For Rose. . .

Rose---since you trusted me,


First I got a whole note just for me and now I feel so special. Thank-you for trusting me with your thoughts. I would just comment, but my comment would be way to long so I thought I would post a note back, being nontechnical the only way I could figure it out was to blog it.

I too have trust issues, still after all this time I find the same questions haunt me that haunt you. I too do not understand the female gender and why they are more often deceptive and cold. I too am more unsure of myself around girls than guys, and I too wish that girls would just say what they mean and not what they think you want to hear.

I think of the times that trust has been broken and there have been many many times, by both genders, by family, by the closest of friends to people who should just know better, but the times that seem to sting the most, the times that smart long after the smack has come has been the times that a girl has caused the sting. I don't know if it's because somewhere inside I expect more from girls, or because I know girls(being one) and so it has taken longer for me to jump in and trust in the first place and I end up so mad at myself for trying. I end up thinking, "why did I do this, I know better, it always ends the same, they always turn on you in the end".

I do know this that occasionally you meet a woman who is different, who has been hurt the same way as well and gets it. You move more cautiously and tread lightly and take more time because your heart is so wounded it's hard to put it on the line again, but you do and you find a true kindred spirit, a true friend. I have hope for that for me, and I do pray and hope for that for you too. I do think because these friendships are harder but then they are more worthwhile in the end.

I also know what you mean about putting on the face and pretending your okay even though you are hurting inside. Sometimes people want to see the face that says "I'm okay" and all you want is for people to see beyond the facade and see into your eyes and know you are hurting. I see that you are hurting and for the record if I could beat those people up for you I would, I hate when you are hurting not because you are my niece but because you are you. I see beauty, potential, you are deeper and have more spirit in your baby finger than most people have in their entire being. You are so very smart and have so much to give that I think the people who are breaking your trust are missing out on so much and it seems so stupid to me that they are so shallow that they can't see this. As you get older(I'm that too so again I know) you see the important things in life, and friendships are one of those things. They are hard and you really have to work hard to maintain them, but when you are sick, or your kids are hurting, or your marriage is hurting, friends are the things that keep you going, that keep you moving, and when they get to this time, they will be sorry that they lost a friend like you. I know you and I know that you would be the kind of friend that would go to the wall for someone she loved and it's a shame that others can't see that and see how valuable that is.

I know it's hard to build trust, at almost 40 I am still learning. Recently someone very close to me hurt me deeply and it was excruciating to me to even tell this person I had been hurt. I thought revealing my feelings would mean an end to the friendship but it was the opposite. We grew closer as a result. However the hour or so it took to work through it drained me, I was a mess etc. and I said at the end, this is harder than some of the other stuff I've gone through. It's harder, it's hard to even put yourself on the line, but I think it's worth it to keep trying.

Don't hide away because you are too beautiful and your spirit too beautiful to be hidden.

Full of Grace Lyrics

Full of Grace by Sarah Mclachlan


the winter here's cold, and bitter
it's chilled us to the bone
we haven't seen the sun for weeks
too long too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go

if all of the strength and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I can love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace


so it's better this way, I said
having seen this place before
where everything we say and do
hurts us all the more
its just that we stayed, too long
in the same old sickly skin
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go

if all of the strength
and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
its better this way