Temporary Fillings. . .

Well I am still here and somehow still breathing. To continue reading be aware that viewer discretions is advised, this blog is not meant for those who are faint-hearted, those who only wish to read happy stories, or those who do not wish to take a trip into the disturbed psyche. Some may find this content discouraging, negative, dark, disturbing, and could trigger feelings of unhappiness so proceed only at your own risk.

I was finally was able to make it to the dentist for some much overdue work, and so three fillings and a root canal later I am sitting here wishing it was all over and knowing that there is more still ahead. I have at least four appointments left to go to finish repairing my teeth and although physical pain is never fun somehow I wish that emotionally I was in the same boat. I wish I could say in four therapy appointments I will be done, I wish I could even see the end of this road. I can't, I thought I found the end when I was baptized and was surprised and now I am beginning to believe the end will never come.

I am questioning my faith, I am wondering where God is in all this misery. My core is being tested in ways I didn't think even possible, and I just don't know if any of this is worth it anymore. I am sitting here at 3:30 in the morning staring into a computer' that lately has become my best friend, tears flowing freely because I am alone and there is no need to pretend or put on a fake smile right now, at least not for a few more hours. I am sitting here alone like I have been for the past few nights in the quiet of the early morning wondering what happened to my life, the plans and dreams I had for my life, and how did I ever let myself get here.

I was a girl who planned to write, to live, to travel, to act, to sing and to dance, and I find myself unable even to leave the house for the most mundane tasks. I had a strong faith that I didn't think could be shaken and yet it was and is, and I find myself doubting again and again my own salvation, and even now God's existence and knowing that if He does exist He must be disappointed in me right now.

I can't write my story's anymore, my journal stays empty and even this blog I have avoided until lately. I can't relate to people I used to relate too, my friends have disappeared into the ether and I feel so very alone, confused and disappointed with life.

Since most of you don't know Gil and I lost Green Gables. We had our home foreclosed on and now we are renting a house in a different part of the city. It's a nice house, it's laid out better than Green Gables was, the children like it, everyone has adjusted well, everyone that is but me.

I am a missionary kid who spent most of her life moving around and around and never having a home, then the first home I find, I proceed to lose. I always swore I would never force the lifestyle of moving around on my kids and yet in many ways I am doing just that. It's shelter, it's warmth, it's dry, and for that I should be grateful. There are so many who don't even have that, but it's not a home. It's not my home. I feel uprooted and I find myself wondering if I will ever find a home or a place where I belong.

I know my homeland is not a place I can ever go back too, and visiting seems like it will never be an option either (financially we just can't do it) even though I would love for my kids to see my real homeland, and I had made peace with where we were and no matter how brave I try to be, or what kind of face I try to put on it I cannot make peace with where I am now.

So many people helped with the move and I feel so guilty that I can't just smarten up and be happy. So many invested time, hard work, money and even more hard work, so many are still putting in time, sweat, prayer, and tears into getting me better and I feel so ashamed that it is all amounting to nothing. I feel so ashamed that I am failing and wasting everyone's time.

I feel that just as the dentist put a temporary filling in today, one that will wear away and fall apart within a week, that that is all that has happened with me. I got a temporary filling that masked the giant cavity within. A temporary fix that I thought was more, but the decay was hidden underneath, the infection still ran rampant through my blood-steam, the cavity just grows more infected and harder to repair. Now the filling is breaking away and all that is left is filth, rot and decay. I have become a giant empty hole that can't be repaired only extracted.