Lonliness

Loneliness is a hard thing. You can be in a crowded room and feel completely isolated, alone, invisible. I have grown up feeling invisible again and again and for awhile I thought I was free from this. Facebook and the like give you the illusion of being connected and in touch, but it's an illusion just the same. I don't know why I crave friendship and to be connected. I crave to be known and have people care, and have people have my back. I fool myself and say that these connections and community on facebook are real and that the ones in real life don't matter as much, but it's a lie and I am fooling myself. But the ones in real life don't exist. I don't have friends, I have contacts, people who see me and think they know me, but they don't, and they don't really want to. Loneliness is a terrible thing, it eats at you, erodes your heart and what happens to you inside--well it looks and feels like death. I have been lonely for most of my life and I thought I was free from this, but alas it was all an illusion in the end. You start to ponder who would come to your funeral, who would weep for you, because you're pretty sure you are so invisible that no one would see you leave. There are those that would say you are not invisible and they would say that you should not be feeling what you feel, and that they care, but they sit in front of you and don't recognize your cry's for help and they don't hear your anguish and they don't see the tears streaming down your face. They don't see it until it's too late and when they cry at the funeral, are they crying for you, because they miss you and they love you and your absence has left a dent in their hearts, or are they crying because they feel like it's the right thing to do, and maybe they feel some level of guilt that they were so blind. Swimming is a silent death they say, no one sees you struggling in the water and your struggle to stay afloat, the panic to breathe the air in and stay alive takes all your concentration and everything you have to try to survive and in the end you just sink like a stone and sometimes there's not even a ripple of where you went in. Loneliness is the same. You silently struggle to survive, you panic, you do everything you can to stay afloat to tread to gasp and you can't speak because all your energy is going into just surviving and then in the end you sink and there's not even a ripple to mark where you were.