Diffiult. . .

Well life has been hard and so I have avoided blogging, writing, reading actually my whole existence has been about avoidance lately. I cannot seem to write what I really feel, I cannot seem to say what I mean, I cannot seem to get my bearings or find my voice. I feel like I have stepped into the twilight zone and now I am living in an alternate reality. Nothing is as it was, and nothing is me. I am different on so many levels. I have lost much, and right now I cannot seems to see what if anything I have gained. I am discouraged, disillusioned, and despondent. I feel like a Missionary Kid all over again, living in strange surroundings, with strangers trying to figure out who I am and who people want me to be. I feel at odds with my Maker, at odds with my friends, at odds with my family, at odds with my system and plainly I just feel odd. Jessica would say that I am odd and I would have to agree. I do not know who I am when I look in the mirror. I do not like what I see and I wish I could go back and be something else, someone else, somewhere else. Much has happened since I blogged and I will at some point take time to catch everyone up but right now I just needed to vent somewhere. Many are tired of hearing where I am because I never move forward and I never get better and I never seem to advance, but I am where I am and it will not change, not even miracles can reach me.