Today My Heart Screams I am FREE!!!!1

This is what I will be saying on Sunday for those of you who cannot make it.

Some back-ground first. . ."I grew up in a Christian home we were baptist missionaries stationed overseas on an island in Indonesia called Sulawesi. I accepted Jesus into my life at the age of six and quickly grew in my faith, but upon returning to Canada, along with the typical teen struggles and the adjustment issues one experiences as an MK, I lost my way. I began to believe a lie that I was not saved, not part of the Kingdom of God. However God is a God of grace who seeks out His lost sheep so He did not let me go but continued to reach out to me.

He gave me a patient wonderful husband, counselors and friends who are warriors in prayer, parents, sisters, and in-laws who are loyal, patient, forgiving and who were determined not to give up on that which I had already given up on---me. Then He gave me the gift of four wonderful, healthy, smart children, because of these four gifts I knew I had to try to find Him again so I called out and He answered.

You see, after Frances was born I experienced severe depression and that along with other complicating factors led me to become very agoraphobic, afraid to leave the house. I found it difficult to cope with even the most basic day to day tasks and in a very real way Glenn became tasked with the kids, and the house as well as running his own business. For me leaving the house just to do a grocery run was virtually impossible and just the thought of socializing or going to church would result in a full fledge panic attack. It was because of this that as a family we became clustered inside ourselves, our household became chaotic, and Glenn began to burn out.

Then God intervened through Pastor Steve from Community Bible Church in Aurora. It was three years ago almost to the day when Pastor Steve stepped into my life and put me on the path back to God. He told me that day, that God was closer to me than my very next breath, and that he believed God was calling me home. He reminded me of the story of the prodigal son, and asked me to let him help me take the next step back home to my Father. I was scared, I still didn't believe that God wanted me but I agreed. He put me in touch with David Klauke, who then together with Byron began to help me put the past and the lies of the past to rest so that I could begin to live in Jesus' truth.

Glenn and I began to change and rely on God instead of ourselves and my courage began to grow. I was discovering love and acceptance for the first time. I began to re-discover the Jesus of my youth, began to learn anew how to hear Jesus' voice; to be able to separate the lies from truth. I knew it was now time to begin to trust others.

It wasn't long after reaching that conclusion that Byron introduced me to Peggy and Andy. It had literally been years since I had been around people so this step was a real challenge for me. However Peggy and Andy were so welcoming, loving and accepting of me without any questions that it wasn't too long before I felt at home with them.

The next challenge wasn't far behind, and it presented itself in the form of a group of young girls who wanted to be like Jesus to someone else.; to show His love by ministering to someone in the community by being a cup of refreshing water to someone in need, and David knowing how overwhelming the house had become, suggested they might be able to help us out in some way. I had known for some time that Jesus had been asking me to step out of my comfort zone, to lean on Him and let Him provide for me. It was easier said than done and I was terrified of letting anyone in to see how bad things were for us, I was afraid of judgment and rejection all things I have experienced before but I knew that I had to trust that God knew what He was doing and let Him provide for me. There is much grace needed to give, and now I know much grace needed to receive as well and let the body of Christ minister to you. I knew that Jesus wanted to work in our lives through the gift of others and I needed to trust Him, let go and just breath.

It sounds simple but it was the hardest decision I have ever made. To let people in when all my life I have worked so hard to keep people out. I was concerned I would become over-whelmed if I actually let them in our house so instead we sat outside and sorted all the shoes and coats; organizing this helped us determine what shoes and coats I needed for the kids, what I had lots of and that helped organize our front walk way and our closet. Once that was determined the girls packed up what was left and took it to goodwill.

My kids were ecstatic when the girls came over and provided much needed comic relief while I continued to focus on breathing. I'm not sure how, but somehow this group of girls snuck past me into the kitchen and did some organizing and cleaning in there as well. The spirit of love these girls displayed to my family helped me to begin to see God's love and acceptance, His desire to work in our family and His determination not to just let me go. The passage in Romans where Paul talks about nothing being able to separate us from the love of God and God was showing me the reality of this. He wasn't letting me walk away without a fight.

The next challenge presented itself through Byron who told us a cell group wanted to come and help us outside the house. They said only two were coming to do some maintenance outside but that first night there were alot more than two. I wasn't brave enough to go out and greet them myself, instead I just peeked out windows and tried to keep breathing. I could hear Elizabeth in the front commenting to someone how much she loved the color of her work gloves and when I came downstairs all the blinds had been shut. I asked Glenn if he had done this assuming that He had done this to help me feel more at ease while the people worked outside but he told me it had been Jessica because she didn't want us to see what was happening so we could be surprised. After they left she eagerly took us outside to display all the changes.

I was amazed at how much they were able to complete and I was overwhelmed. It was so strange that people I didn't know, from a church we didn't attend would care so much and go out of their way to help. It started off a summer of Tuesday night fun when "the lawn people" as you all became affectionately known in our house would come and work outside. They painted the garage door, the outside doors the windows, they cleaned up all the overgrown foliage, they also brought a play center the Stewarts donated because their kids had outgrown it and they went the extra mile and built a sandbox underneath. Glenn and I had talked about a play-center but we knew it would never be something we could afford and so it was like a dream come true. Our kids live outside now regaling our neighbors with their laughter, giggles and their altercations. Jessica had been at camp when it first arrived so when she returned home and saw it she too was brought to tears.

I have often this summer found myself weeping at the love and generosity people have shown us. I have been in awe of this church and these two cell groups enabled me to trust again. To see that God wants to bless me, that God loves me and that I am His daughter. He has never deserted or abandoned me even when I thought He had, He has been working to bring me home and set me free.

Theres a couple of lines from a song from the Newsboys I'd like to end with it's called "I am free" The lines are "Through You the darkness flees, through You my heart screams I am free. I am free to run, I am free to dance, I am free to live for You I am free! Through You the kingdom comes, through You the battle's won, through You I'm not afraid through You the price is paid, through You there's victory because of You my heart screams I am free."

Today my heart is screaming I am free.