The View From Here

I think it's sopossed to be good news, at least that's what he trys to convince me of, but from here it looks ominous and scary. It makes me realize that I could be here for a long time, that this is going to be hard and being the cowardly lion I am I run from anything hard. I've had people who know me tell me I'm brave and courageous but that is not what I see. From here I am always scared and always reacting in fear instead of bravely facing that last frontier. How many days do I spend holed up in my own house because the outside world doesn't seem safe to me? How many times does getting out of the bed seem impossible, and how many times do I fail at just that? Sometimes the only success I can claim for a day is that; today I breathed in and I breathed out, and that's all I can even look to because tomorrow I just don't know if I'll be able to do even that.

He was encouraged today, he was literally pumped telling me he had done his homework and he had a strategy and I just sat there feeling scared and alone. It's easy to have all the book knowledge and to have a plan and a strategy but in the end you go home and live your life and I'm still here. This book knowledge to you is actual life for me and although the one explains the other there is absolutely no way to explain how it is to actually live it. It's completely different and he tells me not to go alone, but in the end I am cause noone can truly understand it unless they are living with it too and I don't actually know anyone who is.