Fragility. . .

My father had a heart-attack last week and it has catapulted me into a introspective frame of mine this past week on how fragile we all are. Someone who seems so strong and invincible can suddenly be so ill and close to death. He was lucky that despite ignoring all the signals he didn't do damage to his heart and that despite having to face surgery tomorrow the prognosis is good. My dad has actually handled this crisis well, my mom and sister however are barely pulling through.

My mom confessed to me last night that she did not realize how much she depends on him; we three girls have always seen it but she had managed to hide it from herself until this happened. My sister too is so dependent on him too. With the struggles she has with her own sickness she depends on his strength and help everyday, and sometimes his help is what pulls her through.

I have felt very helpless in all of this. Being far away and unable to help with the day to day stuff they need has left me feeling useless. At least I'm closer than Paige. I know for her it has been even more difficult being half a world away. We have missed her too, she is always so calm, cool and collected during these times that it would be great if she was here to help us navigate through this time.

Yesterday was the anniversary of my friend's nephews suicide and in praying for him and his extended family I was contemplating again how short life can be, how we can all be surprised by how quickly things change. This time of year is the time of year that is the highest for suicide in young people. We always think we know how people are by how they present themselves but knowing from my own experience the stronger we appear on the outside is sometimes when we are the weakest on the inside and we just don't want anyone else to know how hard we are finding life.

The only comfort there is in all of this is that God is the one in control, He is the author and finisher of our lives and He has counted every breath and every tear, when we hide from others He still sees and in the end no matter when it is for each of us He is there. I am leaning on that as my dad goes in tomorrow that God has my dad's heart in His hands, that as I struggle He has my heart in His hand as well and I pray for those who are hurting that they can find Him and find the peace that comes from just knowing no matter what at the end He is there.