In Case of Emergency , , .Please Read.

I have decided to write a small note to update how things are going for me emotionally. I have been writing more as you all I am sure have noticed by the millions of comments left on the blog, and I think that it has been doing me good. I have changed and grown over the past three weeks in an incredible way, I am not sure how and I am not sure it will "stick" because it rarely does but I wanted to write tonight in case tomorrow I am back to hiding and wallowing in a sickly despair that is my usual state of being.

Tomorrow night Gil and I are off to Sunnydale to fight the uber-evil Forsythe and so I do not know exactly what shape I will be in. It is true that as a slayer I rebound well, and I heal faster than most, but I have been weakened greatly by the uber-evil and so I may not be strong enough. Giles and Wes will be there to guide and coach me and I do have God on my side but if my mind falters I forget so this blog is a pre-post for myself to read in the next four weeks should I doubt, should I falter and dive into the abyss, should I lose myself in the blackness I am hoping this will help to find me. (if you are all confused don't worry the code is understood by those who need to understand)

So this past three weeks God has brought me out of a despair that I thought had captured my mind and I was 100% positive I could not escape from. I despaired even of my own life and I did not think that I was worth saving, that my children would be better without me, however God remained faithful and I for no earthly reason began to improve. I began to get better daily, feel better do more and become stronger. I can't put my finger on an event, a moment, anything like that it has been gradual, bit by bit, moment by moment, day by day, it has been a difficult and I can't say that enough a DIFFICULT time, but I have become stronger. The fact that there is no one event to correlate it to makes it obvious to me that it has been the work of God in me. I feel His hand on me, gently guiding me back to Him, His mercy, His grace, saying bit by bit, moment by moment, reminding me this isn't a sprint, this is a marathon. Three weeks ago I think I hit the wall in the marathon and almost called it in, but I got up and now I am planning to fight through and get to the end of the race. Below is a song by Relient K that describes my mood, in bold are the lyrics and beside are notes describing why they fit with me, just in case my mind is a blank after tomorrow.


RELIENT K ----CONSEQUENCES

And I’m good, good, good to go

I got to get away
Get away from all of my mistakes I always want to run from my mistakes.

So here I sit looking at the traffic lights
The red extinguishes the hope that the green ignites I am scared that tomorrow the red will win again
I want to run away I want to ditch my life that I will run again
Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night because my mistakes do keep me up at night

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don’t want nothing to hurt me I always think that this is the best way
I had no idea where my head was at then I wonder where my head is at
But if my heart says I’m sorry can we leave it at that and I hope again that because I'm sorry that's
Because I just want for all of this to end enough, cause I just want this to end.

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is I run from God and Gil, Giles and Wes
Consequences it's easier that way
Oh God, don’t make me face up to this I never want to have to call and face it
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Cause I know that I let you down I hate letting all of you down
And I don’t want to deal with that

It just now hit me this is more than just a set back
And when you spelled it out, well, I guess I didn’t get that
And every trace of momentum is gone the momentum waxes and wanes and
And this isn’t turning out the way I want seems to disappear

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don’t want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I’m sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

And I spent all last night So often it seems that I spend all my time
Tearing down destroying what I build
Every stoplight So often I feel like all I am doing
And stop sign in this town is sabatogeing myself and I end up weighed
Now I think there might down, with what seems to be no way out.
Be no way to stop me now
I'll get away despite
The fact I’m so weighed down

All of my escapes have been exhausted Three weeks ago this is where I was
I thought I had a way but then I lost it no way out, exhausted
And my resistance was once much stronger all my strength evaporated, I couldn't go on
And I know I can't go on like this much longer and I knew that it was over.

When I got tired of running from you When I read this part I cried
I stopped right there to catch my breath cause again and again Jesus has used
There your words they caught my ears the story of the prodigal son in direct
You said, “I miss you son. Come home” relevance to me, through Steve,
And my sins, they watched me leave and my own reading, through sermons
And in my heart I so believed and now this song and I can't deny that He
The love you felt for me was mine is speaking once again to me, calling me home.
The love I’d wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed My prayer is tomorrow night my sins will watch
I heard no I told so’s me leave and I will feel the love for me as mine
I said the words I knew you knew that I will hear no I told you so's
Oh God, Oh God I needed you That all my parts will be able to say "God I
God all this time I needed you, I needed you need You, all this time, I need just You."