a huge help to me the night of her birth, with Mom and Dad so far away and having just come from Gil's Dad's funeral he was out and asleep. I remember trying to get through the contractions without having to wake him and you being right there talking me through them. Then there was that crazy nurse and I couldn't fight for myself so you did. Then of course we have a million pictures because you were there to take them. Then watching them grow together for the few years we had before you left for Indonesia, Nicki calling her "Caillou", I loved that. I did feel devastated when you left for Indonesia. Although I know you were following your calling and doing what was best for your family, I knew I would miss you and our girls would drift apart. It was great every time you came home, and now that you are home to stay I feel like we have rekindled things again. I loved that you were able to help me out and come and take the kids for the week I was away, and I love how much our girls still get along. I only wish we lived closer still so they could hang out more. Thank-you for all the ways you helped me, for the love you poured into my life, and the healing you poured into me when I needed it most. Thank-you for helping to welcome Jess into the world with me. I love you so much and have been so very blessed to have you as my sister.

For Susie

I am blessed that I had you Susie as my big sister. From my name, since Christopher wouldn't do for a girl, to all the ways you looked after me from then on. I remember you were always there, from the boy you beat up in boarding school for stealing my pen, to Andy at the car wash. If anyone tried to mess with me you were there to scare the crap out of them, including every boy I ever dated. Luckily Gil passed your test. I loved that you gave me the honor of being your maid of honor, and I was thrilled that you were able to be in my wedding even though that day you weren't doing well. I love that you have such a close relationship with Gil, that you can call and talk to him, and that he has become your brother in every way. You are one of the strongest people I know, one of the most dynamic and full of life. I remember the world war you started in boarding school. That school did not know what to do with you, I remember that you were the general of the girls team and then there were the boys teams and for weeks all you would here during recess is the rat-at-tat-tat of the automatic weapons. The teachers at first thought it was a fad that would pass but you are stubborn and so was he and so the war went on and on. You had guards pick me up from class to walk me to your dorm because as your sister they might take me hostage. The only way they could get the war ended was to have an assembly where you and the boys captain signed a peace treaty and everyone surrendered their weapons. I also remember how you would coach me to not cry when Mom and Dad left, how you would read to me their letters and how you would hold me when I was horribly homesick. I remember in California how you would look out for both Paige and I and keep us safe from the bullies. I also love the way you have given each of the kids a nick name that only you call them, and every Christmas you pick something out especially for them. Elizabeth and you have a special connection, and she adores you. She loves your stories of the African Lion Safari, and when you speak she is hanging on every word. I also know how hard it was for you to watch me go through my dark spells, the blame you have wrongly taken. You couldn't have done anything to prevent it, or lessen it. I know that you have had your own dark spells and even now are going through them, and I wish I knew more of what to do to help you. I do know that I am grateful that I got to grow up with you as my sister, that you were always there looking out for me, and beating up anyone that harmed me. That you were always there to make me laugh and to hold me when I cried. I always felt like such an ugly duckling and you always helped me feel pretty. So I am blessed because of Susie, and all she gave and sacrificed for me.

For My Parents. . .

I didn't understand how hard and challenging it is to be a parent until I became a parent myself. We all have selective memory and it's easy to think we were easy children and therefore parenting is easy, but once I came home with my baby I really understood the sacrifices made by my parents, the energy that they have expended for my benefit, the things they have suffered for me, because of me. Knowing these things now I can really appreciate and be thankful for my parents. I am grateful for the love they gave me and the way they lived their lives and demonstrated Jesus to me. They also introduced Jesus to me and so because of them I have the faith I have. My parents have been through so much, and yet they have never wavered in their faith. I remember when my Mom went through a really dark time in her life. She had bells palsy which causes half of your face to be paralyzed. She had trouble sleeping, trouble eating and confined herself to her room. Often she would have to go for treatment which involved shocks to the paralyzed part of her face. During this time she was lonely and confused as they both were working so hard in the ministry. She was away from home, from her family and friends, from her usual support systems and she was away from proper hospitals and answers and so she turned to the Bible. She spent three months reading through the Psalms. Eventually of course she got better and she would often tell me how much peace and comfort she derived from the Psalms. She encouraged me to read them when I went through my own dark space. It is this kind of daily living with the Lord that demonstrated to me constantly how important Jesus is and how important His word is, and that is how I have faith and so I am very grateful for that. I'm grateful that they made the sacrifice they made and listened to call of Jesus on their lives and went overseas. It was their willingness to give up the lifestyle here and listen to Jesus' voice that gave me the unique childhood I did have. Their sacrifice opened up a world of delight to me. It gave me the country that I love and experiences I would never have been able to have had we not been overseas. Their obedience gave me the blessing of the land that I love, that I consider my homeland. My father especially gave me a love for books. As far as I can remember there were always books everywhere and there he and mom were always reading and that gave me a great curiosity for books and knowledge. I wanted to learn to read as soon as I could and I did and then read anything and everything I could get my hands on. His love for books inspired me and then gave me my own passion for books, for learning, for words. Words and how to string them together are my passion and so again I'm grateful. They also demonstrated for me what true love is. They have always made their relationship sacred. They love each other like you wouldn't believe and they have never let anyone or anything come between that. They have their fights but they always work it through, they always took time to be together separate from us. They taught all of us how important it was to work things out, to work together to make your relationship good. They teased each other, were gentle with each other and loved each other deeply. They made me yearn for a relationship like theirs, made me see how important it was to have that one person in your life that always had your back, always looked out for you and always got you. They gave me a yearning for relationship, for a marriage that could work it out and could last. There's one evening in particular I remember having dinner, and my Dad started staring wistfully at my Mom and then said 'you are so beautiful' I remember feeling so blessed to be raised in a house where my parents saw each other as the be all and end all, I remember feeling so blessed that they loved each other so deeply. I was blessed and I hope to pass on this blessing to my children. I am really blessed to have the parents I have had, to have their love and support, and guidance.

For Indonesia. . .

I am very blessed and grateful that I got to grow up on a beautiful island called Sulawesi. We went there when I was three and so I got to enjoy a childhood that many do not. I lived in a village called Tondano for the first four years and then Manado. This Island is part of the archipelago islands of Indonesia. I consider myself so lucky that I got to have this experience. Warm weather all the time, beautiful beaches, palm trees, blue mountains in the distance. I've written on this blog before what Indonesia, my second home means to me. It is the place where I feel most at home, where the food and language seem to speak to my soul. I've often heard people call certain places God's country, well to me Indonesia is God's country. You notice it first when you step off the plane and your skin is damp with the humidity, it will catch in your throat and take your breath away. To most it might seem stiffing, to me it's familiar, it's home. Then there is the food, the fruit that makes all other fruit seem boring. It was a simple life, a wonderful life. I am so grateful I had those years there, that I got to grow up in this country. I often dream of the day that I will get to return, take my family so they can see their Mom's home. Yes I dream of going back because it was such a wonderful place. For a more detailed blog about Indonesia see the entry called Homesick from June 2006. It says it all there much better than I am saying tonight. This picture is of one of my favorite moments, reading in English of course to all my friends. I loved reading, I love these kind people who love and laugh and see so much good in the world around them.

For my Earth Child. . .

So along comes a boy. . . finally. The day I found out you were a boy I went out and bought a bunch of balloons that said "it's a boy" and then rang the doorbell and waited for your Dad. I knew he would be so excited that he was getting a boy, that his family would be a mirror image of the one he grew up in. You have were such an easy baby, a great last baby. Even though you took your time coming and then took forever in the delivery room. My last labour was my longest labor which of course was a surprise to everyone. But once you arrived you barely made a peep and that was your personality. Quiet, simple, always smiling. You slept through the night at two weeks. Had us scared because we didn't think two weeks was possible, but for you it was. I didn't think raising a boy could be that much different from a girl, but you proved me wrong. It amazed me that at two years old you would crawl across the floor and in coming across a barbie would react as if it was nuclear waste. You'd get all the barbies out of the vehicle and then take the vehicle. Yes you love cars, anything with wheels. Your third birthday where we got you a truck with a lot of cars in it you were so excited you actually slept with your truck for two months. I had also heard that little boys were momma's boys and I was looking forward to that. For nine months you were a momma's boy. You hated it when I left your side and your favorite thing was dancing. I would dance with you every day and I loved every second. You preferred that to rocking, to your swing, to anything. However after nine months you became a daddy's boy and you only wanted daddy for everything. Sigh. It was frustrating - I wanted my snuggly boy back, but I also loved seeing the relationship you had with your father. Even now when I see you two spending time together, it does my heart good. I loved it in Florida when you two went off together to see the Space Centre. You are grounded, strong, smart, quiet. You don't draw attention to yourself and you pretend not to notice what's going on around you, but you know. You are very very smart, just like your Dad and I am very proud of you. Of all my kids you are the quietest, the shyest, but there is a wild streak in there I am sure just waiting to get out. I'm not sure what you will become, it's still a mystery, you could be a dancer, because at Candice's wedding you showed you had real moves, and I like how my introverted boy could suddenly become so extroverted on the dance floor. Again you surprised me.

For my Wind Child. . .

You came rushing into the world like a wind storm, and that has been the story of your life. You were born in one hour and you have never stopped rushing. You never walked but always ran everywhere you went as if it's what you were born to do. Sometimes you enter the room like a breeze, refreshing, cool, a welcome presence, and sometimes you enter like a hurricane with chaos and destruction in your path. However you choose to make your presence known each day - one thing you definitely have never been is boring. You brought so much joy, laughter and adventure into my life with your arrival. I do not think I have ever laughed as much as I have laughed since your birth. You are always doing the funniest things, and saying the funniest things, and that laugh of yours that is my deepest joy. It cascades like a song in itself. I never had to child proof the house with your sisters, I told them to stay away from something and they obeyed, but you dearest child took my words more as a suggestion, any child proofing became to you a challenge to see if you could dismantle it and get into whatever I did not want you into anyway. Of course there was also time out, which you would happily go to and sing away to yourself and I would think, "this is having no effect whatsoever because she's perfectly happy there." Then when your brother came along you happily involved him in all your escapades. You have the most generous heart I have ever seen. A true gift from God. You often think of others before yourself and I remember on your birthday taking the flyer to the store and you had circled a present for everyone in the family except yourself. You wanted them to have gifts on your birthday. Often we'll send you to school with a dollar for the book fair and you'll spend it on someone else. I worry that you might get taken advantage of, and it's a challenge as a mother because I don't want to quash how generous you are, and how much you want to give to others. It's a rare thing to be so selfless and yet it comes so naturally to you, like it is the air you breathe and you have taught me so much in this. You have always been so full of joy, rarely are you in a bad mood and you bring me joy daily. I long to see what you will become, because you are so interesting and full of surprises that I know I won't see it coming. I love every little thing about you, your gentleness, your mischievousness, your mischief that keeps me on my toes, your joy that is so infectious. When you were little it seemed as if you were plugged into a world I could not see. You talked to things I couldn't see and smiled at fairies. You told me you saw an ocean when you were born, and you told me that God colored your heart with rainbows. I believe when I look at you that He did. I am so very grateful for you as my wind child, my youngest daughter. Grateful for your joy that has added to my own, grateful for your gentle heart, your creativity and your laugh. Grateful for your generosity and how you continually teach me. Grateful for my wind child that suits her name so perfectly since it means freedom and I have never known a freer soul. The picture I chose for you I chose even though it's such an old one, because it encapsulates everything you are, and everything I think of when I think of you. Freedom, wind, joy!!

For my Water Child. . .

I've always seen you as my miracle baby. I really did think that I wasn't going to have any more children, that it was not in my path and then a miracle and you were on your way. Then of course there was the miracle of your birth, born into all kinds of problems. It was dangerous for you, for me, I was warned I might not make it, you might not make it, we both might not make it. I remember the prayers that went up that night to God. Wanting to see you, to have you healthy, wanting another miracle that we would both make it. Then your birth, the miracle in itself. My clearest memory that morning was that you were not quite born yet and yet you turned your head to the sound of my voice. Barely a second after you entered this world you already knew who I was and my heart melted. When they told me that you weren't breathing right and whisked you away I don't think my heart beat again for hours. All the congratulations of my Mom and Dad, the doctors, Susie, none of it mattered because you weren't near me. Your Dad was with you at the NICU and I was with my Dad in my room and he asked if I was ok, that I didn't look happy. I explained that I wasn't happy and couldn't be happy until you were beside me. That my heart couldn't rest till I knew my baby was ok. So we prayed. . . and another miracle. Within two hours you were by my side. Cleared of the NICU. They said you were the fastest graduate they had ever had. Susie told me of how you were stunning the doctors and nurses because you kept trying to lift your head up and roll over, and they had never seen a baby that strong. I had always known you were strong, when you kicked the force of it could double me over. Then you were in my arms, where you slept for the next two weeks. You were always a Momma's girl. You always wanted me no matter what, and after having a daughter that was so fiercely independent, it felt nice to be needed and craved. What has blessed me in having you as my second child, is your empathy, your ability to care and love others so deeply. I love the way you care for Travis every day, and you are so patient with him, even though he isn't your responsibility. It has translated into jobs for you as others see your patience, and commitment. I love the way you think through things so deeply. I love how you want to tell me everything about your day and your life, and I love the way you want my advice and input into your life. I am blessed that you are my daughter, that you have a heart for others, that you love cuddles, that you are always thinking. I am blessed because you are my water child, full of depth, emotion and heart.

For my fire child. . .

It was over seventeen years ago when you came screaming into the world and changed my life forever. Such a dramatic entry, so fitting for such a dramatic child. You were my first child, and a great first child. Smart, strong and fiercely independent from the get go. You always wanted to do things yourself and your way. You were also a perfectionist, and if you couldn't get it on the first try, then you gave up altogether. That is why you never crawled and went straight to cruising. You tried crawling went backwards and that was that. You were never a momma's girl, never needed coddling and never had separation anxiety. You were happy to have new experiences, meet new people and so you were more than anxious to go to school, to have sleep overs and were annoyed when we worried and tried to protect. You've always been a people person like your Dad. Every play park we were ever at your first order of business was to find a friend and then play. You'd go up and introduce yourself and then play. I still remember that restaurant we were at that you befriended a girl and ended up at this little girls table and then in her family pictures. We were trying to get you out since they were having a giant family reunion but they were so delighted with you that they asked that you stay in the pictures. You were the only white person in their family shots of about 30 people. Years from now they are all probably wondering who you are. You've always been a singer. You sang before you could talk and would always sing in your crib for me. You have always had perfect pitch that would stun anyone who heard you so of course it has not surprised me that you are pursuing vocals now, your dramatic spirit and your passion of course that has always been present leads me completely understand why you are pursuing drama. I was blessed deeply by your presence. You entered our life at a time of profound grief and with your arrival brought profound joy. I do not think that your Dad and I could have dealt with your granddad's death had it not been for your presence that so filled us with love and joy. You were the balm in that wound and you are our continued joy now as we watch you blossom into your own woman. I am blessed that I got to hold you first, that I had all these years with you, that you looked up to me and loved me as deeply as you did. I am blessed that I heard your first song, and also got to sing you your first lullaby. I am blessed that you are my daughter, and that God was gracious enough to entrust me with you. I am blessed that you call me Mom. Still full of fire, passion, music. . . still full of independence. I know you will carve out your own path and be your own woman and own your decisions and I am so deeply proud of you my girl on fire.

For Gil. . .

I don't know how many women get to feel loved the way I feel loved. I know I am grateful for how much you love me. I am grateful for how you pursued me even when I wasn't sure. I am grateful for how you have put up with me, cared for me when I was sick, did everything in your power to make my dreams come true. You believe in me in a way I can't even believe in myself and I truly feel like the most beautiful, important woman alive when you are around. You always see the best in me, I don't know how and I don't know why but I am so grateful that God put you in my path and helped me to see the gift that you are. When I look at all the mistakes I have made, all the regrets I have, at least I know that I chose well when I chose you. I don't always make the best decisions but in this instance I did make the best one. You are the best life partner a woman can have. You seek to grow with me, to live an adventure, and you always want me to be happy. I know for sure that I light up your world and nothing makes a girl feel better than knowing that. So tonight I am grateful for you Gil. . . my life partner, my lover, my best friend.

For Salvation. . .

I am looking at lent as a season of gratitude. To be honest I tend to be a person who always sees the glass half empty. That's why Gil helps balance me out since he's the opposite. Yet as I look around me and the world with all it's issues and problems I realize that despite all the things I am struggling with I have so much to be thankful for. As I entered into this lent season I found myself praying and asking God what He wanted me to give up and I couldn't get anything. Then I realized it wasn't about what He wanted me to give up, but how He wanted me to change and to grow. I realized that He was calling me to observe a period of gratefulness, to change my focus. So here goes. What I am foremost thankful for is my Salvation. It sounds trite, like I have to say that, but really where would I be without it, but the blessing goes beyond that. I was blessed with parents who believed and because of their profound belief and willingness to sacrifice all for Him I was introduced to Him. I was introduced to Him at a very young age and as a result He has been there for me through a lot of really horrible things. If I hadn't known Jesus I know I would not have survived what I survived. Had I not known Jesus I wouldn't be thriving now despite everything. I see the wounded around me and have deep compassion for them and where they have ended up and I know that they haven't been introduced to Jesus and so they haven't been able to receive the healing I have. My heart breaks for them and I pray daily that they will be introduced to the one who gets it, who has felt it and who can heal it. I accepted Him into my heart at five. I remember not the words I said, but the questions I asked and my Dad leading me through accepting Him. I know that because of His love for me, because HE sent his son, I have been able to overcome. I know without Him, I would not be married, would not be a mom, but would be an addict and in deep pain. I know I would still be broken. So today I am grateful, grateful that He came to save me, grateful that He gave me parents who brought Him into my life at such a young age, and grateful that He in His great love continues to reach out to me and bring more and more healing into my life.