Dearest Elizabeth. . .

Well you are finally seven. I can't believe that my little baby girl has gotten so big, where did all the time go. It's been a difficult year for you but you have come through it with flying colors. Change has always been hard for you, and you started last year at a new school, we moved, you started going to Church regularly, and made a new best friend. All changes that were hard but again you made it through and I am so proud of you.

Last year you were nervous about learning French and now it seems to flow out of you as naturally as English. You did let me cut your hair last year but now you are letting it grow long again. You've lost six of your teeth and now four have finally grown in. You look so much older but you still have that dimple that melts my heart.

You also are still my little chatter-box and I love hearing all your stories from school and activities with friends. You've gotten so much taller and have also become such a reader. I love that you love spending alone time with me and wouldn't trade our time away together for anything.

My prayer for you this year is that you would come to know Jesus as your personal saviour and begin to develop a deep personal relationship with Him. I am praying for this everyday and I am so thankful that we have Giles and Wesley who get you guys to Church when your dad and I miss the mark. My goal for myself this year is to be the ones that take you and to be there for all your questions so that if you need help to find Jesus I will be there to help. Having Him in your life makes all of the hard stuff, and all the change that we meet easier to deal with because He becomes our constant.

You see I don't do well with change either and it helps me that I have Jesus because Jesus never changes and so no matter what changes I face there is so much peace inside that He never changes and He can help me through the changes that are assailing me. I hope that you can find Him and find that same peace because life as you have learned this year is full of changes.

I love you Elizabeth and that will never change either.

Mommy

Christopher's Dedication. . .

The dedication was beautiful. Wes delivered it and after being called up with the family(all the girls behaved themselves) he delivered this prayer. It was a beautiful service, and a beautiful day.

"Father thank you for this little boy and the persistent faith of his parents that was established in the context of Christian parents and grandparents. Thank you that Christopher has been brought today because of the desire of his parents that he grow up into manhood from childhood to be a Christian man and father. Thank you also for his sisters who have demonstrated their own desire to seek out Jesus and participate in the community of the church. Thank you for the care and pride they take in their little brother. So today is about Christopher and the desire of his parents and siblings to see him grow up into Christ.

Christopher means "Bearer of Christ". We pray that Christopher will have the grace to bear the symbolism and meaning that goes with his name and grow up to demonstrate Godly character to those around him.

We pray that Christopher be be blessed with a childlike faith in God that will stand strong in any test, becoming more defined and visible as a result.

We pray that Christopher would be blessed with a determined love for others, the hurting, the sick, the poor, the ones who don't know God, that they might come to know God through his demonstrated faith and actions.

We pray that Christopher would be blessed with courage to face any adversity the world might throw at him; the courage to stand in who he is as God's son.

We pray that Christopher would be blessed with humility, that he would be able to be a servant and seek to serve God without thought for his own gain.

We pray that Christopher be blessed to hear and know God's heart and discernment and understanding of his own heart and mind, to walk righteously and with empathy and compassion along side those that are hurting.

Finally, we pray for Christopher that he grow into a man of wisdom who's decisions are founded in God's Word, who knows best how to walk in Christ.

Amen"

Day Twenty-five. . .

So the twenty-first was a success. Giles, Wesley and their wives had a good time at our house and the dinner seemed to have been enjoyed by all. Today has been busy, the kids went to a Halloween party at a local church, there is also a costume contest that Jessica has entered although apparently there were two other girls with exactly the same costume so it does not look hopeful that she will win.

Tomorrow is Christopher's dedication and we are again having company over after. Gil's mom and my parents are expected to come and Wesley gets to do the actual dedication at the front of the Church. Tomorrow I will post the prayer that we will be saying over Christopher. How it works is that we will be praying for certain characteristics to be put into Christopher's life. We usually dedicate the children much earlier than this but we have had a lot on our plates the past few years and so it got delayed. Then as I thought about bringing God back into October and making October special I thought a dedication would be really appropriate and so we decided to do the dedication this month.

Day Twenty-one . . D.Day!!!

Well last night everything that could go wrong went wrong, Christopher was up a couple of times in the night throwing up, Jessica was up three times scared, an alarm went off on a mantle clock that got bumped accidentally, and then the girls missed their bus this morning(not to mention the snow). However I am feeling better than I was yesterday, my perspective is clearer and I do feel encouraged and celebratory. Giles and Wesley and their wives are going to come over, I am going to make my world famous casserole, I baked last night and even though the house isn't perfect it's a lot better than it was.

Today my devotion was on "abiding under the shadow of the wing of the Almighty" and what a beautiful image that conveys. As I pondered this devotion I was struck with the picture of how even though I did not realize or was not consciously aware of it that is where I have been all along. Even when I felt abandoned and alone I was under His wing of protection and love. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow which means that He has been with me every step of the way. The promise is that everyday I can be aware of that presence and that He is still with me and will be with me. So as company comes I will abide under His wing and worship Him and be thankful that there is such a place reserved for me.

I have been in the desert for 20 years and today I claim the promised land. When the Israelites were in the desert and they came into the promised land it was not just laid open for them, the trials were not over, they still had to go and fight for what God had promised them and that is how it is with me. I am coming out of the desert but I still have some battles to fight to claim His full promise for me and my family.

The other analogy I thought of was Lazarus being raised from the dead, he came out of the tomb but still needed to be unbound by his family from his grave clothes. In that aspect I have arisen from my grave but I still need to be unbound from my grave clothes, freed from the last vestiges of the life that has kept me from God and free to live my life again. So I am grateful and looking forward to the celebration tonight.

Day Twenty. . .

Well today was another tough day. However enough about me today is my good friends birthday. As I thought about that today I found myself thanking God for not only bringing him into this world but blessing my life with him. I thank God that God has allowed him a profession which allows him to bless the lives of so many other people too. He is very gifted with empathy and understanding and I know he has helped so many people. Having him in my life has also opened me up to know other people too and hopefully as the years progress we will be better friends. So today I celebrate him and I thank God for him. I thank God for letting me meet him and for the friendship that has developed between us. I thank God that he led him into the profession he is in so that he can bless others. I thank God for his family and the opportunity I have had to get to know all of them.

My prayer for him for this year is that he is blessed in more ways than he can ever imagine and beyond his wildest dreams. I pray that he continues to be used in ways he can't see yet but that his ministry and business allows him to be as busy as he can handle. I pray that his family will be blessed, safe and grow even closer.

So happy birthday dear friend of mine!!!!!

Day Eighteen. . .

I won't lie and say that it has been a great day, but it has been a growing day. I have been suffering the past few days with insomnia but at last this afternoon I managed to get a few hours sleep and that has made a huge difference to how this evening played out. Although the day has been discouraging and I have been unproductive in every way it is days like this when we flock to Jesus in search of comfort and that is a good thing.

My devotions where Luke 24:15 says that "Jesus Himself drew near. . .", it was such a comfort to read these words that despite the agony my heart and mind endured that today I could hold on to the fact that Jesus Himself draws near. In our grief, in our pain He comes and draws near.

Many things begin to go on in my mind as the 21st approaches. I begin to remember that awful day 20 years ago that changed my life so radically and that of my family. Our world was torn apart and nothing has been the same, I wasn't the same and although tragedy and torment have followed I have never allowed myself to grieve and then put it away. Instead I tried to deny it, tried to stuff it deeper inside, put on a happy face, gone on with my life in what way I could to survive and now it is time to bury this and take back my life. I can never be who I was, I can never be that girl again and that is very sad. What happened to me was horrible and very sad, but at least I wasn't alone. Until this year I have always felt like I was but I know now I was never alone, Jesus walked that day with me, and has walked the past 20 years with me too. He has drawn nearer to me even when I tried to push Him away, and He has been faithful and persistent in reclaiming and redeeming me. This year I will let myself cry, grief and even succumb to the sadness in order to let it go. This year I will draw near to Jesus so that I can grieve the way He wants me to and with Him by me so that together we can get past this. All days are His days and I will not let a day or a month be used by any other force again.

These are two of the passages that spoke to me and brought me comfort last night,

"Here is God the Christ the Great I AM, totally identifying, understanding, and hurting with me right where I am in my pain, suffering and victimization. The Incarnate God, my Elder Brother, Companion, Unrelenting Lover, and Fellow Sufferer, who at great cost to Himself desires to become my Savior, Healer, and Restorer of new life. The Great I AM is weeping as I am weeping." David A. Seamands.

He weeps as I weep, He grieves as I grieve.

"He not only bore the penalty and consequences due all who have sinned, but He also experienced the whole range of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual pain borne by those who have been sinned against. He totally identified with all innocent victims as well as all guilty sinners." David A. Seamands.

As much as I have suffered He is one person who gets it, who really truly gets it and therefore gets me.

Day Seventeen

A chill creeps in through this October morning and I pick up the old familiar blanket of discouragement. It's familiar smell and folds easily wrap around me and I settle in the comfort of it shedding the uncomfortable scratchy blanket of the past few days. I am hoping that perhaps as the day goes on the sun will come out and warm my heart again but I must confess that I do not have much hope in this respect.

I was venturing into Sunnydale last night with Giles and Wesley and it did not go as well as I would have hoped. There is progress but at times progress moves like a snail when I would like it to move more like a rabbit. I have never been a patient person especially when it comes to myself and so I get easily frustrated when I cannot move forward in this process as much as I would like. Why can I not just leap ahead like a gazelle or deer? Why must each step be so darn challenging? Why does it seem like some people's lives go merrily along and mine passes before me unlived? My head hurts today but my heart hurts more and there is no relief.

Day Fourteen. . .

Well the official thanks-giving ended yesterday but our dinner is not until next week and so we continue to work around the house to try to perfect our house for our company on the 21st. I am not an easy person to live with when things like this are on the horizon because I get so anxious and then I start to notice all the things that are wrong with the house and begin to drive Gil nuts because I am certain we will not be ready in time. Luckily he is used to me and so it seems to roll off him, but the stress has started and I'm trying not to let it consume me but it is difficult. It's nice to see the house coming together I just wish it would happen at a faster pace.

We had cell tonight which I thoroughly enjoyed and it was a chance for them to pray into October for us as we continue to try to change this time of year for everyone in the family. We took some time chatting about the change in me from even just one year ago. One of the people there said that I "radiated" now, I felt uncomfortable when they were saying nice things about me but I am beginning to see the changes myself. I don't recognize who I was a year ago, I am different but those demons are still howling at my door and I am scared that I will fall back into the old ways, or that I will fail.

Failure is so scary to me and I am afraid of disappointing my friends and family and there are times when I don't feel strong enough to keep up the good fight. Thank goodness Jesus is strong enough to carry me. Because of Jesus I can celebrate day fourteen and know that as the month progresses He will continue to help me and be my strength on the days that I don't think I can make it.

Day Twelve. . .

So of course the first question becomes what happened from day eight on that I have not been posting as faithfully; well it's been a tough go with sickness and discouragement looming from every avenue. However it is day twelve and I am still here and still finding ways to find joy everyday. It however is proving to be a bigger battle than I first imagined it to be.

You can become complacent in life and forget that you are in a battle, but the truth is that we are in a war and I am right now on the front lines. I'm here because3 I took the battle to the enemy this month instead of waiting for him to spring at me from the corners. It's hard but who said war would be easy. I'm glad that I have made this decision because despite how hard it can get and how discouraged I am some days I feel like I am doing something and that life is not just passing me by.

We've made progress around the house as we prepare for the celebration on the 21st. There are pictures on the wall; I've lost 9 lbs, all things to be grateful for and all continual progress towards that date. I know that tough times are still in store and that the big guns are probably going to come out but I'm in the trenches and I'm thankful that there is a trench for me to be in. I'm thankful that I can fight and that my life has purpose just in that. Many people are going through their life blind unaware of the fight around them and things may look good but they are not living in reality and I would rather be in a fight and be struggling and be living in reality than be blindly rolling through life unaware.

Jesus is always gracious, gentle and kind and as my walls of denial fall down and I grieve, I also become more aware of how often He has reached out and pulled me from the brink with a time of renewal; whenever I become afraid He finds a way to pour His mercy into my life; He is always faithful and that brings joy to my heart and makes this October so full of promise rather than despair.

Day Seven. . .

Day seven has been frustrating for me and I can't explain me why other than it just didn't unfold the way I wanted it too. I have been tired and dragging all day and when I almost gave up I finally put some praise music on and the clouds parted and joy poured in. God is good. So today I celebrate music and praise and in light of that I want to share with you a song that was played for me on Monday night that I found so true for this season of joy that I am seeking for this October. This is

Desert Song Hillsongs.

Verse 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

Verse 2:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Verse 3:
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Verse 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

Day Six

Today was a mediocre day there was good and there was bad. The good was that I got to spend my money that my mom sent me for my birthday, the bad Gil and I had another fight. Fighting with Gil taxes me on a level I can't even describe because I love him so much that any disconnect that occurs between us causes me great distress. However I was reflecting as I got ready to write this blog that today being mediocre is in itself a miracle. I've never had mediocre days they have either been really bad or really good. Middle ground and gray areas were non-existent in my life and everything was painfully one way or the other so today I celebrate mediocrity.

Day Five. . .

Well today was a very surprising day, nothing went according to plan. I was planning to go to Church and had our clothes laid out and everything. Had the day laid out too, what was happening after Church; who was doing what and going where and when, and suddenly I am waking up in a very groggy state and it is 1:30 in the afternoon. Not to mention I actually was still unable to string two thoughts together and then slept until 5pm. What happened? Apparently this morning when Gil tried to wake me from my sleep of the day without any success so Linda came and gathered the troop for Church and he then tried to wake me again at 1:30 to explain he was going to get a bed for Frances and Jess was planning on watching everyone and then he was home at 5pm. I don't know what happened my feet are killing me which considering I have been in bed ALL day I don't understand how they could possibly hurt.

So no progress on the celebration front in one sense but I am celebrating getting a good night and days sleep.

Day Four. . .

Today was a busy day but another good day. I woke up early and was blessed with the sight of the sun cascading across the field in the back of our house. Some of the trees and bushes have begun their slow change towards winter and the sky in the early morning was a crisp blue. I spent the first moments of the morning in prayer and praise before God, it started a wonderful day four.

Today I thank God and my parents for sending me to OBC. It was at OBC that I was able to find God again. At first I wanted nothing to do with God but opening up His word and studying His word filled me with such joy that I couldn't stay away from God. I found my spirit continuously seeking God and as a result I also became painfully aware of how far from God I had traveled. OBC showed me that I needed God and I needed healing and started the journey back.

So as I look at 1990 I look at OBC and the blessing that it was for me, I thank my parents for sending me and mostly I thank Jesus for putting me there and seeking me out there in order to bring me home.

What is amusing about today is that an old friend from OBC contacted us and wanted to pop in for a visit. So I said(uncharacteristically) sure drop in I'll make dinner. Well this was stepping far out of my comfort zone but we managed just fine, I made a lovely chicken casserole and we had a lovely visit. Yes I am making progress even in unexpected ways.

So I let go of 1989 and 1990 as the OBC years thanking God for this provision for me during those years and I move forward as the celebration continues.

Day Three. . .

Well the show must go on even if there is a hiccup in the proceedings. By hiccup I mean that today was not a happy day. I have felt sad and depressed, Gil and I have had a fight, things have not been perfect. However I know that this too will pass and that life cannot be perfect and that despite this blip in the proceedings I am still blessed and so we move on. Onward and upward. I choose to move on in the knowledge that God is good and that He loves me, even though like this day I am not perfect. Thank goodness He sent perfection so that I didn't need to be.

Day Two. . .

Well today I celebrated my birthday and it was a fantabulous day. It was a day of pampering and luxury. I had my roots done, a slight trim, facial. the works. It was a day for me to be doted on and cared for and I even had a chauffeur at my beck and call to drive me around everywhere. It was rainy at times, but when the sun managed to poke it's head out it was so beautiful. Where the sky was blue it was a real sky blue and I even liked how crisp the air felt. My day was topped off with dinner at this cute diner in town with Gil and then cake with the kids. They each bought me a pair of earrings and wrapped it in a huge box with duck-tape. Day 2 was a success and I feel even more blessed, blessed and how gracious God continues to be, blessed that He has given me such an awesome family and such great friends.

Day One. . .

Today I celebrate survival. For a long time I have questioned whether I 'should' or 'should not' have survived that October day twenty years ago but I have come to realize that there was no 'should' or 'should not' there just is. I survived! Plain and simple I survived. What is different from before though is that today I am happy and feel blessed that God in his goodness has helped me and granted me the wherewithal and gumption, the physical strength and the opportunity to survive. I am blessed and I am grateful that I survived that horrendous year and that I am where I am today. I am blessed.

Today I also welcomed Manise and forgave Kevin and I now let go of 1988 and I choose to move on from here.