A Hole of My Own Making

Perhaps it's the stress that has been so predominant in my life as of late that has caused such exhaustion that it has left me feeling tired and disallusioned, or perhaps it's just life at least just my life, but I have come to a place of depression and hopelessness that I had been able to avoid for a few months now. I feel that there is no real justification for the life I am in, no real purpose. I exist, I exist to wipe noses, change diapers, give cuddles and kisses but other than that my life has little or no meaning. Choices I have made in the past have left me in a state of continual depression and anxiety and how I wish I could go back and undo the choices I have made, but I can't so I remain stuck.

I want to unstick and sometimes I think I can and then life shows me that I actually can't. I cannot get out of this rut I am in, and I cannot live in it either so what does that mean? If you are stuck in a hole and can't get out, but living inside it isn't an option either what do you do? That is the scary part, and that I do not know. If I didn't have three daughters and another baby on the way the answer would be simple, but I do and so the answer is anything but easy.

Sometimes though when you get slammed down enough getting up again is no longer an option. Sometimes you need to learn to stay down.

My Poor Poor Sick Baby

Well Frances has gotten worse and is now in the hospital. Her breathing Friday morning was so bad that we had to take her right away to the doctor who told us to get her in to emerge. Glenn took her and then updated me -- pneumonia. They had her on an IV and oxygen, and she would have to stay for a few days. When they are really little they can't understand when parents aren't there so we agreed that Glenn would take the day shift, and I would take the night. I never sleep well anyway and this way he can get the sleep he needs to function and I can catch a few winks during the day here. (Thank the good Lord Rose is here or we would be sunk).

Rose is feeling very sick too, so we are all having to push ourselves and cope past things that we feel we can't cope with to get through. My biggest fear is that when the trauma of this time is over we will all collapse into an emotional, physical, and spiritual void of depression that will leave us very ill too. None of us really have the time on this schedule to properly take care of ourselves or the kids, we are just in "survival mode", and that makes everything tense. The laundry is piling up, the dishes are piling up, all the things that have to be done are piling up and none of us have anything left to deal with it.

However our suffering is nothing compared to that beautiful little baby girl at the hospital who is so sick and we can't explain to her why she's there and what's happening. Last night at one point she was crying and crying, and flailing about and we couldn't figure out what was going on. This kept up for about two hours and we knew she was uncomfortable but we didn't know why. Finally the nurse checked her IV line, (which was hidden from view by a contraption used to keep her from yanking it out) and it wasn't going in anymore, the fluid was going into her hand and her hand was five times it's usual size. It was heart-breaking you could see how much pain she was in and as soon as we took it out she relaxed and went to sleep. I almost cried right then and there to see her poor little hand all swollen to the size of her thigh.

Her oxygen levels were very low too, at 83 instead of 100 and so we had to tape the oxygen to her face because she kept ripping it off. then they tried to put another IV in to get fluids in her and they couldn't get it so she kept being poked and prodded. Swabs were taken from her nose and eyes, is it any wonder when the nurses come in she jumps into my arms for fear of her life, and all I can do as a mother is try to comfort her and soothe her and watch. I feel so helpless in all of this and I desperately wish I could take all this away for her. What I wouldn't give to have her back home with me now safe and sound in her bed.

But there is nothing like a severe illness to drive you to your knees in prayer; especially when it's your littlest child.

The Sick House

Well we are living in a sick house here at Green Gables and the only ones who at this point seem unaffected are Gil and Rose. Elizabeth has only gotten worse since New Years Eve, and we now know she definitely has pneumonia. Today she finally was able to eat, and her voice has returned so it looks like she is finally on the mend. Jessica has missed two days of school due to her hacking cough that won't let up, and now Frances has succumbed to the rampant infection running amok within these walls. A warning to all to stay away -- far away if you want to stay healthy. Anyway, Frances only has a light fever and she coughs a little but it isn't as bad as Beth is so hopefully it will not become more serious. Then there is me, I am still suffering from morning sickness off and on, now the mornings definitely are the worst time of the day, and although I'm in my fifteenth week and it should be letting up, it isn't yet. Hopefully soon. So the baby is now due on July 2nd. I have my first ultra-sound in a few weeks when I will get a date for sure, I think though it will be born in the middle of June (if history is a guide). I was able to hear the heart-beat yesterday so it is finally real to me that there is this living breathing little baby inside me getting bigger and stronger daily, and now I am finally excited, even thought the weight gain is making me blue. I'm gaining much more than I did with Frances, more on the Jessica scale which added 65lbs to me so if that happens again I'll really be blue.

2005--Hopefully a Happy New Year

Well the year has come to a close and of course we celebrated our annual way of playing games and watching Times Square. The kids love this because they get to stay up late into the night and we like the quieter atmosphere. Frances didn't last past eight, but the other two did. I was surprised Elizabeth managed considering she is very ill, a raging fever and terrible hacking cough didn't keep her from enjoying the fun, and from providing us with wonderful memories. She is a terribly cute sick person, so cuddely and lovable it makes you sad that you can't just take it all away from her.

I think the funnest game was the Battling Tops which Gil and Jess both handily beat Rose and I. For most of the night Elizabeth just watched lethargically from the couch and she tried to participate in Clue Jr. but only succeeded in telling everyone who stole the chocolate cake. Oh well she did it in the most cute way.

It seems almost sad to be celebrating at all when half a world away there is such pain and misery. The terrible quake and tsunami that has taken such a horrendous toll and wreaked havoc on one of the most beautiful places on earth, and changed so many lives forever isn't even a week old and my heart breaks for all the mothers who have lost babies, and babies who have lost mothers. It is a helpless feeling being here in our warm houses, with so much food it often goes to waste, with clothes to spare and so many people literally have nothing tonight but their lives, and so many more no longer have those; I wish there was someway to do more than send donations, but to bring some sort of comfort and peace to a people who had already suffered so much and so tonight I will offer the only thing I can: my prayers for them and those they love.

Hopefully 2005 will be a year that will be full of happiness and joy for my family. My wishes are for a happy healthy baby, a miracle for my sister who is in so much pain, peace for Rose as she struggles to find her place in this world, prosperity for Gil as he continues to toil away at the buisness, maturity for Jessica as she continues to grow, strength for Elizabeth as she approaches kinder-garten, tolerance for Frances so that no harm will befall the new baby, and a lasting deep healing for me that I can move past those events that have trapped me in the past. Those are my prayers for tonight.

Goodnight all, good-bye 2004 hello 2005.